when day breaks and brazen stands the sun
as if to say, it is day, the storm has passed
once more
you lay in a pool of soft sand, a whisper of what once was
fists clenching and unclenching
silence so deafening you ache
it feels so unpleasant, this ease
comfort was not meant for you, where do you even place yourself in a scene meant for someone else?
you make suffering your home
the cold tiles a cornerstone
but the suffering has ended in spite of you
of all your pleas to stay in a race for survival
trotting on battered rubble-bound roads
and despite it all
you are safe and free
the sun lapses in providing warmth
but never stills
and neither have you
before now

and yet
happiness does not creep in, nor does it knock
nor barges or in wanders
you are left empty in a filled space
almost to the point of combustion
and this is how you shall stay
shivering, the rays hurling themselves at any surface besides you
fruitless, the suffering meant so very little besides all that you knew
empty, just as the space next to you

I often wonder what would the world look like without me
the ego of man, brazen and bold
what keeps you awake, when others lay
unconsciously
physically opaque
tragically present
ringing echoes of words layed with ink
never having seen the light of the splendid sun
we plot and plot and plot
for naught
we are but a child, collectively
a singular child
one hell-bent on destruction
not seeing beyond the splinter of light
allowed through a cracked door
and the world looks on
with equal parts amusement and concern
our significance is insignificant
both tangible and fraught with the tragedy of being
of the lack of being
of managing what cocktail of emotions we are to be ****** into
when loss knocks on the door

where I was rash and coarse
he was confidently unconfident
so sure of what he didn't know
he was all soft spoken words, wit dripping off of every word
I wanted his soul
I wanted to memorize the way his eyes twinkled with delight when he talked about something he loved
I wanted to be the thing he loved
he wanted to save the world
I wanted to be his
but I wanted to be the noncommittal sag and run and he was oblivious and beautiful
the world seemed to work against us while simultaneously not caring enough to keep us apart
edging us on long enough for me to fall face flat on the pavement of realization and while mending my bruised ego I sourly admit
****
I fell in love with an aquarius

and I would look and look, for poems that might begin to etch away at my armor, exposing me to your loving gaze
but so little was found, I take it upon myself
to write you a poem
of yearning in its simplest form
for a love so present in every moment I hesitate to be anything but yours

I sometimes wonder if any words I say in whatever order could ever encapsulate the depths of my emotions.
I wonder if you’re aware of what you have gotten yourself into.
If every moment,every rug pulled from underneath me, all of it was to turn me into someone you could love.
I worry you do not understand what love looks like to me.
Then every worry is squished the moment you speak.
I love you does not do the emotions justice. It does not do you justice.
You are the truest emotion I’ve ever felt.
You anchor my fleeting thoughts and wandering mind. Light me ablaze and calm the storm.
My soul recognizes your own.
There simply isn't anyone else that will do, it always was and always will be you.

neither here nor there
over seas of despair
woe is me
friend of the sea
lord of mistakes
governor of ache
well versed in pain
oh the nights that have crawled by
you, the moon and the lake of sorrow on my mind
its as if the moon, dropped her marble tears
in my palms
an offering of peace
its true that I, the poets first true love
illuminated the sky longer than mans time
even this earth has no knowledge of the lengths you've gone to
but I do
I've watched you bloom and wither
forgive me for not standing still
when you split in two
for I have worlds to be
and theres more for you

an abundance of truths became clear to me after we met
that the voices in my hands are extensions of myself and not to be silenced
to silence them is to silence my truest self

I am the motions and you the stops
you are to me what life is to mars
there are ladders to climb
and your heart is up there
I'll climb every step
and conquer the void
will that be enough?

