sometimes i feel as though i am such a tormented soul
for i gaze and graze upon thousands galore
i feel i am flexible
fluid
wavering
i can transition from hard to soft, in the matter of seconds

like the night sky and it's embers and flames
i feel in tune with all thousands, millions of decays
i look upon the women before my own

gazing nights and mystical convictions
i am formed by millions of these convictions

nothing encompasses my broken heart
broken for it is
divided
as divided as it is fluid--

thousand lies
for
nothing that is fluid
nothing that is understanding
is ever grounded

nothing that is fluid
nothing that is understanding
may ever be able to stay.

I can't look at glossy things
The Sun is the purest star
Triste

Twisted
The Sun is blazing

Dazing and Gazing upon the lack of man
Oh, how I love the lack of man

I am a kaleidoscope, ever-changing
My mood goes from blue to red, blue to red
I flicker constantly among the only constant
Triste

Dazing and Fazing upon the lack of man,
Oh, how I miss the abundance of man

Music pours across the room,
Vibrating off the walls
I have a caged body, I long for something great, to make my life
a poetry book across wild and mild pages

Will this ever be?
When my kaleidoscope changes and flickers with each drop of rain
The black dog running after me,
I am half happiness, half a *****
Triste

Don't let it break your heart/Let it break your heart.

Giving up is the hardest part.

I must come to terms with who I am. I feel myself encompassed, listless
I drown in my own tears, plugged by my ****** and *******
When shall I fall behind and bring myself to the finish line?
Who shall help me? Can anyone really?
Is not life the weight of a thousand eyes and crippling murderous thighs?
I stand alone in this earthly lair,
I rise above the hands of those I thought dear
My goodness, it pains and brings about an ache so indescribable
What plugs me down is within myself and yet everyone
Engulfed. Gluttonous in its discharge
I am in pain
Not “half agony, half hope”
But a mix and a medley of the muddiest of emotions
My grass alongside my womanly pride
I hate my insides and what I contribute to the outside
I exhale all pain, unencumbered by today’s victories.

To the Daughter I may never have

I am sorry.

I wanted to see you and feel glee
I  wanted to kiss your chubby cheeks and walk you along with your grandmummy

I wanted to inspire you and pass on what I have learnt
I had hope to see my own woman rise past what I could not.

I am sorry I don't see your future anymore
I am sorry I cannot consider your hope

For yesterday I witnessed a hostile takeover of the body politick

It was devoured and dissolved by gluttony and greed but what fears me most is not the presence that is so overt

But the silent take over of the female world.

What terrifies me more is this subtle takeover of the female thought

Body is marked and packaged

Square in a stock market, **** your stomach in.
Little girls look at the portrait of the New American Dream
Glossy, plastic, shimmery

And I gaze on into the distance of a broken dream
Shattered is her discourse into her identity
For the idea that her body matters more than the content of her head.

I never noticed when I was sixteen
But
The body tatters and wrinkles in years
It is ideas that are limitless, expanding through the universe past every entity

The way they package the female body, silenced me.

They want to silence this requiem of dreams
Shatter my inner belief in me (and you)

I am afraid for now I see it in you, the daughter I may now never have

For I do not want you born into such a circumstance

Where your hope is *** tapes and swindles

I have never found limitation in my ******, let's make that clear.

But I have never found release in the understanding of the idea my ****** touch could matter more than my everlasting thought.

Oh, my daughter that I will now maybe never have
I’m sorry I could never see you, watch you flourish and become something great
I’m sorry I cannot bring you into a world where your opportunities are in abundance

But I am also not sorry because I learnt quickly, at 21, this world is too toxic, too polluted.

Look at my birth city, as people choke in a misty air that was created by this ****** thought
This is the physical damage and discourse.

But I also observe that
Had you been here, I could see your temptation to gaze away from this today...into the ideas of yesterday: “Why did I eat that?”

I could see you look at your limbs that let you move and dream and dance and walk to places of opportunity and see you fixate on tiny bumps and curves, not seeing them as components that make you great
But calculating the cost it would take to put them away.

