I've been thinking about ambivalence a lot lately. And I’m still not sure what to think about it.
Because it’s basically inner conflict towards someone or something, but then, what does that mean?
It means you feel positively and negatively about someone or something, you want to react positively and negatively towards something or someone.
Usually, there’s an or between positive and negative. Ambivalence, I suppose, causes misinterpreted balance, by replacing the or with an and.
And it’s misinterpreted due to ambivalence being connotated as torn or uncertain. But, I think ambivalence is a good thing: it shows more than one approach to something, more than just one point of view offered from one person; an open mind, I suppose.
I think of ambivalence in the context of an ambivert. An ambivert is an introvert and extrovert in one body, one person that is both outgoing and reserved at the same time. To be an ambivert is to be special, unique, even revered. And I think that’s how ambivalent thinking ought to be seen: not as something negative, not torn thinking. Something positive.
Balanced thinking
:;,

She waitresses on poetry as of he's an old lover.  Serving warm hearts on a silver platter like it was never her job to please.  Don't bite the hand that feeds and never show your teeth. Thin lipped smiles counting secrets and forgotten shifts on broken fingertips.  The cafe of delight never had a women like snow white and giving is what we do best. Fine wine,  dine with us. Taste test the waters and see if you don't drown.  Bobbing for apples as if we grow on trees,  I waitress on poetry but it's about time poetry starts waiting on me

Ever have that I want to be alone, but I’m lonely feeling?
You know like, on a Friday night everyone is out in good company
While you’re home on the couch because that’s where you want to be
And as you stare at your no missed calls or messages on your cell phone
A flash of loneliness comes rushing throughout your body

But then again
You’re home on the couch because that’s where you wanted to be
Right?

Ambivert by nature, surround me with people so that I can run around the whole room
Conversing with every clique and crew
Then when I’m drained take them away

This is the way I’ve always been
I don’t know why, It’s something I cant really explain

I cling onto my personal space, stay away from it I don’t want you in my way
But come back and be with me I need affection and some attention
I don’t really have any friends

An emotional roller coaster that’s never ending!
You cant be outgoing and be a loner at the same time
Choose A side and stop leaving people in confusion
Its like you’re bipolar, I cant take it and so I’m leaving.

I’m older, and now it’s affecting my love life relations
Brokenhearted
When will I ever become synced with my feelings?
A complicated mass mess walking amongst the crowds with her head down
One day I’ll conquer this mental confliction

Until then to stay hidden…
I keep talking
And to be heard
I remain in the dark corners, silent

[?????????????]

I’m not sure if you’re introverted or broken
If the purple in your heart is sincerity or it’s swollen
Could it be tears along with blood clashing against the narrow pathways of your veins
If that’s so then you’ve mastered pain withheld in vain
Escape vs design
Sacrifice turned into a shrine

Do you refuse to share because you conserve strength or fear burdening
Your indifference is frustrating
Are your moments of solitude spent contemplating or are you hurting

You looked in the mirror and swore an oath of silence to silence
You made a covenant to never speak about the pain you never wanted to speak about

Emojis and LOLs I’m thinking I passed the test
I’m here thinking you’re impressed
When each giggle represents another slash to your tongue
You’d shrug a smile and oppress thoughts of living in the moment
By picturing the past and how it presents itself
Like a portrait of regret placing you in regression whenever growth or transformative change is brought up in question?

Are you happy?
A phrase in the lane of impossibility
That you’re forced to reluctantly agree to
I’d have a better response asking if the colors saturate better in your dreams
When was the last time you licked the joints behind your knees
And if God forgot your name again when the queue for blessings and good hopes was read out

I hope I could suggest better comfort than “I’m here for you when you need me”
Because that’s the equivalent of drying the ocean of its tears with a bath towel

But I want you to know that I’ll do it regardless
That no soul should exist solely
That deserving is an understatement
Even when my attempts are nothing far from inevitable futilities
Regardless
I know know repeated actions for different expectations are *******
But even Einstein couldn’t escape depression
So regardless
I hope the mere thought of my existence is cathartic
You can stop hurting
You just have to believe so

Way out in its own oasis
Its very own brand of homeostasis
Passed the jarred ideas and whacked out mazes
Is a spot