cold tears
oh my wretched heart with wretched blood and wretched strings
pumps me full of poisonous grief
leave
they all do
theres no shame in it
i loved you
you know?
remember that
when my tears mingle with blood and my heart pumps no more
please
shut the door

two faces of a coin
two siblings of the heart
passion ignites both
but hurt is left in the wake of one
we forget that our hearts are not coins
the world is not so
it is a blessing and a curse
the things we feel
we do so with such conviction
and human emotion is filled with contradictions
and nothing but a hair separates love and hate
all the evidence you need can be found in a dagger in the back of caesar the great
in the burning of cathedrals, empires and states
but hate is not poison
it does not rot your soul
it is not love
it does not ebb and flow
it retires to the hidden chambers in between your ribs
you slam the door and throw the key

my heart asks about you, what am i to tell her?

its dark and muddy
I’ve always liked the sun
its dark and muddy
unforgiving weather
Each step however difficult is a tribute to you
you’re always in the corners of each room
not an afterthought, but often mentioned at the end
I fear the end
I envy those who take solace in echoing rooms of stained glass
I envy their lord
while I try to remember you
they try to summon strength
they succeed, I do not

you're going to miss me as the suns rays hit the corners of your bed
you're going to miss me when words aren't enough and silence weighs heavy
you're going to miss me when you're so sick of missing me
you're going to miss me when its the last day and the earth has swallowed the sun
and beyond that
you'll miss me

one day i’ll be gone
my throat in death as hollow as my chest was in life
all thats left of me is the glaring absence of me
i am nothing if not consistent
i am nothing
except dreams of becoming something
i do not know how i will die
i do not care when i will die
i don’t want your tears
and although i fear being forgotten i don’t want to be remembered
all i ask for is forgiveness
if i have done no wrong by you
then i ask the world forgiveness
i ask human kind to find it in her heart to forgive if only out of pity
i ask myself for forgiveness
i’m sorry for opportunities missed
i’m sorry for days lost laying in bed
i’m sorry for canceling plans so often because my chest lights on fire at the idea of crowds
i’m sorry we never reached our full potential
i’m sorry for fleeting thoughts i never wrote down
i’m sorry you didnt get to change the world
then again,
how lovely it would be to be forgotten
for nothing would hurt more than being stabbed after death
when i cannot shield myself
my rotting corpse unknowing the horros the living are committing
a legacy no longer concerns me
i long to be forgotten

I need to make sure I am nothing less than the person you think me to be
for your love is the greatest part of me

you stand at the doorway of my heart
far enough for me to long for you
close enough to make my crying unjustifiable
and you knew what you were doing
everything was just so
you were not mine
but I was yours

graciously
you allow me to stay
I thank the walls, the halls and corridors
for sheltering my most beloved
what thanks do I have to offer
to repay such great a debt
do I kiss the feather?
do I hug tiles that have hugged your figure many, many nights?
it smells of you
but feels nothing like you
why won't you hold me back?
must I take the shape of tiles?
then tiles I will be

i thought you must have lived a thousand lives, an insatiable hunger for knowledge, and a love for the theatrical
by day, by night
i cherish the eyes you’ve gifted me
sheltered from the unforgiving sun
nothings quite like the feeling of belonging to something greater
something with roots
something with branches that seem to stretch farther than you can see, stronger than they need to be
calmly explain everything to me, answer with a smile and hold me
my father is older than time itself and wiser than god pretends to be
voice as soft as silk, arms that always accommodate me
my father lets me win at chess
I am the center of the oak tree it tells me, I am the oak trees greatest fruit
the oak tree shields me, and when I am burned it heals me
and one day abruptly, it leaves me
the leaves were falling for sometime now
heartbroken as I am I have no time for tears
mother earth, creator of my beloved oak tree
softly whispers in the wind promises of a less harsh tomorrow
the oak tree doesn’t stand where it used to anymore but I carry it with me in my heart, in the way I smile, in the way I carry myself
taking it to places its never been
and sometimes I can almost feel its leaves brushing against my face, reassuring me I’m on the path it intended for me

