tonight
i manifest your eyes

my life began at 23,

I was used to parting seas
nail and tooth, knuckles bruised
a battle of wills, mine was fraught with distrust
all that I need, my one and only muse
brought my tattered soul to the fountain of youth
emotions I cannot speak of without wells of tears streaming down my face
made the pits I disdain my home
the comfort of familiarity brushing away remnants of passion
and it is often when you become accustomed to pain that life acquaints you with joy
my joy, the force that shakes me and grounds me
all that I am, and ever will be is someone made for loving you
my life began, the day our eyes met
the day words were exchanged
loving glances
softly hidden smiles
knowing chuckles
the day the world ceased to turn, for as long as our kiss lasted
all I was before you was shattered, I am utterly yours
devoted to the loving cause of loving you
my life began at 23, when the universe brought you to me
my life began the day our hands met and our smiles merged
the day we became one
the day the world began
was when I was brought to you

we dare not speak
for thoughts are forbidden 
in the ashes of what was once our beloved kingdom we stand 
unrecognizable 
we sleep cradling what little is left of our printed word
i hold it faithfully to my chest
i owe all that i am to you
thoughts float, suspended in midair
waiting for those of us with nets to catch them 
softly place them on loving pearly white mattresses 
comfortable? you'll outlive man’s time
beyond the falling of allies
beyond the dying of the sun
beyond us
beyond them
beyond wars, salvation and greed
you clench all that we are
in a single fist
as if the bane of human existence 
exists
in a book

my best friend has many tells
when he loves something he cries
when he's sad he laughs
when he's lonely he forgets to call


sometimes

the tides would pull him under
too focused on survival to see me
on shore
praying for his safe return
I love you
I yell
he sinks

we're out at sea when you leave me
hushed words, the slap of the wave sounding less harsh than you
the ship; my heart
and you?
you are the very end and the middle
all thats vast and true
blue
all the same I'm blue
and I think of ways to burden you as you've burdened me
but I realize
you're wild and free
and that is why
I loved thee

perhaps these words are a cry for help
but I am whole as I am missing
like a canyon
so vast and grand
but so very empty

if by chance I succumb to the rotting in my soul
perhaps think of me as a child
the only time I was not running away from myself  
I was enough and whole and days were never long enough
I was a cloud and the sun was my first love
bleeding yellow into my fuzzy outlines
excitement painted my world so often it was the only color I knew
memorized the beat of my own heart
took it upon myself to do right by me
but people came between me and myself
and things have never been the same

have I felt the consequences of you
for so long
that it became the only truth I accept
I love you
fact
you are unaware
fact
we are both broken pieces looking for a home
fact
but these facts change very little
in that your heart does not long for mine
my words do not carve holes in your chest
your hands rose splintered not
and I do not know how to exist outside of you

it is the birthday of a dead man
the day the world began
the end of all that has ever been and all that ever will be
and it is during this time of year that i am reminded of a minuscule speck
a mountain of joy, an avalanche of the heart
of emotions I dare not speak 
of words too intricate to attempt to explore
i swing my heart by a tethered rope
with the hope that when it falls flat against the cold tiles of realization 
it will mend itself with knowledge that all things mend
and i have felt
as minuscule as a speck
and as grand and loved as a mountain 
and i remember my beloved oak tree 
extending its branches far beyond my reach
beyond the horizon 
beyond me
and with eyes twinkling with wonder 
i ask my beloved oak tree
will you please stay with me?
he smiles knowingly
there are words he does not speak
and when i ask
he shelters me
he urges me to ask for whatever answers my heart desires 
and when he speaks 
i am all wonder as i hear words like i've never heard before and letters said with a command beyond that of a general 
and that is how we spend our days
i am all the oak tree wished for
i marvel at everything it has seen 
i am so happy he is my oak tree
and there might be emptiness where it stood
but I will always make room for it next to me

where I was rash and coarse
he was confidently unconfident
so sure of what he didn't know
he was all soft spoken words, wit dripping off of every word
I wanted his soul
I wanted to memorize the way his eyes twinkled with delight when he talked about something he loved
I wanted to be the thing he loved
he wanted to save the world
I wanted to be his
but I wanted to be the noncommittal sag and run and he was oblivious and beautiful
the world seemed to work against us while simultaneously not caring enough to keep us apart
edging us on long enough for me to fall face flat on the pavement of realization and while mending my bruised ego I sourly admit
****
I fell in love with an aquarius

