My name is Courtney. My favorite colors are black and white because that's how I see everything. I'm usually loud in places I should be quiet and quiet in places I should be loud. I usually laugh too much, and smile when I don't want to. I like to meet new people but I don't like having super close friendships.
I like being left alone, most days I never leave my room.
I'm a scorpio but to be honest I have no idea what that means.
I have an odd fascination with things like the ocean and lights and coffee.
I like temporary things and that's why I tend to love people who could never love me back.
Its safer that way. Relationships only remind me that I'm not afraid of spiders or heights or rollercoasters but I'm terrified of everything that can be felt but not seen.
I have a purple heart. I got it because I'm constantly beating myself up about things and people I can't fix or make better.
I always try to swallow my pride but I choke on the words I can't say and my self esteem drowns out anything and everything that could be good or right in my life. My self esteem hates anything that could ever get close enough to hear me breathe. My self esteem is so scared of anyone that could ever hurt me like when I was 8 years old living through world war 3 in the place I called home.
I never sleep in complete darkness because that forces my eyes to see nothing but only feel what I'm afraid of.
I can't read letters without them being proof read first. I'm always so afraid that it'll blood stained by someone I love saying goodbye.
I hate goodbyes. I hate leaving doors open because open doors eventually get shut and that closed door stings more than any tear that ever rolled down my cheek.
This sounds so weird, but I wonder what my demons say about me when I'm not around. I wonder if they laugh at my weakness. I wonder if they were there when my friend heard me throwing up my pain into the toilet in my school's bathroom. I wonder if they saw me try to rip out the happiness of every picture I saw the boy I loved and his new girl in.
I don't allow myself to cry as often as I need to. I don't let myself grieve. I don't allow anyone to know anything about the first 13 years of my life. Because I know once I open that door, they will be scared of such a damaged me, that they will close it before I finish the story.
I do believe in God. I believe he didn't save me. I believe I've had to save myself all these years until I let him save me.
I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you.

I cannot stop writing about you. Every little thing I can remember, I've written it down.
I've written you down.
A permanent stain on these sheets.

Your poetry
Etches a way into my heart
Corny but truthful
Your art
Leaves pictures in my head
Beautifully meaningful
It really is too bad
This isn't meant to be

Sometimes I want to be held
Or want a listening ear
At times I want companionship
But my wants are blocked by fear
I fear being left
I fear not being heard
I fear meeting someone who will not keep their word

Sometimes I want to be bound
Other times I want to be free
Some nights I want someone to stay
Other nights I want them to leave
There are days I want someone special around
There are plenty of days when I just don't care
At the end of the day
I need reassurance that when I need that special someone they'll be there


Some days I can be extremely difficult
Other days I'm rather simple
Some days I'll require a lot from my man
But many days I'll only require little

I have to be real and admit
I don't really think that I'm fully equipped
For a monogomous relationship
But I'm willing to try
To think of this relationship thing with the right guy
If only he can promise not to make tears fall from my eyes

Yes, I have a brick wall up
And I surely am afraid of love
This is definitely true
I want to remove my guard
But I'm not sure if that's what I'm ready to do

Will I love?
Or will I hide from it?
I honesetly don't know what I'll choose
I guess until I figure it out
I'll continue to sing my single woman's blues

I am falling
Hopelessly and madly
I hear you calling
And I want to be with you badly
Every second, every hour of everyday
I'm hoping that someday, we may
Hold hands while we walk
Maybe steal kisses while we talk
Oh darling don't you forget
Please never regret
Know you are daily missed
I'm holding on to what you promised
And Also believing
Don't waste what I'm giving
A chance
To be my last dance
Through this fascinating circumstance
Of finding our own romance
You are my anchor
To questions, are my answer
You keep my head in a cloud
Never realized how this could be loud
You let me sink in the depths of your love
Maybe in the future we'll be releasing two doves
You're my enigma
My island made with cooled magma
So mysterious, so unique
My thoughts are quite often oblique
But like I said
Love is never looking behind but traveling ahead

till then my love, I wish you good night
let you heart filled with fright
be free to soar and gleam
*I'll be watching, seeing every beam

i have a face cut from ice
a heart pierced in a thousand places
so to remember
always the same voice
the same gestures
and my laughter
heavy
as a wall
between you and me

the ones who are most alive
seem the most still

behind the milky way
a shadow dances

our gaze climbs toward the stars