The warmest haze
in wanting you I am set ablaze anew
you wreak havoc on all my delicate parts
the thud of a heart prone to unease
softly mellows as our eyes meet
I lose an ounce of myself
but oh the gain, oh the wells and rivers of bliss
oh the mountains of unadulterated joy
sparking through my chest
its always been, always has been
yours

my life began at 23,

I was used to parting seas
nail and tooth, knuckles bruised
a battle of wills, mine was fraught with distrust
all that I need, my one and only muse
brought my tattered soul to the fountain of youth
emotions I cannot speak of without wells of tears streaming down my face
made the pits I disdain my home
the comfort of familiarity brushing away remnants of passion
and it is often when you become accustomed to pain that life acquaints you with joy
my joy, the force that shakes me and grounds me
all that I am, and ever will be is someone made for loving you
my life began, the day our eyes met
the day words were exchanged
loving glances
softly hidden smiles
knowing chuckles
the day the world ceased to turn, for as long as our kiss lasted
all I was before you was shattered, I am utterly yours
devoted to the loving cause of loving you
my life began at 23, when the universe brought you to me
my life began the day our hands met and our smiles merged
the day we became one
the day the world began
was when I was brought to you

we're out at sea when you leave me
hushed words, the slap of the wave sounding less harsh than you
the ship; my heart
and you?
you are the very end and the middle
all thats vast and true
blue
all the same I'm blue
and I think of ways to burden you as you've burdened me
but I realize
you're wild and free
and that is why
I loved thee

I must be the most loved creature in the world
not by quantity of lovers do I measure
how the heavens have surrendered their earthly pleasures
made of love, for love, to love and be loved
I am defined solely by my quest
to bestow tenderness in the most unlikely of places
where cracks do not meet and gravel ceases to turn
where emptiness is heard and terror burns

I am loved beyond all the hate that festers beneath the shell of my home
beneath the ashes and the unborn
I loved through failed conquests and overturned thrones
beyond all that has been and will be
this single moment of love lives on
immortalizing us as the single purest moment
a meeting of souls
I am loved and will love
till the day I am mourned

tonight
i manifest your eyes

who do you think of? when you're half between the living and the dead? when you can smell the heavens opening their gates? when everything we know suspends? does it ever end? do they ever feel loved? will this ever pay off? are these the wonderings of a mad man? one truth: i love him

years apart and here we are
breaking jigsaw pieces
in time they'll fit, the sun will burn its ridges, then the rain, timidly at first
puts out the flames and all at once
it pours
just as I have done
break apart and put yourself together all you want
this puzzle is missing
no peace

my heart a permanent residence for the thoughts you occupy
its as simple as words said with such deliberation I thought it must be love
and perhaps these are merely illusions
and you are never to be mine
ever the falcon looming over the canyon where I reside
now and then I shall look up to see you soaring  
eyes filled with equal parts sadness
and pride
for it is such luck to have found something so wonderfully painful
and real

O tattered heart that hangs on the thread of my sleeve
he's left us hanging for the last time
tomorrows sun will burn the corners of his room
swiftly make its way to my former lovers face
burn the treachery
if possible  
soothe the ache
and I shall wait
and wait
for the day he wakes
and I am the burning sun
no longer there
no longer the wall he braces himself on
no longer trying to fix
what never was broken

its strange
you see
I carry him everywhere I go
my tears all belong to him
and my joy is only complete with him
his wide eyes, I long for them eternally  
and I wish I could give him my own
then he would love himself fully
as I do

a masquerade of faces
quickened paces
I cannot tell where they end and I begin
they say smell the flowers when they mean pluck them

what words ring in my ear when its half past midnight
between the lands of the torn apart and the torn open
realize the shallow pond I've been drowned in looks a little like where we first exchanged our crooked letters
do you feel an inkling peaking at you through the window pane
did it tell you to run
did it speak to the smallest voice in your chest
will you run?