its truly remarkable,
the faded stains that stare right through me
the tip of your blade lodged between my ribs
daring me to move
and somehow, I do
and in time, I forget
how it felt before your blade
and
no memory lingers
of the moment metal struck flesh
the ache, it lulls me to sleep
and cradles my rung out fleet
my shrine, beloved sanctuary of the ******
and when I am put to eternal sleep
lay that wonder blade beside me
no longer
will I struggle or squirm beneath its weight
we are now equal
it is fate

son of man
glimmer of hope
in Plato's cave
or my throat
mend metal
tear apart homes
the unexpected visitor of Rome
you arrive when summoned
but often overstay
some might say
you are superior to clay

its always seemed daunting
the prospect of forever
a suspension of time
i hoped for so many forevers
but all i was offered was a forever naught
a forever wandering
a forever walking along a path where I was unable to look up
hoping I'd end up home somehow
will the sun end this cold journey?
will the path end with it ending my misery?
will the forever I've yearned for
ever come?
and will my forever last
for forever

Glory to the unknown
Glory to the forgotten chambers of our hearts
To the thoughts not amused
The the urges we suppress
I have been this way
Since the day I was born
I do not jump over obstacles, I run through them
Your reign of terror
Your lines I cross
Across the fields of doubt and loss
Lost time and dwindling dreams
Lost children in forgotten fields
When all we’ve known is to follow
To turn back is an act of revolution


Believe me I see what war has done to me
Believe me I know the terrors all too well
Believe them if you wish, they do carry treasures to prove it
But believe not the glory of war
Glory to you
Although you feel small, I feel you all the time
Every step you’ve ever taken has shaped the ground beneath you
You are glory, you’ve been this way since you were born

it is of common knowledge
that farewells are part of the battle
and we are merely casualties
at the sidelines of the war
we glance at our mothers
waving their tear stained white handkerchiefs
and we try to seem whole
as we are rushed away
in trains crowded with judgment
the screech a relief to absent mind ears
so begins the journey
and ends the plight
the heart grows fonder
once the beloved is no longer in sight
and perhaps once one is lightyears away
we can begin to heal
wounds we've stitched with contempt and dismay
hurt weaved into the foundation of us
we are what we make of this
one can accept the bitterness
or shatter the glass separating them from themselves
and start anew
on green grass and clear blue skies
we promise ourselves and the world who fed us and clothed our backs
that we will make use of this time
this hurt will mean something
rebuild what once was
goodbye

perhaps the only constant of human affairs,
sting,
relief,
the corpse cold limbs.


you adjust yourself


I will not be made to relive the shell shock

a moment, suspended

a reminder

we are all visitors
one mustn't get too comfortable
fate playfully, sternly reminding us
that is just what we are
                                         passers by,
so is everyone we cherish

fleeting phantoms carrying a suitcase
with remnants of the us they knew
we try to ****** it away
convince them they have no right to any part of us.


it is so haunting
the reminder
that the damage is done
overstayed visits come with the hefty cost of learning to accept what we cannot change
and the time has come
to migrate north?
to flee the scene?


if only
those who have bulleted their goodbyes
could learn
to never go back to the scene of the crime.

sometimes I push down the nails in my throat
somehow years down the road, down the streets and halls and misery and falls
I still think its too soon
someway you are all that occupies my thoughts
you occupied the space between my ribs
now hallow and blue
the space you left refuses to be filled
theres an ache that feels an awful lot like loss tastes like rust and smells like the moment rain hits dust

It is so achingly easy to believe that loving you was always meant for me, always meant to hold candles to wet paint,
hear the clock tick in my chest.
I anticipate your arrival before I've known your name,
tuck away all the affection I thought I had lost.
It is maddening
and utterly blissful
I love you
your words have floated in my chest
aimlessly
and when we met
I sung your name recklessly, unknowing of the grave mistake I've committed
you engulf me
body and soul
and I fear all that will be left in your wake is an oath, a plea, never part with me
unaware of my grievance, I roam
and unaware
that you were the beloved I've waited for
that the sky looked different that day, for you
everything crisp.
I was prepared to love you
from that day on
till the day I am mourned.

