with him I discovered I had fantasies
with you, darling, I experience them

if you can't forgive
you can at least
dismiss

there is a new atrium in my body
columns of light press into me from beyond
magic energies swirl in the prism
a garden is blooming here

the first guest, luscious rose
bringing hope, love, a full head of opening dewy petals
thorns proudly protecting

as I look
others come

periwinkle carpets the ground
knitting histories
intertwining limbs, loves, futures

aster sparkles
a constellation of playful stars
teasing in her spontaneous joy

calendula peaks around corners
then demands to be seen
leading by courageous example

frenetic color follows zinnia
explosions of unbridled absurdity
   and I fly
in the green mist of imagination

more seeds have been planted
are poking through the fertile soul
I fall endlessly into the boughs of white pine
safe, protected, filling my lungs with ancient wisdom

nesting, I am a small furry creature inside myself
pulsing in the ecstasy of Gaia's stewards
your garden of eden in my heart

I’m hopelessly swept up in you
I try to keep my post
but I can’t find it
everywhere I look is your face
everything I feel is you

it’s ok, they tell me
all you are is as it should be
your post has changed
we never walk d i r e c t l y
with absolute knowledge
into our new selves
our new lives

you’ve just taken a great big blind leap
into a very bright light
you can’t even imagine
who you will be
once your eyes adjust

so take a break from your becoming
and just be what you are right now…

love struck

his hands are a weighted blanket
emanating comfort and love
his hands are a vice
holding my body as my spirit ferociously erupts
his hands are a feather
tickling me to senseless fixation

his hands release me
from fear, pain, the past

endorphins + being in love

I never been so high

I awoke this morning, love drunk
pulled like taffy from a dream where we were submerged
in union
your face is fresh in my mind
my body saturated with divine grace
I am grateful for me, for you, for existence

I wish I could spend the day in this altered state
with you
but the euphoria settles
the blood circulates reality back through my veins

I arise, a separate being
engaging the illusion of time and space once more
yep, I’m off to work

we went to the cryptozoology museum
which was filled with oddities and people staring
at the oddities
and demonizing the oddities
and reading about other people demonizing
the oddities
poor secretive creatures
just trying to live their best hidden lives
it made me sad but

if I'm honest
                   I have
         an oddity
                           of my own
               and
  I stare
        and
                 demonize
   too

he plays all the cards right
I am taut, straining to see his hand
I need an edge

I am a peach, juicy and pink
dripping down his chin

I am succulent lamb
tender flesh falling to pieces between his teeth

I am a strap of leather
taking his pain, with pleasure

I am a tapas
teasing his taste buds
one morsel at a time

my new car is teaching me to be a better driver
it tells me when to speed up
or slow down
it tells me when to stay in line
or get off
it keeps me safe and
always gets me there
whether I take the scenic route
or want to get there as fast as possible

my new car keeps me safe
and always makes me wear my seat belt

I think my car is my new fantasy man

my roots shoot down into the emerald crust of gaia
overhead
I hold the strings of our story in my hands up high  
a dizzying expanse of kites tumbling wildly in the golden chaos
     the lives and possibilities of us, in technicolor geometries

your existence is woven into the web of my soul
let's dance along with carefree love
just a girl and a guy
and their super powers

dear universe,
please bring me a man who is smart, funny, kind, passionate, ****, romantic, wise, independent, and devoted
also thoughtful, creative, talented, open minded, grounded, active , forgiving, empathetic, and fun
must like dogs
thank you.

4/29/24

desire is an intoxicating pain
howling at the winter moon
he paces and stares at me hungrily
leashed and growling low
I approach timidly
as he presses towards me against restraint
and unclip
his collar

how many times do I have to apologize? he asked
well, she said
you could try once

I recently dreamt of my soul mate
     not one of those lovers, brothers, friends
     who follow one through the ages wrapped in karmic bonds
no, I dreamt my soul's true mate
it was a memory
he was a merman, strong and beautiful
I caught only a glimpse of him
before I was swept away into this life
he tried to follow me
we reached for each other
as the dimensions tangled into strange new realities,
our bond became distant and invisible
my awareness slipped gently away...

