I wish I could turn back time
To the good old days

Even thinking back
I was never here
I was and will be lost in this world

I was never suposed to be

I wish I could turn back time
To the good old days

To the time "I" was "me"
Before I ever knew myself  
With all the senses of being, of existing

Before the ralms of reality took hold of my soul and twisted it to something unknown

Before I was thrown out of paradise itself
And into a crule unforgiving world of lost souls like my own

I feel it deep within
What I lost, what is missing

Just living life and expirencing true fulfillment of just being a human being

A human soul

I don't have any selfcontrol
The harder I want it
The more I need it

The more I wait for it
The more I seem to need it

I was hoping that you'd see it
Help me get it off
But it's underneath my skin

The more the need rises
The more I lose myself

Remember lying in the sand
Feeling the sun our faces
The force runing through you and I

The memories of that day are faiding
But what stays with me
Is the need I feel for you

Needing you and I

Needing and not resiving

I guess I'll keep on needing you
But you'll leave me needy and raw

I yearn to feel more
than I am capable of

I hate to see what I'm not capable of

I try
but nothing in me is obtainable
i's like nothing is available

but I am just not capable
or that is what, I tell myself at night
undeniable

I see things that I just can't stand
I turn around and walk away
to fast  some might say

when it's neer
I sneer

I guess I am just incapable of love

As I look out the window
I see it

As I walk down the streets
I see it

As I mingle with the people  
I see it

The world is in a state
We think we see it

But I myself do not truly see it
I just think I see it

Though believing to see it
Is that not better than the ignorance most people live in?

We all see it
The difference is
We choose our reality
Ones consciousness, is never the same as that of others

What I see crystal clear before my eyes
Most people blind out and retreat into a world of Obliviousness

So the question remains, will we ever see it?
…See it as one entirely composed consciousness
And most of all as crystal clear
As it should be acknowledged?

change comes in different forms

one

you will yourself to change

two

change is forced upon you

three

change that happens over time

as i write this, i speak about a change that has befallen me
it was forced upon me

first you can't believe what is happening
than you try to change it back
but all is to late and all is left is to...

...accept

as you look at the change
you realize

it didn't creep up on you
it started long before
there was nothing you could do

but till i could accept that
I had to go through all this motions

why
you ask yourself

but
you say

and at the end
it just how it is

change is now the new reality
and where else do you want to live
when not in the reality of it all

I guess dreams come true
when you will it yourself and change

with no change
there are no dreams that will come true

with no dreams
there's no change to will upon

this change I speak about
was not my doing
but now I will change

so that MY dreams come true

I'm waiting
waiting for something
I'm thinking to myself
"this can't be it, this can’t be all"
I need more or just something else

there just has to be more to this...
place.
world .
Universe.
life...

how is it that i feel like this is not yet it
what is missing, outhers try to find it
whatever,
whoever,
something
to happen
to come
to be

it is frustrating
I can't get the feeling of satisfaction

maybe it lasts a day
though at the end I can't shake it all away

the feeling
of incompleteness

and though it's known to many
and all

we all try to shake this loneliness
this emptiness..

…as we all are just waiting for something to happen to acure to complete this Life we live

I guess we are all waiting

waiting for all to end
for the finish line
to feel free
to die

What was, is done,
What will come, will come.
When I'm finished,
I shall be who I truly AM

Circumstances shall change.
People will still be here or they will be gone.
Who knows.

What I  know is, what I let in,
Is my decision to make on my own.
I shall dimand the changes I find fit,
For myself ALONE.

I'm shedding the passive ways of living.
And taking action and forgiving.
I shall NOT take any unwanted weight from the past,
Into the new Life, I chose, I WANT!

I shall not crumble, I will keep having faith
In all I DO in all I AM and BECOME.
I will NOT and cannot wait.
I Am from now on my own Saviour who will never be late.

Because I AM the master of my fate!

I am not abandoned
just left behind
For I know they love me
As I love them

It is still a little
to no peace of mind

I'm not blind

It is Christmas!!
Time to unwind
To share and to be kind

Or should I shy away and hide
Abide to the loneliness in me I find?