you belong to no man
to tame is to believe that you are wild
you exist on the edge of normality and thrill
clasping your stars to your chest, so tight you mustn’t hurt yourself
emotions run deeper than I could hope to explore
your feet were always your most prized possession and your dearest friend
putting space between you and the heavy clouds that obscure the light
the sun always comes back around
burning away terrors of the night
warming your tear stained face
the strength you hold inside, kept away for safe keeping
only when the sun comes around do your stars run out to play, hold your hand and run in your field of lovers, pushing away all past obstacles to get you where you need to be
it gets colder before it gets warm
stars need a grey background to shine with all their might

ever after fairytales of failed loves and lost hope
ever after you and I, I became strong

one mistake and falling goes the unabashedly tender, naively claimed the empresses land home, forgetful perhaps of what lengths it must go to earn its keep
With one slip of the tongue, knives were drawn
affection squashed
All traces of tenderness lost in a once softened gaze
(so fully, one swears it must not be the same eyes)
hardens, exposing a once tentatively stitched creature to the world's capacity for cruelty
To loneliness so great, to the knowledge that all one has, truly
When all niceties are stripped
(Or have fallen.. due to an irrational presumption of one’s right to practice autonomy)
Is one’s self
there is great disappointment that lies in arriving at the bottom of the barrel only to see a puddle
Or rather, droplets barely conjoined
mirroring eyes engulfed in terror
darting back and to,
the only soul, hell-bent on your survival
Is your own

I lose words everyday
when the letters manifesting in the stars move my stagnant soul
when birds puff their feathered chest and soar above man made towers
when the universe reveals itself and admires its work
and I am afraid
of one day awaking
with no words

O sweet melodies
bring back the spirit that once belonged to me
is life merely the feeling of electric currents pulsing through a corpse-like host
or is it giving what you do not own?

atop a hill of splendor
with little in the way of hope
equal parts enthralled.. and worn
dismay coats the outside of my armor, callous with plight
Saturn my center
the moon my companion, beyond the dark knight
the haze of exhaustion weighs heavy on the soul
of the warrior of penance, the grief-stricken mourn
beyond the shell that has molded to skin
is a man-made of clay, held up by kin
what rattles in the uninhibited layers of one's caverns
the darkest mellows of the evening halted by unspeakable thought..
perhaps the soul deserves kindness
when the soul finds solace not in yellow sunrises and blue ocean shores
but in catastrophic endings, where podiums are flattened against the earths erupting core
with destruction comes peace, the absence of life a prerequisite to birth
I am man in his purest form
earnest in pursuit, lacking in judgment
no less in youth
and as youth leaves me, so does the empathy it affords me
when my wayward path meets that of those who have strayed
beyond the anticlimactic nature of the roads that lead to Rome
beyond Caesar
empty conquests
hollow plots of land masquerading as homes
no amount of marble will make you a home
and no amount of marching will bring me closer to mine
I have found a home in an unlikely scene
in a planet so wholly unruly in its pursuit of discipline
absolute devotion to he who has revived my fervor, what is devotion next to happiness previously alien to my desolate soul
the 82 moons orbiting you cannot offer what I plan to
I offer my soul, and all that I am
for promise of a home far from this land
for peace previously unknown to me
for joy beyond comprehension of man

never did i expect to love so fully one who thinks so little of me
i dreamt of love so fire filled it scorches those who dare come near
but here i am
scorched
and here you are
unrelenting
it seems that any attempt in trying to conquer my passion only results in greater despair
and your greater indifference
unfair as it seems
you own all of my affection
and are the subject of all of my dreams

meet yourself tonight
rediscover all the ways you are
perhaps extend all that love to your own
soul
theres beauty in opposites
your beauty lies where there is discomfort
face it

there is so much to look forward to, now that you are here
so many fantasies bashfully pushed aside to make way for more noble pursuits
now lay on my bedside, eyeing my half-lided eyes and lopsided grin

a whirlwind marked with ease
a typhoon where sweetness blooms
the softest callous hands
you are a story all on your own
breathtakingly agile in all you touch
any one thing, or creature
loved enough by the heavens to be marked by your looming presence
is tethered to you by an unseen force
I do not know what fortunes I have bestowed on others, what good will or extended palm could have made me worthy of the soul encompassing passion
all the same
I am one of 82
incandescently enamored with you

perhaps these words are a cry for help
but I am whole as I am missing
like a canyon
so vast and grand
but so very empty

