"What almost killed me never made me stronger at all"

Loving you was like pulling the pin out of a hand grenade* then dropping it, and expecting it to not blow up in your face.

i walk on stilts
so no one can tell
how small you make me feel
does that make sense?
not everything makes sense
it doesn’t have to
you never did
and what i feel for you never does
i keep smashing our picture frames
and letting myself get cut on the glass
‘cause i’m not ready to clean up the shards
i don’t seem to be ready for anything
it’s been two months
since i’ve heard you sleep talk
and i swear silence
has never felt louder
now at night
i can't ever fall asleep
without wondering
how small her hands are
compared to yours
and if they’re enough for you to hold onto
i wonder how soft her lips are
and if you cringe
when she leans in for a kiss
sometimes i wonder
if i saw you in a grocery store one day
if we would make small talk
i wonder if i would want to punch your face
or caress it
i think i knew
that loving you
was a death wish
i guess i just didn’t realize that
you would refuse
to write the eulogy
or even show up
to the ******* funeral

I would like to apologize for my very **** outfit
I mean who wouldn't be turned on by my button up shirt, tights, skirt, and boat shoes
Clearly I was asking for you to grab it
I mean I was basically wearing a sign saying grab it
I deserved the anxiety attack it caused me
I 100% deserved showering for an hour to feel clean
I hope you're happy
I mean I won't forget it
If you ever need a reminder check the notes you carved into my wrist

Perhaps I get a little too invested,
With anyone who might just,
Happen to look my way

******* isn’t a very pretty word, so let’s pretend it wasn’t. We’ll say it was... love.
Or do they call it making love? Does it matter if that wasn’t what it was?
Recall I don’t love you and neither you me. It doesn’t really matter because what will we ever be?
Curled up next to you almost made me think I was happy. I’ll say it was... infatuation.
Enamored, maybe, I was. But then again you were only using me, weren’t you darling?
Don’t pretend you don’t remember those three nights. I can help you out if you’d like.

Teasing was all it was supposed to be. Do you remember the taste of my lips? I remember yours.
Re: not the ones on your face. But from a legal standpoint, do you know what you did?
All that fun we had? You drugged me, used me, and took advantage of me. I swear you did.
Unless I was high the whole time, I’m fairly certain your boyfriend was filming us.
Might I add that he could be arrested for exploiting a minor?
And you, too, for ****. But don’t worry, we were just *******. Right?

But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that. What we made was love, remember?
Love, like when you spiked my coffee. Love, when you watched me strip. Love...
Uncouth is how I would describe the things we said to each other. Bad words, bad words.
Now I just want to tell you one thing, and don’t take it the wrong way.
Te amo, mi amor. I hope you burn in hell but only when you treat me well.

The tears, they want out
Yet none fall, a thought held in
A way out is found