What foolish thoughts
I have
Or not

Are beyond my grasping mind
I'd like!
I want!
I should!
I must!
In the end... I just can't

That is what I chant

For my desire is, that chant
Shall grow from a seed into a plant

In my mind
My soul
My whole being
Until I own it
Until it is all me  

Left behind
It leaves you with a lot of things

The worst of all
The feel of loss

The loss of origin
Nothing to it akin

It devours you

From Head to toe
It all consumes you  
Like an Angel cry
while falling through the sky

From the light
To the darkness

but there is something that springs to mind
Like wings spreading to cutch your fall
A shining silver lining comes to sight

You make the call  
And hear the voice

Another feeling starts to bloom
The shadows start to swoon

Light surrounds you once again
The voice you hear is one of love

A love you missed
A love you craved
A love you know, you allways had

But still without it, came the doubt
For you know they love you
As you love them

It is still a little
to no peace of mind

Marry Christmas at last is said.

I once felt so strong
Felt no remorse
Till I saw a force

For me at the time unthinkable
But for many believable

Now I just feel wrong
I mourn the ones who lost themselves
And the ones who are at the receiving end,
of the killers and the thieves

I tried to see
I tried to find
What could that have been?

I searched throughout the world
For what
I do not know

I found nothing,
Nothing but death and dirt

I met all kinds of people
Helping and doing good

Giving their all and their food
But it was just water on a hot stone

If nothing would ever be known

Break the likes of me
I beg you to

It is not
And will not be the first time

Break my nose, my legs
From head to toe

everything you can find
I'm inviting you to

It can never be worse than
Breaking me whole
Like u already did with my soul

Do you remember dear?
As you cought my eye, my heart

I should have been smart!

Crushed and broken bad
I lay here

Wounds unkonwn to me
For I have never known someone as cruel as you can be.

Alone at last
Alone at last

What was the point?
What did I gain?

The people I met
The words I said
The things I did
The thoghts I shared
The time I spent

What was the point?
I do not know, for I am surley lost

I must find me, myself and I again.

An object can't hear
An object can't see
An object can't breathe
Like you
Or me

What's an object's motives
or deapth of reason to be?

What thoughtfulness, does an Object Have thoughts?
...who am I...
...why am I here...
...how and who should I outta be...
...can I be happy...
...am I sad...

We craft an object
We use an object
We define it's reason and meaning
Why it is and What it should function for

We specialize it's resourcefulness
And squiz out it's worth...until it's?

Useless?
Doesn't work?

Doesn't have the same woth
it used to have?

It's totally in our control
We define how long it should exist
Or how long it's in our presence

An Object we don't like anymore
Or have no care for we lose,...

Forget, dismental, discard, do things with it, without a shameful thouht

Well an Object has no feelings
It's just there
No emotion no motion no tensions
To care about

It doesn't speak
It is always the same
Does always the same it was made for
No smile no hurt

It's there because of you
You chose so
I't doesn't just apear out of nowhere

You baught it
Someone gave it to you
You saw it and wanted it to be yours

You can share an object
You can keep it for yourself
You can show it proudly or destainfuly

What ever you feel to do with it
You do
It won't mind

Well if I think about all this
I guess we can all agree

What an Object really is.

we are
we are not!

all we are
is what they want

we want
we shall not!

all we want
we can not

So I stay
To my dismey
To be owned, to obey

For now, I shall wait and pray
till the day

I may live my way

if i will it
would i feel less ill about it?

i was told to shut it

as i found my things
i run and hid to write about it

once i came to it
i would go back
realy think about it

since i thought of it
all i felt was ill
no doubt, that was all kinds of ****

after feeling ill
writing was the only thing
to help me get rid of it

find that what
you want to read
write that what
you want to seed
talk that what
you have in mind,
for all we want and need
is to be free

I always wondered
What it would feel like
All around me it was, but never me it caught
I always wondered
What it would be like
Seemed to me something of another kind

I even tried it
Just a few times
Fewer times it didn't feel wright
Almost went through with things I didn't like
Just to find
I had more pride

When I had given up the search
I had realized, not for the first time
But more and more
The love I yearned for
Had long bloomed inside

I had learned to love life  
That the moment I turned
I found the love I thought would last

What at that time
I didn't know
Was how long WE would go

Marveled at the feelings of US  
I would come to find
The meaning of self-worth

More so…

the dangers of love