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Okay. I may look like everything is all happy-days-all-the-time, but I have had more mental breakdowns than I care to admit, more nightmares than I wish to face, more panic attacks than I let on, more overthinking than I smile. Most days I cannot even think about eating anything. Most days I try to sleep everything away.
Do you know how hard it is trying to keep it all together, looking perfectly fine on the outside, while internally I am breaking down, I am screaming. Sometimes I wish I did scream, just once so that I can let it all out. But would that be enough even then?
I have had more battles than victories. More fights than laughs. You would think speaking about it all would help, but sadly, it has not.
But, I have prayed more than I've cried. I write more than I speak. I breathe more than I blink.
And overall, this I know for a fact: I have lost - maybe more times than I have won - but I have won, I have failed, I have achieved, I have cried, and I have laughed, I prayed, I loved. And most importantly, though I thought I had - i did not fold.
It's a long one I know. But maybe, just maybe someone feels the same way, maybe this is something someone else needed to read, maybe this will help someone understand better. Maybe. I have decided to share this based on a "maybe" and not just to share my story.
Let's get real for a second:
It is so difficult to feel comfortable in your own skin most times.
How often have you been brought down by someone else and then told to "just get over it"?
How often do we compare ourselves to others?
How often do we look avoid looking at our bodies in the mirror?
And how often do we hope that others help us build ourselves up only to be broken down again?
They say healing is a process, but it is those that say this that have not known insecurity.
So my question is: how do you breathe; how do you focus and how many times do you stop yourself from comparing your body to another's?
Telling someone "your body is perfect" does not do justice in that person's mind when they see the other "perfect" bodies around them; on social media, in the gym - wherever.
Take a second to come to terms with this fact: it is a mental state that cannot simply be put aside... it is rooted deep within oneself and sometimes, that insecurity - it doesn't go away. No matter how hard one tries.
help break the stigma of mental health and body image.
I cried and cried
"I can't say it"
"Yes you can. Say: "I'm perfect"
I cried some more and tried to force the words to form in my mind.
"Say it!" He said once more, "Say it because you are perfect. Dont listen to yourself. You're lying to yourself."
Eyes squeezed shut, I forced out the words:
I am perfect.

It takes a lot out of a person to see their self worth after so many years of not believing it due to abuse. Mental, verbal, maybe even physical. It takes a lot to try and not lie through your teeth to someone who loves you, to admit, you are, in fact, perfect.

It takes a lot of a person to stand in front of the mirror and look at oneself. To look at the body your soul resides in and think "I am perfect" after years of being told that you're too this and you're too that.

So I implore you, believe that you are perfect. Cry if you must, but look at yourself, really look, and believe it when someone says that you are, in fact, perfect. That person would not love you otherwise. You are you, and they love you for that.
I cannot stress it enough: mental health can be affected in so many different little ways, and finding someone that loves you and only sees the good in you does help. Overcoming our fears and hurt is so difficult, but it helps lift the load a little each time we are reminded of how appreciated we are - from the right people.
She lived in shades of blue
Under the water, within the waves
Under the blue skies over the meadows

Find her there, in your deepest hour
Lost in her smile, drowning in her eyes
Out of your reach, in all the shades of blue

Circling the galaxies, treading the deepest trenches
Searching for a way
All in her shades of blue

Find yourself within her smile
Echoing through the laughter
Just out your reach in all the shades of blue

Find her there
Under the water, within the waves
Find yourself
Drowning in her eyes

In all the shades of blue
She is but a child
wrapped in gold,
with no way of knowing how to feel
But the stars,
they give her hope,
they guide her home

The stars
They do not fail me
I write poetry across your skin with fingertips
Lightly tracing across your tattoos
But you don't know that
You don't know the poetry I write in the swirls my fingertips create over the skin on your back and over the skin on your chest
You don't know I write poetry when I rest my hand gently over your heart, when my head is rested upon your shoulder.
You don't know those are the poems I cannot put into words
My only hope is that you see through me; see into my soul
O' how dark is the world t'day
So morbidly gray
But o' here comes the sun
Shining down through the clouds
And you are there to soak it up
And wish he were there
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