i dont know how to address you anymore so i wont.
its been about 4 months since i last heard your voice.
almost 3 since you wished me on my birthday.
i remember the first time i met you like it was yesterday.
you walked towards me.  
nervous smile on your face.
bottle of tequila in your hand.
white shirt.
cherry pants.
suede shoes.
you stood before me.
said hi.
made a joke about shaking hands.
but hugged me like your life depended on it.
let go of me.
walked with me a little.
hugged me again.
like it was oxygen for you.
stood by my side in the elevator.
looking at me.
through your peripheral vision.
that night, we were glued to each other at the hip.
you went down on your knee.
asked me to be yours.
kissed me in front of strangers.
no care in the world.
because yours resided in my eyes.
and mine, in yours.
these eyes of mine,
they’ve built a house of nonchalance
around my heart.
no one can even get a peek
into the glorious mess of feelings
that reside there
for they would never be able to find a key
to the doors
and turn that empty house
into a home

Calluses form on my fingers
My bones replaced with steel
Thick vines and thorns cover my hands
To handle my demons and other evils

My hands grew an armor of their own
Losing my gentle touch in the process
Asking me to hold something so fragile
Is a longing i have persistently repressed

My strength would override my intention
I would mistakenly crush it within my grasp
Tears watering a dead flower
Would not redeem my past

Love, so kind and gentle
Has to suffer, to penetrate my walls
In order to defeat my defence mechanisms
My insecurities and all of my faults

You ask why don't I break my own barriers
It is for love's protection from me
So I cower and hide, avoiding love itself
Behind the assumption that it was meant to be

You said I couldn't understand
You said my heart couldn't even feel
You said I could never love anyone

Unfortunately
I do.
And I do know how it feels to be
Torn
Apart
Because I couldn't control what someone had taken out of my hands

But I've never told you
The way it was
The tension spiking as the question
Popped out of his mouth
We were young
Still are
But
My heart
Is growing old
Of the feelings it cannot hold

I. Refuse to admit it
I. Never will
Because I said no
And he turned away
I still see him now and then
But I built a wall between us
All cause I didn't want to see his
Blood
On my hands

In a twisted game
Of telephone
I never meant to start
He heard
"I love you"
But I'd said
"I used to"
And from that moment on
It was a tangled loom
On which we wove
A tapestry of feuds

I still see him now and then
But I built a wall between us
And nothing will ever be
The same