but I wonder
did he follow?
has he found me?
is this why I'm thinking of him now
as I gaze into your familiar eyes

the stars whispered to me about you
they sent me magnificent geometries to share
with my lips against your skin
our light ripples out across galaxies and timelines
where we loved well
many times before
they tell me this, but I don't remember
I just reach blindly into the shrouded mystery
of my future, expecting to find your hand
and it is there

you inspire me to be drunk
you inspire me to be sober
you inspire me

thank you

I wonder how he is now
that handsome troubled genius kid
who knew about bicameral dolphin brains

the world is full
of fantastically amazing people
just love

my fingers will trace invisible paths
over the landscape of his desire
as I step in his every trap
and hang
suspended by intention
wrists tightened by surrender
inspect your prize
release her bound fantasy
who will be predator
who will be prey
who will tap the drum of ecstasy
in this dance of tantric light

do you not feel your death?
do you not feel your immortal persistence?

you cannot escape the scales of justice
held in your own soul's hand

my Valentine has written me lovely words
thank you Valentine
my heart flutters low
a moth looking for tiny flowers in low grasses
it is forever spring when I see your smile
warmth rises on the horizon
rays of light bring love straight into my soul
the sun is between us
the moon is between us
stardust is between us
I've found another portal to infinity
winking in your sparkling eye

she wanted so badly to forgive him
to love him
but he was the hardest lesson she could not learn
some people are capable of great violence
they cling to fear and pain
because it's all they recognize
so while your heart loves on repeat
you must learn to turn away
leave them to their cycles of darkness
let them off the hook
from the beauty you see inside
accept the ugliness they choose
take one long last look at invisible wings
then turn away
it will be a great mercy
to you both

he sandbagged
mocked
stalked
and lied

he never loved
or cared
or told the truth
or tried

the distance is electric
his sweet brown eyes promising
comfort seduction ecstasy
I can feel his openness like a torrent of ocean wind

the soft lilt of his voice
lounges nakedly across my pillows
his desire is pressed tight to his chest
but I can feel it
the subtle playful turn of moon kissed lips

I hear his mind spinning like a top
possibilities and fears a swirling picture show
but there's no need to fret
my heart is a balanced and nurturing ecosystem

his shyness is innocent
gentlemanly
irresistible
...not long now

he rounded the liar's bend
falling into pointless cruelty
it made him feel special
     hey- how much cruelty did it take to make you feel special?!?
for years he went on
kicking puppies in the dark
spitting on women while they slept
spouting senseless accusations at hapless bystanders

until one day
he found a willing **** to return the abuse
he so knew he deserved
     it was love at first curse wasn't it?!?
off he went with her
henpecked and bruised
still kicking and screaming
into the sweet misery he sought

he was never heard from again
though a mound in his missus garden would suggest
she had the last word

when you tell them incontrovertibly
for the hundredth time
you're never coming back

be prepared

it still hurts when they pull away

but after each time you say it
the next breath
is fuller than the last
your wings
wider than moments before
and the vast distant horizon
more brightly painted than you've ever seen

a bee sting can act like a homeopathic remedy
correcting imbalance
so, too, can a car crash
it can knock the past energetically out of your orbit
free up astral space for new connections

what's that old adage about hardship
maybe good, maybe bad
too soon to tell...

but then the new car comes along
you fall in love
this one has a heated steering wheel and
automatic start
it's the exact color you wanted
the perfect color
not like the old car
you never had a say in that

when driving now
in your smooth new car
that you would never have
if it hadn't been for the crash
you know for sure
definitely good

gentle brown eyes
kind peaceful smile
slender angular strong
deep pitched hello
easy-natured laugh
thick wild hair
stories stories stories
sharing histories
sharing selves
spirit tapping at our doors
love tapping at our doors
friendship tapping at our doors

angels hold their breath
on the verge of
our first kiss

come, fantastic creatures
guide me through earth night
brothers, sisters, teachers,
remind me of soul's light

I see your expansive spans and shades
silver, magenta, midnight, puce
as large as moons in the void
or small as molecules, too tiny to deduce

I listen closely
and let my third eye roar-m
to catch glimpses of your flight
and mythical extra dimensional form

majestic wisdom bearers
join my body expansion
we'll envelope the world
with comical compassion

saluting our common sociopathy
from the balcony of social darwinism
blind to humility or empathy
and obvious reflections of narcissism

change the script? with peace and compassion?
or run predictable tropes of rage and melancholy?
grow into an emotionally mature society and
put in perspective the reruns of human folly?

