i heard them say it's bad to push away the negativity
under the blanketing embrace of a nice evening drink
but my mind isn't well and my time seems at an end --
do i really have a problem when i worry that i'm the problem?

do i need to abide by the constructs those i do not know
have created for people like me to stand beside and follow
despite the everyday occurrences that warrant the attention
of those who sit and wait and do not listen?

shall i walk my way down this narrow street
under the dimming streetlights as cars pass me by
just because that's what's supposed to help me survive?

or perhaps i should visit the dwindling spaces
occupied by those paid to sit and listen
to the life stories of those they do not know?

shall i trust their intentions and pray for remission
of these symptoms that never seem to fade?

no -- instead, i think i'll bask in this sun
and reach my quivering hand to the right
to pick up my drink tilted on its side
and press it to my lips to taste the bitter embrace
of this warm can of serotonin and dopamine.

how dare you --
endless months of unraveling,
countless hours stitching wounds,
sunless mornings beaming with a nothingness
only conceptualized through experience,
with nights spent curled on the tile
writhing from the ache of embedded scars,
still mending the voids i had abandoned

500 days later i reside differently,
the threshold of a new chapter long anticipated,
a chance to refine my routine, to hone my rhythm,
to emerge evolved with renewed eyes,
a mantra of self-actualization
traversing turbulent seas within,
raging across the crevices of my core,
tapering tempestuous gusts,
emerging anew with a novel reverence
for the agony borne from your touch

a solitary text, a wrecking ball to progress,
returns me to that forsaken juncture,
perched within four walls of trauma,
amidst undulating hills of the bluegrass,
with screams reverberating through the valleys,
our fury etched into these uttered phrases

how could you —
500 days on, you persist within,
while I dwell less in your realm --
your echo lingers, though not reciprocal,
your manipulation, constantly unyielding,
the deceit still unsettling in its grip,
for change is but a mirage, after all.

vineyard ventures as dusk emerges,
city strolls under an overcast ceiling,
an evening partnered with a lilac vista
cowering behind the rising steel

there's a pizza joint just moments away,
and a coffee shop across the road;
these windows reveal too much --
intimate encounters and our rising intonation --
ignorance, a veil, defending hopeful grasps,
a cycle unturned of desperation repressed

violent retrospection rotted blue and grey
bleeding a warm scarlet through stitched skin
violet deception relied on predictable regimens,
championing the finale, marching away,
boasting the reality known to all,
savoring the painful recognizance  
soon to come

constructing walls endemic to home,
a malady suppressed within melting flesh --
time ticks silently in the background,
its roaring cries stifled by angst's grip,
spinning in moonbeams, dancing amidst the heavens,
inhaling the hesitant evening's mist,
musing on time and space's essence,
contemplating the laws of life and love.

Beneath the skies so lush and wide,
Where bluegrass sways and winds abide,
The sun above in glory shines,
Painting clouds with radiant lines.

Yet we were over, before begun,
Gratitude and sorrow, intertwined as one,
Emotions buried deep inside,
Beyond the universe, they hide.

My time here, a fleeting ghost,
Loss, a demon, unwelcome host,
Apocalyptic visions through the night,
Rhododendron blushing in the moon's soft light.

Bloodstains bleached from secrets kept,
Lies in the darkness, secrets swept,
Trembling hands, a race we'd run,
To find a life that's just begun.

This plasma sphere, it fades away,
Marigold hues in the pine trees sway,
Rolling hills, a green domain,
A rollercoaster of life's refrain.

Awakening to what's been concealed,
That toxic love, once so unhealed,
Shackles shattered, I am free,
To chase my dreams, my destiny.

Nature's grace, without judgment here,
Embraces me and holds me near,
In its soulful eyes, I find my peace,
And as I breathe deep, my troubles cease.

tangerine cider tickles my tongue
ultraviolet undulates on the blacktop,
a summer wave of a mistaken mirage
falsified, yet ever-so-present

i could've sworn it was tangible
the taste of your lips i've forgotten
some of the memories have dissipated
brown hair trickles along my earlobes
chocolate caresses my cheek
eyes stay peeled on me

i changed

my skin has sunken with calories
and my lips have cracked unwillingly
i watch tires swerving by
and ponder the progress i've made

yet i can't seem to wonder
if i've forgotten a piece of me
as i searched for what i'd lost,
for what you had stolen,
to no avail

how can i forgive someone
i can't even fathom to respect

empathy is a blessing to others
but a curse residing within

unforeseen laughter tickles my tongue
ultraviolet undulates against your desktop,
a newcomer waves to your own entourage
falsified, yet ever-so-present

i had a great day-
although it was raining
and the skies were dark
and i passed faces i felt like
i've never seen before.
but it was still a great day,
comparatively
despite the revolving visions
of the past where i was pained
enough to be forever engraved
with a symbol of the mistakes you made.
it was still a great day
hold your head up high,
know the past is in the past.
but it's not-
the past lives inside me
a fiery tornado of rage,
a sinner living amongst perfection,
holding me in its deceptive embrace.
i try to let go
of all the things unforgotten
but i cannot seem to forget
the way you hurt me.
today was a good day
even though i remember
all the things in the past,
at least we have the memories
that seem to fade so fast

you are the burn of cigarette smoke
painful, tearing at the insides of my body
yet i need you, i always crave you
smiling as you rush through my body
you can hear me screaming for help
yet i am silent
there is no sound, no movement
only the tears that drip from my eyes
a waterfall, slowly being drained of every drop
i look up
you are my detriment
and cigarettes only burn for so long