The night came like to the woman in white like thunder, but it was unlike any dream she had ever seen before.

Nothing could compare to this. Nothing could compare to this scale, this intense freedom.
She kept running
She walked into a kind looking abyss

And still there was a new way of living that tore her away.
From her current reality

What a dream she thought, what a confusing, chaotic dream.

Losing and finding it all
at - once -

She looked up
Wiped the tears and sweat


A thought caught her by surprise,


This is magical beyond all desires.

“I need something to take the pain away”

I need something to take the pain away
Not drugs, not alcohol
Something addictive but not deadly
Something that won’t break it’s promise
Something I can run to
Something that will protect me
Something that can teach me
Something that can change me

Something that will love me for who I am
What I’ve done
What I’ve said
What I’ve thought
Who I’ve hurt
The promises I’ve broken
The pain I’ve given to others

Something that can see the pain I feel
The tears I’ve hidden
The thoughts that I think
The anger I’ve felt
The words I’ve said to myself
The words I’ve written in paper
The sleepless nights
The walls I built
The cages I’ve locked
The endless flashbacks
The secrets I keep

I need something that understands the reasons why
I wake up feeling emotionless
I wake up feeling emotional
Feeling angry
Feeling sad
Feeling like a disappointment
Feeling like a waste of space
Energy
And love
Why I don’t feel loved

Why
Why do I feel anger
Sadness
Why do I get anxiety
Why I lock myself in my room and cry
Why I like sitting in the dark killing myself with my own thoughts

I need something.......... or someone that will be there for me and love me. That won’t betray me, that will forgive me. That will make me feel strong. Something  can grow with.

Or someone.

I think i'm sick
and I can't find out yet
if what I suspect
is what I should expect.
I'm avoiding researching
The internet
Because it'll put my mind in a panic
I can't afford to be manic.
I can't afford to panic.

i am afraid,
someone will not like me.
that someone will judge me.
that someone might look at me and think,
she makes my life miserable.