ever after fairytales of failed loves and lost hope
ever after you and I, I became strong

my heart a permanent residence for the thoughts you occupy
its as simple as words said with such deliberation I thought it must be love
and perhaps these are merely illusions
and you are never to be mine
ever the falcon looming over the canyon where I reside
now and then I shall look up to see you soaring  
eyes filled with equal parts sadness
and pride
for it is such luck to have found something so wonderfully painful
and real

one day i’ll be gone
my throat in death as hollow as my chest was in life
all thats left of me is the glaring absence of me
i am nothing if not consistent
i am nothing
except dreams of becoming something
i do not know how i will die
i do not care when i will die
i don’t want your tears
and although i fear being forgotten i don’t want to be remembered
all i ask for is forgiveness
if i have done no wrong by you
then i ask the world forgiveness
i ask human kind to find it in her heart to forgive if only out of pity
i ask myself for forgiveness
i’m sorry for opportunities missed
i’m sorry for days lost laying in bed
i’m sorry for canceling plans so often because my chest lights on fire at the idea of crowds
i’m sorry we never reached our full potential
i’m sorry for fleeting thoughts i never wrote down
i’m sorry you didnt get to change the world
then again,
how lovely it would be to be forgotten
for nothing would hurt more than being stabbed after death
when i cannot shield myself
my rotting corpse unknowing the horros the living are committing
a legacy no longer concerns me
i long to be forgotten

never did i expect to love so fully one who thinks so little of me
i dreamt of love so fire filled it scorches those who dare come near
but here i am
scorched
and here you are
unrelenting
it seems that any attempt in trying to conquer my passion only results in greater despair
and your greater indifference
unfair as it seems
you own all of my affection
and are the subject of all of my dreams

i was given very little
in the way of struggle i am well versed
i resist the restless urge to assist
knowing assistances means very little when offered by the battered
and does the thought truly count as any
when calculated by those who find utterance a task for the brave
I envy you
envy being all I was offered
when asked what is to be done to a world so cruel as to abandon the hungry
and let the dead and the not yet dead roam
aimlessly
I fear
it is my fate
to turn into those I envy least

its warm, the softest haze
and i find myself thinking
this isnt how its supposed to be
i'm to be on an empty dock
at dawn
wet wind slapping me in the face
just as the truth sets in
that all things must come to an end
and it is the most magnificent things
that never stay
and i would watch you sail away
and i wouldn't cry
because i've been told to save my tears
never let good suffering go to waste
dip my feather in velvet tears for when long nights strech and my paper is as empty as my chest

but

here i am
its comfortably warm and the sun embraces all of our flesh
as if i am its most beloved green
and it so unfair
for the world to turn its back on me
how am i to be miserable
with so much peace surrounding me?
i will find my dock
i will find a way to make use of this
my tears mean something

I write to bridge the gap between myself and the universe
I write to make you feel the vast ways the world loves you
call it luck, I'd like to think the universe loves me

I lose words everyday
when the letters manifesting in the stars move my stagnant soul
when birds puff their feathered chest and soar above man made towers
when the universe reveals itself and admires its work
and I am afraid
of one day awaking
with no words

two faces of a coin
two siblings of the heart
passion ignites both
but hurt is left in the wake of one
we forget that our hearts are not coins
the world is not so
it is a blessing and a curse
the things we feel
we do so with such conviction
and human emotion is filled with contradictions
and nothing but a hair separates love and hate
all the evidence you need can be found in a dagger in the back of caesar the great
in the burning of cathedrals, empires and states
but hate is not poison
it does not rot your soul
it is not love
it does not ebb and flow
it retires to the hidden chambers in between your ribs
you slam the door and throw the key

I must be the most loved creature in the world
not by quantity of lovers do I measure
how the heavens have surrendered their earthly pleasures
made of love, for love, to love and be loved
I am defined solely by my quest
to bestow tenderness in the most unlikely of places
where cracks do not meet and gravel ceases to turn
where emptiness is heard and terror burns

I am loved beyond all the hate that festers beneath the shell of my home
beneath the ashes and the unborn
I loved through failed conquests and overturned thrones
beyond all that has been and will be
this single moment of love lives on
immortalizing us as the single purest moment
a meeting of souls
I am loved and will love
till the day I am mourned

a masquerade of faces
quickened paces
I cannot tell where they end and I begin
they say smell the flowers when they mean pluck them

meet yourself tonight
rediscover all the ways you are
perhaps extend all that love to your own
soul
theres beauty in opposites
your beauty lies where there is discomfort
face it

