I used to wonder,
how people run back to bad relationships.
And then,
I met you.
Everything was great the first week we talked and when we met up,
Even a few days after things were still going good,
but then,
things took a turn.
You changed in the matter of a day,
your upbeat freindly vibe changed to controlling and emotional.
You told me not to be honest with you, and if i were you would leave,
You got drunk and tried to put the blame on me for your bad decisions.
And yet,
here I am,
struggling with wether or not the choice I made was right.
That maybe I'm the crazy one,
or that there is reason and rationally behind why you said and did what you did,
that somehow I'm the bad guy,
because it hurts me,
that I hurt you.
But now at least,
I don't have to wonder anymore.

These walls that I have built,
have filled me with some guilt,
for I have not let anyone in.
These walls are not made of tin,
but concrete.
Which is oftentimes difficult for me to defeat.
Some days they seem to be only ten feet tall,
yet other times they make me feel so small.
They're designed to keep people out,
so that I cannot be hurt without a doubt.
I know sometimes they can be good,
but other days, I wish they were made of wood.

To the me who was young and didn't think it would get better,
It is to you that I write this heartfelt letter.
Thank you for holding on when things were rough,
It just proves that you are insanely tough.
Thank you for being so level headed,
I know there were many times that you surely dreaded,
But keeping a clear mind,
Shows that you are one of a kind,
And not much can over take you.
No matter how blue,
You feel,
There are a few things I know to be real,
You are kind, funny and smart,
And you have a pretty big heart.
Although sometimes it doesn't feel okay,
Please know that it will one day,
Because you cannot grow with just all rain.

My heart feels like it's broken into pieces,
My mind is racing for a million different reasons.
I've got not one, not two, but three different people,
Who want to do things to themselves that are lethal.
It just doesn't seem fair,
And almost like they don't care,
Who the they hurt,
When they're going to be buried under six feet of dirt.

Your words burn like a fire through my heart.
How am I supposed to believe if I've been put down from the start?
Never good enough,
But that didn't mean you had to be so rough.
I'm sorry for all the things that I did,
But I was only just a little kid.
I cried and you told me stop
Or elese you'd a real reason to cry.

There's this person I know, and I've known him for quite some time.
And he comes around more often than not.
Some times he stays for a short time,
And others he makes my home his home.
We've had tea quite a few times,
We've had breakfast, lunch or dinner, we've spent hours on end,
And he's even stayed over a couple of times.
He's not good for me,
My heart hurts when he's around,
My stomach often in knots,
My head in shambles.
His presence alters me.
I finally learned his name,
His name is Pain.
He has been in and out of my life since I can remember.
And whenever I see his glistening smile looking back at me,
I know what's in store,
But for how long I'm not sure.
I can always count on him to knock on the door at some point,
And charm his way in,
But sometimes it's force that he uses.
His presence is inevitable,
No matter if I move,
Or hide,
Or run,
He will always find me or catch up.
But I have found if I run a certain way, his stay will shorten,
And his impact not as great.
If I run the opposite way his stay is longer and more hurtful.
Sometimes I'm not sure which way to run.
But I try anyway.

There are many beginnings and ends in this world.
Like when a caterpillar ends its life as a caterpillar and makes its cocoon,
It leaves everything it knows behind,
It trusts life's process and it becomes something greater and more beautiful than what it once was.
Or when a seed is planted and becomes a beautiful breath-taking flower. It also becomes something greater than its self.
And I wonder if the same goes for humans too.
I have struggled for a long time, but I have become a better person out of it.
But some struggles stay.
Will the struggle always be there?
Or will that end and something else begin?