I write to bridge the gap between myself and the universe
I write to make you feel the vast ways the world loves you
call it luck, I'd like to think the universe loves me

have I felt the consequences of you
for so long
that it became the only truth I accept
I love you
fact
you are unaware
fact
we are both broken pieces looking for a home
fact
but these facts change very little
in that your heart does not long for mine
my words do not carve holes in your chest
your hands rose splintered not
and I do not know how to exist outside of you

it's widely accepted that one gains visibility in exchange for their earthly flesh
and often I wonder
am I ready for that trade

its truly remarkable,
the faded stains that stare right through me
the tip of your blade lodged between my ribs
daring me to move
and somehow, I do
and in time, I forget
how it felt before your blade
and
no memory lingers
of the moment metal struck flesh
the ache, it lulls me to sleep
and cradles my rung out fleet
my shrine, beloved sanctuary of the ******
and when I am put to eternal sleep
lay that wonder blade beside me
no longer
will I struggle or squirm beneath its weight
we are now equal
it is fate

its warm, the softest haze
and i find myself thinking
this isnt how its supposed to be
i'm to be on an empty dock
at dawn
wet wind slapping me in the face
just as the truth sets in
that all things must come to an end
and it is the most magnificent things
that never stay
and i would watch you sail away
and i wouldn't cry
because i've been told to save my tears
never let good suffering go to waste
dip my feather in velvet tears for when long nights strech and my paper is as empty as my chest

but

here i am
its comfortably warm and the sun embraces all of our flesh
as if i am its most beloved green
and it so unfair
for the world to turn its back on me
how am i to be miserable
with so much peace surrounding me?
i will find my dock
i will find a way to make use of this
my tears mean something

if by chance I succumb to the rotting in my soul
perhaps think of me as a child
the only time I was not running away from myself  
I was enough and whole and days were never long enough
I was a cloud and the sun was my first love
bleeding yellow into my fuzzy outlines
excitement painted my world so often it was the only color I knew
memorized the beat of my own heart
took it upon myself to do right by me
but people came between me and myself
and things have never been the same

son of man
glimmer of hope
in Plato's cave
or my throat
mend metal
tear apart homes
the unexpected visitor of Rome
you arrive when summoned
but often overstay
some might say
you are superior to clay

it is the birthday of a dead man
the day the world began
the end of all that has ever been and all that ever will be
and it is during this time of year that i am reminded of a minuscule speck
a mountain of joy, an avalanche of the heart
of emotions I dare not speak 
of words too intricate to attempt to explore
i swing my heart by a tethered rope
with the hope that when it falls flat against the cold tiles of realization 
it will mend itself with knowledge that all things mend
and i have felt
as minuscule as a speck
and as grand and loved as a mountain 
and i remember my beloved oak tree 
extending its branches far beyond my reach
beyond the horizon 
beyond me
and with eyes twinkling with wonder 
i ask my beloved oak tree
will you please stay with me?
he smiles knowingly
there are words he does not speak
and when i ask
he shelters me
he urges me to ask for whatever answers my heart desires 
and when he speaks 
i am all wonder as i hear words like i've never heard before and letters said with a command beyond that of a general 
and that is how we spend our days
i am all the oak tree wished for
i marvel at everything it has seen 
i am so happy he is my oak tree
and there might be emptiness where it stood
but I will always make room for it next to me

i wish i could have given you fully what you partially bestowed upon me

the moment you wake up from a beautiful dream and try desperately to feel back asleep feels a lot like when you leave me