i thought you must have lived a thousand lives, an insatiable hunger for knowledge, and a love for the theatrical
by day, by night
i cherish the eyes you’ve gifted me
sheltered from the unforgiving sun
nothings quite like the feeling of belonging to something greater
something with roots
something with branches that seem to stretch farther than you can see, stronger than they need to be
calmly explain everything to me, answer with a smile and hold me
my father is older than time itself and wiser than god pretends to be
voice as soft as silk, arms that always accommodate me
my father lets me win at chess
I am the center of the oak tree it tells me, I am the oak trees greatest fruit
the oak tree shields me, and when I am burned it heals me
and one day abruptly, it leaves me
the leaves were falling for sometime now
heartbroken as I am I have no time for tears
mother earth, creator of my beloved oak tree
softly whispers in the wind promises of a less harsh tomorrow
the oak tree doesn’t stand where it used to anymore but I carry it with me in my heart, in the way I smile, in the way I carry myself
taking it to places its never been
and sometimes I can almost feel its leaves brushing against my face, reassuring me I’m on the path it intended for me

O sweet melodies
bring back the spirit that once belonged to me
is life merely the feeling of electric currents pulsing through a corpse-like host
or is it giving what you do not own?

I sometimes wonder if any words I say in whatever order could ever encapsulate the depths of my emotions.
I wonder if you’re aware of what you have gotten yourself into.
If every moment,every rug pulled from underneath me, all of it was to turn me into someone you could love.
I worry you do not understand what love looks like to me.
Then every worry is squished the moment you speak.
I love you does not do the emotions justice. It does not do you justice.
You are the truest emotion I’ve ever felt.
You anchor my fleeting thoughts and wandering mind. Light me ablaze and calm the storm.
My soul recognizes your own.
There simply isn't anyone else that will do, it always was and always will be you.

who do you think of? when you're half between the living and the dead? when you can smell the heavens opening their gates? when everything we know suspends? does it ever end? do they ever feel loved? will this ever pay off? are these the wonderings of a mad man? one truth: i love him

steady and faulty we win the race
I have known few men who won with grace
I see glimpses of myself in every failure
and reflections of regret in every triumph.
I so wish the human experience was less nuanced than it is
if things happened just so
and people remained as they are
waiting for you to flip the page.
what oyster knives lay flat against cold tiles of realization
and why does the world not mourn half artists who favored the race over grace.

As loud as my thoughts were, as strange the thread
Quite the accomplice books were
Rebel
Rebel
Rebel
Over and over the revolution said
Here and there you’d see traces of my brothers and sisters in arms
Related not by blood but by a sense of duty we took upon ourselves for mankind
Man has always been thus
Thrusting oneself towards destruction is but human nature
So easy to justify failure when we get disqualified before the race begins
The sound of the buzzer goes off and I am left stranded at the starting line
I hear cheers in the distance, they are not for me
I try my best to stick to the script
I try my best to obey orders
But when one owns a spirit such as mine
When echoes of possible tomorrows ring like bells
Every ring a ****** to my chest
This is where I belong
With the people I stand
Their strength is mine
Destined not for greatness but to lead the great to victory

all the words that come to mind
all the letters and the notes
they're relics of something I've stored in the glove departments of my mind
they're metaphysical proof of you
a shining moment in a lifetime of gloom
I do not miss you anymore
I ache
it comes at random times
the way you'd say words would plague my day
I'd think of the faces you'd make, deep in thought
I hide my private smile
they do not deserve to see what's meant for you
words fail
every so often
to capture feelings
never mind people
I'm sure there are multitudes of you, that I did not meet
a coin after my heart
and I never have to wonder what love feels like
because of you

the day i was born
i was given a knife
slice open letters if you like
the day i was born
the moon sighed
and the world did not stand still
barely moved
and i was an infant with a knife
i carried all my life
and on days where i am less content with my life
i feel a prickly jab on my sides
remember
you have a knife

you belong to no man
to tame is to believe that you are wild
you exist on the edge of normality and thrill
clasping your stars to your chest, so tight you mustn’t hurt yourself
emotions run deeper than I could hope to explore
your feet were always your most prized possession and your dearest friend
putting space between you and the heavy clouds that obscure the light
the sun always comes back around
burning away terrors of the night
warming your tear stained face
the strength you hold inside, kept away for safe keeping
only when the sun comes around do your stars run out to play, hold your hand and run in your field of lovers, pushing away all past obstacles to get you where you need to be
it gets colder before it gets warm
stars need a grey background to shine with all their might

there is so much to look forward to, now that you are here
so many fantasies bashfully pushed aside to make way for more noble pursuits
now lay on my bedside, eyeing my half-lided eyes and lopsided grin

