not all of us were born stars
some of us were born as the darkness
in between
that exists solely for them to shine
all the brighter

Esther Krenzin

sometimes
the pain becomes too much
and the emotions
become one
jumbled up
mess.

you become too numb to cry
you sit
and stare at a wall
and just wish
that the tears would come
so you can just let the pain out
just something
to let you know
that you’re still...
alive.

but they don’t

you continue to feel
as if
you are nothing
as if no one cares.

your anxiety gets worse
you scream
you cry
you want so desperately
to die..
but you put on a smile
because
you’re the happy one
right?

wrong
you seem happy
no one cares enough to ask
“are you okay”
you continue
over and over
to make sure
that your so called
friends
are okay
that you sacrifice your own health
your own happiness
and you begin to stop feeling at all

you want out
but you can’t get out
this is an endless cycle
that you’ll be stuck in forever
or at least until you decide to do something

you are standing in the bathroom
bottle in hand
ready to take the life
that has been taken advantage of
by others who don’t care

but you can’t bring yourself to do it
you want out so desperately
but you just
can’t
do it

you think about your mom
your dad
your baby sister
the people that would care
the people that’s worlds would stop
if you did this
you think of your dog
that would whine and whine
if their owner
didn’t come home from school

you think of these little things
you put the bottle down
you walk out the bathroom
and run for the people you love
you hug them harder than you’ve ever hugged anyone in your life
you ask for help
and you live another day..

Before
In a time I can't remember
There was nothing but dark

Then you arrived
A sun to light up my world
Water to keep me alive

You were sweet like honey
With the right amount of sour
To keep things interesting

I made a mistake

I told you who I am

You may be supportive, sure
But you'd never change
For someone, you claimed to love

I was tossed aside
While you ventured out
For you next conquest

How could you
Someone as broken as me
Break me even more?

I can make you the happiest you’ve ever been
And the happiest you’ll ever be
A lantern to light your darkest days
If you give me a chance, I will love you endlessly

I can give you the moon, the stars, and the sea
To the heavens, I’ll gift you the key
But I know, even if I gave you everything,
I can never make you love me.

Unnoticed, non- existent, who?
That is me.
Hidden behind the shadows,
that's all I'll ever be.
Me smiling and laughing is something you'll never see,
or is it something
you dread to see?

You glare at my every move
when what you should be doing is soothe
the feelings that put me on edge.
Isn't that what mothers do?
Not you!

You were never like others,
only ever comforted my brothers;
didn't ever believe in lovers,
prohibited love for others like me,
or was it just you didn't desire the best for me, we'll see.

Me smiling and laughing
is something you'll never see,
when you're wishing the worst for me.
But do you ever put a wish my way?
Do you even think of me any day?
Remember my name?
only a burden on your chest;
missed out on the chance of being protected in your nest.

Forgotten is all I am,
unnoticed, non-existent, who?

writing to many till ineffable
waiting to long and crocked
working out loud so insensible
and wishing in crowd then told,

I am lost
Without words to guide the way
I cannot see more than ten feet
Directly in front of me
I am nothing
I cannot hope to be anything more
Please don't tell me that I'm perfect
That 'you're good just the way you are!'
I'm really not okay
So don't pretend that I am
I am tired of being me
I am tired of being sane
Because I'm not
So I'm going to pretend that you don't treat me like a slave
That I am not just your personal maid
I am used to being stepped on
Used for anything at all
I just want to feel something good
Love that goes bother ways.

But I am dried up
I have no more love to give
All the people I have loved
Have drunk me up
Given me nothing at all but pity and a sad smile
As they walked away
Relishing my denial
So don't tell me that you want me
Because I know that want is not love
And even if it was
You don't deserve me
Because I am all dried up