You’re surrounded by people
But all of a sudden you feel alone
You feel exposed
Feels like you’re nothing but skin and bone

You try to escape
But you’re trapped and you cant leave no more
Try to break the chains
But they’re stuck on you
And you Cant breathe no more

Try to take a deep breath
But it’s short and abrupt and almost dead
You try to complain
But they say that it’s just all in your head

Try to cry out
But my voice breaks halfway through the scream
I try to move
But im paralyzed it’s like im in a dream

I try to break down
But it’s hard and i cant seem to cry
I know you cant relate
But for gods sake you dont even try

I try to be cool
to smile for the cameras around me now
But the flashing light is blinding
Try to capture a smile but idon’t know how

I try to stay strong
But i feel like the load is just too great
I try to man up
But i just cant bear the heavy weight

I try to be happy
But it feels like everything makes no sense
“ lighten up” “ be grateful”
oh come on LAWM, “ stop being so tense “

I try to love myself
I try so hard to smile at the girl in the mirror
But i steam up the place
Let the fog stop it from getting any clearer

I try to be positive
Try to make the sky clear inside my head
But i cant bring myself to
And reality hits me before i go to bed

I try to stay present
The past just chases after me
Cant cut to the chase
It captures me and drowns me in misery

Try not to regret
Any decision ive made so far
That Ive let myself down
No longer do i shoot for the stars

I try to focus
But all i seem to be doing is getting more angry
At myself and the world
I just sit and stare at my books so blankly

I try to be a good friend
But all i seem to do is focus on my sorrow
Try to be there for her
But what she doesnt know is id give her my strength to borrow

Try to give her my world
Id give her my heart my body my soul
But all i can do
Is selfishly act as dry as coal

I try to be a good daughter
But all i do is make them pay some more
Like i own Their bank accounts
Until they empty to the core

I try to love
But love just seems to break my heart
I trust it give it my all
But it Pushes me around, and tears me apart

I try to help others
But i just cant seem to help myself
I bury myself in my pessimism
And stack up all my  problems in a shelf

I try to remember
Who i once was long ago
But the seeds i once had
i have no more water for them to sow

I try to be me
The person i once was one day
The bravery and confidence
But the love i had for myself’s faded away

I try to go back
To fitting in all the things i once wore
Bigger arms hips, stomach and *******
I grab and beat up until im sore

I try to calm down
But the anger it just wont go away
I try to leave this place
Try to get myself out of here everyday

I try to move on
But moving on is easier said than done
I try to forget
But it all burns me like the heat of the sun

I try to stay still
But i shift and fidget and stumble then fall
I try not to tremble
Fearing that i wont stand up at all

I try to get up
But the weight it just holds me down
I want to be the queen of my heart
But Failure never really came with a crown

I try to Hope
I try to find Him when Im lost
But I pushed Him away
And i know that pushing him away comes at a cost

I try to stay alive
But the thought of death bombards my brain
Try to focus on the good
But when i do, i remember the pain

Use the needle and thread to poke holes into my face
To connect the dots, once hollow
Knit that pretty smile on my face
More and more laughs will follow

Dont move my head right and left
Shaking my head no is bad to the crowd
Nod my head yes back and forth
Stitch my lips shut dont wanna be loud

Dont wear this, dont wear that
They'll judge you by your looks
They force you to merge into the perfect image
And strip you of your identity like crooks

You need to be more intelligent
You're a disgrace if you aren't married
If you haven't won medals and trophies
The memory of you is buried

You need a man in your life
You cannot be independent
If you refuse to accept their version of "reality"
You're prone to become emotionally dented

This is what it feels like for us women
We feel like nothing but a liability
So here it is, the horrid truth
About being locked up in the chains of society

of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.

Cant control this feeling
This fear of drifting away
A feeling i cannot help
But endure every single day

Sleep, always restless
Fake smiles, for you to think I'm ok
A shield, a mask, a boulder
To hide the pain away

I cant seem to close my eyes
Despite the heavy weight
Though i weigh them down, they Never shut
Sleep, they've begun to hate

The feeling of pain is horrible
Especially when no one can see
That i have lost a part of myself
I have lost the elated side of me

no longer am i fond of hugs
No longer am i willing to wait
For someone to find and help me
I believe it's much too late

I cant seem to close my eyes
Too many nightmares, chasing me
No dreams with rainbows and smiles
Only fear to an unimaginable degree

No longer do i believe in love or trust
I can no longer keep my feelings at bay
Can no longer act as well as i used to
I am too tired to shove my feelings away

I am no longer able to breathe right
I am no longer able to define life the right way
I am surrounded by people i no longer love
People to whom i dont know what to say

I cant seem to close my eyes
What else is there to say
Im a girl with chronic insomnia
And the fear doesn't seem to be going away

I have lost the ability to love
Because of people who have turned their backs
And because of that, thanks to them
Ive become an insomniac

I wont be able to show
My love to anyone
But people do not respect that
They think i do it just for fun

They think im just hormonal
They believe i am a source of stress
When stress never defined me
That when they say it, i love them less

Maybe i am heartless
Maybe i do burn
So when i fall or stumble
No one ever seems concerned

They say im hard to deal with
They say im a burden too
Like im a heavy weight they carry
That theres nothing they can do

Theyve taken me to doctors
To them, thats so extremely bad
“the others arent like you”
Like im the worst theyve ever had

I live in a puzzle of roses
With the prodigy child, the wise and the sweet
I try to fit myself in the picture
And hopelessly, i drown in defeat

I try to think more about it
Ive read books, been to lectures too
But somehow all that is overlooked
And my anger only grew

They look at me with fear
As if i carry a gun wherever i go
They believe my heart is nothing
But a stone thats as cold as snow

Red velvet, scarlet, ruby
Garnet and cherry red
Colors that overwhelm my brain
Colors i imprint in my head

I never seem to match
A single shade that is close to theirs
I wear a completely different color
With which, they arent willing to bear

In my eyes,
Im as white as an elegant goose
In their eyes, im as dark as ever
To symbolize how “my purity,
Was never mine to lose”

Roses have gorgeous petals
Their appearance always good as new
Although thorns have their good features
They have bad ones too

They bear a weight on their stems
An unwanted feature resting there
although these roses are pretty
That one feature, they hate to wear

The frown i wear on my face these days
Is one i have never worn
Its due to the undebatable fact
That every rose has its thorn

So please call me L.A.W.N
And do not see me as white and pure
For people think im a burden
A disease that has no cure