a whirlwind marked with ease
a typhoon where sweetness blooms
the softest callous hands
you are a story all on your own
breathtakingly agile in all you touch
any one thing, or creature
loved enough by the heavens to be marked by your looming presence
is tethered to you by an unseen force
I do not know what fortunes I have bestowed on others, what good will or extended palm could have made me worthy of the soul encompassing passion
all the same
I am one of 82
incandescently enamored with you

atop a hill of splendor
with little in the way of hope
equal parts enthralled.. and worn
dismay coats the outside of my armor, callous with plight
Saturn my center
the moon my companion, beyond the dark knight
the haze of exhaustion weighs heavy on the soul
of the warrior of penance, the grief-stricken mourn
beyond the shell that has molded to skin
is a man-made of clay, held up by kin
what rattles in the uninhibited layers of one's caverns
the darkest mellows of the evening halted by unspeakable thought..
perhaps the soul deserves kindness
when the soul finds solace not in yellow sunrises and blue ocean shores
but in catastrophic endings, where podiums are flattened against the earths erupting core
with destruction comes peace, the absence of life a prerequisite to birth
I am man in his purest form
earnest in pursuit, lacking in judgment
no less in youth
and as youth leaves me, so does the empathy it affords me
when my wayward path meets that of those who have strayed
beyond the anticlimactic nature of the roads that lead to Rome
beyond Caesar
empty conquests
hollow plots of land masquerading as homes
no amount of marble will make you a home
and no amount of marching will bring me closer to mine
I have found a home in an unlikely scene
in a planet so wholly unruly in its pursuit of discipline
absolute devotion to he who has revived my fervor, what is devotion next to happiness previously alien to my desolate soul
the 82 moons orbiting you cannot offer what I plan to
I offer my soul, and all that I am
for promise of a home far from this land
for peace previously unknown to me
for joy beyond comprehension of man

cold tears
oh my wretched heart with wretched blood and wretched strings
pumps me full of poisonous grief
leave
they all do
theres no shame in it
i loved you
you know?
remember that
when my tears mingle with blood and my heart pumps no more
please
shut the door

souvenirs kept
from conversations
from a passerby
from imagined getaways
every last detail engraved in a booklet tucked at the corner of my heart
and still
I am asked
why do I hold on with the grip of a dying man to the simplest of things
because I know all too well
how it feels
to be left behind

we are abandoned
left with sticks made out of pens
and stones that look like paper
we are whole
and utterly broken
we mend our bones with stones
forget about paper

we learn what it means to be incomplete
what flame does to paper
that bones mend, and pens love the company of paper

we rush to collect our inked paper
these blessings stitched, our children will learn by means of our strife, not theirs

we wake up slightly less broken
even so, we write
and when ink runs dry
we write with tears
then with blood
we break our bones for pens
and tear our clothes for paper

the history we live
the labor of our youth
it will be written by us
not you

the leaves shushed each other on the day we met
and although I was held together by a string which I did not acquire on my own
I vowed to always listen
and so I did
sweet mother envoked a stillness within me
of knowing all shall be well
should I surrender
knowing my rowing does very little to persuade such stubborn winds
I release
truthfully, I do not know if things will end well
or if worlds should collide this time tomorrow
but in both instances I have rid myself of a burden I have shouldered in vain
so in good conscience, I am still
for the first time in a long time
perfectly still

O tattered heart that hangs on the thread of my sleeve
he's left us hanging for the last time
tomorrows sun will burn the corners of his room
swiftly make its way to my former lovers face
burn the treachery
if possible  
soothe the ache
and I shall wait
and wait
for the day he wakes
and I am the burning sun
no longer there
no longer the wall he braces himself on
no longer trying to fix
what never was broken

I often wonder what would the world look like without me
the ego of man, brazen and bold
what keeps you awake, when others lay
unconsciously
physically opaque
tragically present
ringing echoes of words layed with ink
never having seen the light of the splendid sun
we plot and plot and plot
for naught
we are but a child, collectively
a singular child
one hell-bent on destruction
not seeing beyond the splinter of light
allowed through a cracked door
and the world looks on
with equal parts amusement and concern
our significance is insignificant
both tangible and fraught with the tragedy of being
of the lack of being
of managing what cocktail of emotions we are to be ****** into
when loss knocks on the door

its dark and muddy
I’ve always liked the sun
its dark and muddy
unforgiving weather
Each step however difficult is a tribute to you
you’re always in the corners of each room
not an afterthought, but often mentioned at the end
I fear the end
I envy those who take solace in echoing rooms of stained glass
I envy their lord
while I try to remember you
they try to summon strength
they succeed, I do not