Full of unknown faces
Hailing from unknown places
Look at it, fall out with out protracted traces
Vacant lot

Then let's settle the score
What is your original face before your mom and dad were born?
Why not start over with a clean slate, as the smell of new dawns pervade
I forgot to eat

Maybe if you gave the derelict half a chance
And looked at things from the ambivert's stance
People wouldn't notice your ego's protuberance
Upstaged by an under study

Pull the button, turn the lever, push the switch and flip the ****
Predicate the incendiary infraction
Reductio ad absurdum
Lip service provides scrutiny

We've been normalized, what the recipe for ice?
We're full of emptiness, nothing exists
No-thing, not a thing does not exist
Life is deathless

I'm looking for multifaceted individuals
To fix something that's irreparable  
An eerie parable, something terrible
My future's told by flash cards

I put my head between my knees
Just wipe my memory
Leave me at the bottom of the sea
Leave my dignity to discard

When two separate divisions are over lapping
What's the sound of one hand clapping?
Comparing then and now every now and then
Again, never will I say"never again"

       -Tommy Johnson

Is it okay to run and hide?
Or is that a form of cowardice?
Is it okay to want to escape my own body?
Or is that self-denial?
Is it okay to hate blood?
Or is that unforgiving?
Is it okay to hate crying?
Or is that absurd?
Is it okay to want to pick up that shiny piece of metal?
Or is that cruelty?
Is it okay to want to see yourself bleed?
Or is that preposterous?
Is it okay to want to leave my body behind?
Is it okay to want to leave everything behind?
Is it okay to hate the life you've been given?
Is it okay to hate the fact that your life is no longer bearable?
Or should I just continue to live?
Despite the fact that my heart is breaking
Despite the fact that I'm not the only one doing it
Despite the fact that my own blood -
My own mother is breaking it as well
And despite the fact that I've never been truly happy...
Is it okay to just want to leave?
Or is that suicide?
Is that a crime that God will judge me for?
Or will God be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My Child, you are safe now."
Is it okay to be an ambivert?
Or is that stupidity?
Is it okay to hate your body?
Or is that a lack of self-esteem?
Is it okay to want to hide yourself from the rest of the world?
Or is that selfishness?
Is it okay to want to cry and cry until there are no tears left
While not wanting to shed a single tear more?
Or is that too paradoxical?
Is it okay to want to smash your own skull against a brick wall?
Or is that too aggressive?
Is it okay to want to commit these crimes?
Or will God judge me for that?
Or will He be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My child, you are safe now."

How do I turn it off? How much of me is fake?
How do I know when the light is artificial,
When the energy I exude is the last?
I am always going until I stop full-force.
I am a chaotic ambivert.
I need you and need you and need you and need space,
I need time, I need room to breathe,
But smother me.
I need to be out, I need to be living, I need to experience,
But please don't get angry when I shut up in my room.
I will certainly be silent for some time.
It's all apart of my confused cycle.
I want to be here for you, I want to be with you, I want to talk to you all the time, but please, let me be alone for a while.
I need to be surrounded, I need to isolate, I need you to sit quietly next to me.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know which part of me is the front.
I don't know how much of me is a defense mechanism.
Every time I think I'm past these walls, I run into another.
I want to love you with all my honest being, but I don't really know who I am.
It's hard to strip down to your bare skin when you've spent your whole life in costume.
Is this me or the mask I wear?
Is any of me real?

Because I want to be a poet,
  I constantly look for beautiful things in the world.
  Whether it's a moment or a song or a person or even a moonlit scene.
  
Because I want to be a poet,
   I let my emotions flow freely through my work,
   anger, melancholy, wonderment, peace, true bliss.
  
Because I want to be a poet,
    I want to be truly genuine,
    to show that I am not just the ambivert girl who seems to always be
    smiling.

Because I want to be a poet,
    I encourage writing,
    the pouring of your soul spun into gentle words of compassion.

Because I want to be a poet,
    I only put my favorite writings out here,
    to show I might have some spark of Edgar or Abraham or Shel.

Because I want to be a poet,
    I continue to write,
    even though I sometimes don't even want to try and get up.

Because I want to be a poet,
    I thank you all for your kind words,
     they keep me writing.