Manic:
synonyms: mad, insane, deranged, demented, maniacal, lunatic, wild, crazed, demonic, hysterical, raving, unhinged, unbalanced etc;

Depressive:
causing feelings of hopelessness, despondency, and dejection.

Manic
******* pairs of strangers every weekend, because them thinking you're desirable cures the hollowness for a minute or two

Depressive
Letting a man tie you to a bed and rip the skin off your shoulder with his teeth because you deserve to hurt

Manic
Getting higher than you've ever been so you can have an excuse to scream

Depressive
Crying at night and pretending its loneliness that's ******* you up

Manic
Driving a car you stole from your sister, even though you don't have a license or a clue where you're headed

Depressive
Drinking tequila during class so you can prove to yourself that you really are a badass

Manic
Dressing like a ******* and letting random men get you in their cars

Depressive
Punching a wall so hard your knuckle breaks

Manic
Calling yourself hot **** while you sob over the sink and then laugh at the world's beauty

Depressive
****

Manic*
****

So that's what you think of me

How could I have thought for even a minute that I was respectable.

All this time I was thinking I was deserving of love and kindness.

Last thing on my mind was your opinion of me, and it hurt. It ******* hurt.

Look at you, sitting in a seat of power and leering over me calling me shallow.

On further inspection, yeah it was ****** up of me to get fresh with my counselor.

What's a shallow nymphomaniac expected to do otherwise? Riddle me that.

Shouldn't have to go to rehab.

They shouldn't have to spend a month,
surrounded by other ****-ups who are ruining their lives,
to get their **** together before their family disowns them

Girls your age shouldn't be addicts.

They shouldn't have drinking problems,
manic spending,
kleptomania,
or a coke problem

Girls your age
shouldn't have problems.

You're seventeen. Shut up and get a job.

The first one this week is named Carlos,
he's tall and handsome and twice my age
He's got tan skin with all the hair burned off
his arms from sunlight sand and surf
He likes to call me "*******"

The second one this week is named Charlie,
he's married and chubby and masochistic
He's got a sunglass tan and three different cars
He likes to call me "baby"

The third one this week is named Ryan,
I think
He's tall I'm tall we were in his car our heads bumped
several times
He video taped the entire thing from three different angles
He likes to call me "***** *****"

I've gotten into the habit
of sleeping with friends

I'm not guilty of ****,
don't get me wrong

But I do have issues
ask anyone

And honestly
I'm not sure where
or how I get off

There's something about
knowing someone forever

and then knowing them
completely differently
the next day over

I thought maybe
this could be my chance
to get what I've always wanted

though it was probably a mistake
to think he wanted me like this

probably a mistake
to think he wanted me at all

I hadn't spoken to her in two years
I don't think she remembered my name.

I still had her phone number,
though I hadn't ever called

She broke me when she left
Or when I left her

The months went on and turned to years
I still hadn't healed

I was so, so angry
So I looked up her number

Opened up a text

And on August 21st, 2014
I sent:

"Happy birthday,
Selfish *****."

I could tell you how I am
or I could show you

but I can't.

Show you, I mean

My pain is more than skin-deep
I carry around emotional baggage
just under my eyes
and drag it with me,
suitcases full of decaying memories

If you choose not to consider me as part of your life
and leave my memory to rot and linger for months
then ******* for trying to push back into my head
and pretend you care

If you think I'm about to let you into my life
when you haven't so much as asked me
if I even want you there
then ******* for trying to push back into my head
and pretend that you care

I'm just fine, thanks.
I'm great, actually.
Life goes on with or without you.

It's not that I hate you
or want you to leave me alone,
no,
it's so much more than that

I need you by my side
I need you to check up on me
I need you to show me that you care

and as soon as you do that,
I'll spit right in your face
Cut you down to size so you
never make the mistake of trusting me again

When you're gone,
I'm so alone

So I sit alone in my room at night,
watch lightning tear apart the sky
and I take paper cutters
and razor blades
to the tips of my fingers
so all my scars
all my pain
and all of me
remains invisible