yes please,
or be relegated to the galactic library
of failed genetic experiments
our modern rendition of comical incompetence

don't try to say too much
clarity breeds disappointment

blame is a drug
a medication against pain
sometimes hiding weakness
sometimes masking hidden strength
the memory must extend back farther
to understand the circumstances of your life
the choices made by your soul
blame is a short term distraction
when contending with the infinite

I like a good tease
the suspense is infiltrating
building an amusement park of expectation
despite all efforts to release expectation
the heart beats a little different
like a freshly tightened drum
a bright timber echoing

I have no hopes or dreams
just a simple enthusiasm
for new love

I woke from a dream this morning
with three penises
and three sets of testicles
sprouting from my groin

I was astonished
wondering about the implications
could they all perform?
could I have *** with three women?
or three men?
which gender did these penises prefer?
and how would that work?

or would I be too embarrassed by this mutation to ever have *** again?
I imagined a hand touching down there and felt
extreme embarrassment
no, this was definitely the end of my *** life
I would never have *** again

then something shifted
in my mind
and I woke
from THAT dream
original factory settings restored (I checked)

relieved (so relieved)

this was one problem the universe had not thrown in my lap (haha)
I can still see those tiny peckers though
like a bouquet of newborn masculinity

what high jinks
are going on
at the bottom of the ocean in my brain?

engine's really running now

feel the subtle movement of divine chaos inside
gentle, unpredictable, healing
open
in the protection of source love
release what no longer serves you
expand and
accept the gifts from spirit
your heart's calling

silent dancer
led by moon light
love paralyzes the tongue
until compassion learns to speak
earth, air, fire, and sea are equally understood
self is equally understood
as projection becomes a healing light
rather than a glass of hidden pain
the owl dances
in the parliament of life in love

a smile that invites love
heart like a love cannon
thoughtful, gentle, wise
also
hilarious

my narrative is definitely shifting
reality is changing
thank you wonderful friends
thank you excellent day

my thighs are milkshake vortices
such a strange and delicious image
a ridiculous ecstasy

a great wheel turns around me,
like a giant slow moving gear
it just appeared, about a meter wide, and dark
horizontal over the earth, circling my hips
it has no light or color
but it wants to
it wants to spin faster and faster
funneling into the ground
igniting a portal in my spine
it wants to become a tornado of light and shoot up into space
maybe it will land somewhere in sirius or vega
who knows
maybe it's a stargate or an astral healing machine
maybe it's a dormant orb
maybe I'm a dormant orb!

or maybe it's an etheric garbage disposal
I do have a lot of junk to clean out down there

it's easy for the weak to romanticize power
overlooking the great burden that is responsibility

I see them now
the beautiful woman chained in a dungeon
the highborn noble without conscience
the brutality, the hopelessness
the merciful death that was long to arrive...

I imagine lifetimes of despair and guilt followed him
compassion and empathy slow to form over millenia
forgiveness elusive
he still can't get it right
I see them clearly now

21 spirits held me down
their hopes, their love
my past in the ground
I held them in light
they gave me clear sight
now with them
I am no longer bound

new ways to be
new ways to see
new thoughts to think
new love to drink

move me, kindred spirit
to be inspired once again
by quick birds and perfect flowers
by glimmers of light sparkling in a sunset
by the regenerating hearts of night crawlers making beds of earthen waves

let us appreciate, together
the simple joy of
breathing simultaneously

he had Batman socks and multicolored bracelets
he said time didn’t exist and people are fragile
he gave out pink flowers and talked about pink flamingos
we shared a sandwich and hugged
we said nice to meet you and shook hands
he was warm and kind and peaceful
his talking topics were like stones skipped across a heavy pond
I was a dragonfly investigating ripples
he was silent for long intervals, head bobbing up and down, as he pondered things I said
he made a metal dinosaur skeleton bracelet do a little dance

I fell in love with him right away

we all have old patterns
we play on repeat
in my spare time I
delete
delete
delete

the earth is a ball of metal fire
guarded by dragons and deceptively peaceful lions
I answer the call madam, maiden, lover, crone
with rivers running through my veins,
flames leaping from my skull
trees growing from my palms
and flowers filling my heart
on the silent wings of night birds guiding me to my station
I answer the call