They are silencing me and you
This really is serious
I feel toxic and I feel the air
The room closes in

Now I understand why I may never be able to have you

Because as I witness this destruction, xenophobia, bigotry and pain…
I still wonder if I look pretty today

To the Daughter I may never have

I am sorry.

I think of the men I've exhaled
Salty and in charge,
They swirled around in my thoughts
Entrancing me with shadowy shimmers
Cosmic vibrations and mystic visions
Enveloped across my soggy sore soul.

I ate my own soul for lunch today.
I am my own and my own angel
Programmed and primed not delicate enough for words
I wish I could entwine my pragmatic, cutlass wisdom
Into the sticky, soggy, sore soul.

Carol Ann Duffy could write for trillions of years
About me, about her, about every one of the millions to be heard
Exhausting is the useless, their one *****, soft and shallow pierces
It's a story we all may very well know
However it's another thing to drop this muted partner
Dump it into the Indian Ocean, let it go
Continue forward, marching on.

I loved myself more every yesterday
Seems my youth is draining with age

"Wasn't I beautiful, fragrant and young?"

Perhaps, but no one said the Queen was built in a day.

Wisdom should entwine my soul, not listless lovers
"I refuse to give up my obsession"
But you mishear, somehow my obsession is ME

ME ME ME

My sticky, soggy, sore soul.
The girl with unkempt hair and a messy soul.

If someone asked me if I regretted it, and I said I did...that it made things so difficult, hard to explain, contain...
I'd be lying.
Lying through my teeth, through my woes, through my checkered soles.
I miss your clumsy lips on me, lopsided with liquor as we stumbled along
the tattered college sheets.
It's been a month and I'm two steps back,
Trying to understand my life, my life as sudden as a heart attack.
You gave me your kisses, a little less than intended
I gave you my body but not my choices.
I want more, I wanted more but all before I wanted your friendship
We were/are friends unchained
Students with no purpose running astray
Your piercing and voice commanded to me
I called and you did but who would've thought we had the right chemistry?
I never loved someone more than you, in the way of pure intimacy and shoulder glance
It's been a month since our tryst in the sheets, hidden away in your tiny bed room with nothing but a laptop playing streams and a thick bed sheet
Skin on skin
We were mixed together as one, never been with someone my parents would love.
So bad so b a d
I loved your face and your voice
I loved your hands between my thighs
I loved your lips on my ear and neck
I loved feeling within you and in the middle of me
Knowing someone I somehow knew in all casual entirety
In the rain glimmers of dust
We talked and talked
*** was never a must.
That's why this is a surprise
Someone so dear to me could make me feel such a surmise
You're all I want but all a risk
I can't help but want you by my sheets
I fear a new day
A new day feeling still stuck in this way.

Nothing gold can stay,
I'm a rigid mannequin with evolving feathers
Feather petals across my horizon
The earliest movements of heaven upon them

I'll never be able to waste away
But no one ever told me plastic decays.
Primped and primed
Who knows how I could come to be so divine?

I never loved but I have lost
My narcissism is on decline even while it is on the rise
Sunrise sunrise but what a surmise
Heaven comes to above but never flashes a light like a dove

My father is blessed be
I am a curse in a bundle of joy
I walk in contradictions and I puddle all day to cry
A lightning flash of a flutter of an eyelash

A millions a millions galore
I cannot live without a human heart
Despite the fact I sell all these shells I find on the raw shore.

Diamonds upon diamonds galore
My thirst set ablaze
My legs forever open
My heart a tiny cage

A precious girl
Unkempt hair and a messy soul
Walking in contradictions
Ablaze with fragmentation
Each pin ***** flattened and sewn

It may be a fragment but it is for sure
A dagger, the edged sword
I could be poison, I could be a *****
But in my brown eyes I am warm

A teddy bear but frightened
A lady but not by the shore
Tempted by spells
Burdened by lost promises and vindictive twirls

A pinch and a *****
Each day was a new month
Each spite was a new bite
Now I'm just a devil's delight.

I love the idea of a throne
But I sit on my own flesh
Decaying as I dig in
Vanity, eating my own cakes
Fattening my arteries
I truly am, if anything,
I am wholly gluttony.