Pain is the ultimate paradox.
It's like we know something hurts,
so it would best be avoided,
but after the pain wears off,
and when the memory of it begins to fade,
it is like we go back to that pain and question it like
"What about this made it hurt so much?"
Surely, it can not be so bad if I managed to survive.
Then we remember.
but only when we've let ourselves get hurt that way again,
and you would think that's where the cycle ends
but it too will fade,
the pain. and then the memory.
why do we refuse to remember to stay away?

I fear love to be the same.

i read
and re-read
your poems, over and over
i burn through them like cigarettes
rich, mellow, and solitary
risky, euphoric, and momentary
lots of people think they are bad for you,
ya know, that classic nicotine hate
but there are lots of things everyone does to get thru,
like loving someone in a different state...
but i know a chain smoker who is 82,
and have you seen jessica lange?
she's smokin' up in every frame
and she is not afraid
and he is not afraid
so i am not afraid
but i do smoke an awful lot these days....
and this turkish royal that hangs off my lips
has nothing on the gorgeousness of your semantics;
the genuine complexity of your consciousness
the only difference between you & cigarettes,
is that i'll eventually put smoking to rest
but my love for you? will stay the same
i could puff on your words for days,
and it doesn't even hurt

I can, I will, I have written about anything
Everything is up for inspiration for a new story, poem, or song
But I want you to know that when I write about how you walked away
I didn't write with a voice of pain
You walked away and it was simple
Yes, I thought about how my life would be different without you
Yes, I realize it would have been a lot different
Yes, I realize you changed me
No, I don't think I'll ever forget you
No, I don't think I'll ever run out of ways to write our chapter
But that's what you have to realize:
You were only a chapter in my volume of a life
The sad thing is I don't think you ever read the chapters already written,
and yet I listened to every one you were willing to tell me
Maybe that's my fault though
I don't really tell people things about me
If you were trying to get me to miss you
Then you need to try a LOT harder
Because I don't think I've cried over you once
I don't plan on it either
Because as I said before, you leaving me was simple
It was the cut that you don't feel
The one that heals without you knowing it was there in the first place

I chased her my lovely dream
Infernal queen of the unseen
Abstract empty black
Crimson and withering
Winter blooming
Years on end

Till I forgot my dear friend
And she found other lovers
A little blond boy,
A couple lost pets
An old man
An old woman
An old friend

She came circling again
Leaving me behind
To make time
While she robbed me blind

Rose petals and ashes
All in the past is
Under the ground

Red robe stained
I chased her less
As I got older
Knowing she
Will come around again
And again till
It is my turn to end

I want to see rainbows and butterflies
Every time I close my eyes
And reserve the right to be mesmerised,
By the pure delight that awaits me every night;
Waking up in the morning
Ready to put the world to rights.
No more fights or frights.
I want to feel alive.

I want to be happy again.

I want to laugh uncontrollably,
So much that my belly hurts, my face aches
And my body bursts;
Into a thousand little funny bones,
Watch, as the fragile and delicate things,
Carefully piece themselves together and
Turn into big beautiful wings,
Making it easier to see where my sadness ends and happiness begins.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be the one that my friends can depend upon,
Not the one who upon a friend needs to depend,
Incase I break;
Break down into a million little pieces,
Glass rainbow dreams shattered and crumble
As I fall to my knees,
Desperate to breath.
Please; I need to believe.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be the surprise
That hits you right between the eyes
As I walk into a room, because you confuse
My smile with the sunrise,
Spreading its rays like the scent of perfume
And all of a sudden there's no more
Doom or gloom left to consume.
Eyes only on you, I'm reminded right now I have nothing to prove.

I want to be happy again.

I want my heart to beat so fast,
That it beats out my chest
And dances around like only it knows best.
The best way to compensate
For the heart ache that won't go away.
I want my heart to dance my troubles away,
As I watch it with a smile on my face,
Knowing eventually everything will turn out ok.

I want to be happy again.

I want to dance in the pouring rain,
No longer feeling the pain
That each little splash brings to my face;
Clouds the shape of tear ducts,
Pin ****** falling, piercing my skin
As the poisoning begins,
Tainting my thoughts with memories and eventualities.
Too many realities are taking toll on my sanity.

I want to be happy again...

I want you to build me a staircase
Out of rubber bands, hold out your hands,
And carefully lead the way to the forgotten lands;
Where you'll remind me no matter how often rainbows fall from the sky,
You will always be there - my sunrise,
Wiping away rain drops as they escape from the clouds in my eyes,
Helping me to replace each and every rainbow that falls from my sight.

I want to be happy again.

I need to be happy again.



I will be happy again.



© Karen L Hamilton, 2013

With lights in the sky
And cheer in my heart,
A drink in my hand,
A toast to the past

Treasure my memories;
Some triumphs were lost,
Now facing forward
But never forgot

I look to the future,
This one is for me
Year TWENTY-THIRTEEN
For wisdom and glee

Laid out before me
Adventures to come,
With laughter and smiles
I'll drink from the sun

Shining so brightly
Three weeks passed - still pleased,
Work arrange training,
One seat kept for me

First Aid Course progressed;
I wished to forget
The news I received
Before last years test...

(...As irony leaped
'Twas taught to save lives,
My mobile had beeped
With news my friend died

The shock had set in
I had to pull through,
Third day of the course
The test was now due

I pulled it together
My shakiness passed
I saved Annie's 'life'
I gave 'CPR'

I bandaged a 'cut'
I tended her knee,
I showed them I could
Help competently

I passed with "Well done"
But my heart broke in two,
Inside I was numb)
Old memories! Not new....

So, I focus today
With smile on my face,
DEFIBRILLATOR-
It's time to embrace!

I wait in the queue
Examined to be...
Bells chime, the phone rings,
My mum looks at me

(We work together)
She speaks to our Boss
"Can Karen go next?"
Her voice almost lost

I ask her "What's up?"
She said "It's bad news,
Was Grandad who called,
About your Nan Sue..."

She's hours to live
We must get there fast
But first you must go
And start Annie's heart!


© Karen L Hamilton, 2013

I had a nightmare,
But then I woke up to the rain,
Echoing softly off my window pane,
But I woke up in vain, because everything’s the same.

What do you want from me?
With your cities of concrete? Are you complete?
What do you want from me?
Your skyscraper views and your morning news,
What do you want from me?
Your holiday in the countryside, where does happiness reside?  
What do you want from me?

My thoughts are crabbed and sallow,
My tears like vinegar,
Or the bitter blinking yellow
Of an acetic star.

Tonight the caustic wind, love,
Gossips late and soon,
And I wear the wry-faced pucker of
The sour lemon moon.

While like an early summer plum,
Puny, green, and ****,
Droops upon its wizened stem
My lean, unripened heart.