Can be the scariest moment of your life if it is true.

The scariest time.

Yes you are in love, but you also fear for what could happen if you lose it.

I'm not talking about cheating or disconnect,

I am talking about death.

The worst thing you could ever imagine, is your partners death, and what you would do without them.

It's an unbearable pain. Even if hypothetical.

It's tragic, it's lonely, it's toxic.

You start thinking of all the things you would do if you suddenly found your boo dead.

It's such a particular dread.

I know I have anxiety.

And that is what causes these thoughts.

But still I think about what would I do,

I she were to leave this earth.

The funny thing is we have this kind of suicide pact. If she were to leave I would follow and vice versa.

Sometimes I wonder if that is really true. And I picture life without you.

And all I see is me

drowning at the

bottom of the

ocean.

I would happily gulp down waves of salt if it were fact that I could

never see her again.

I took myself from from city to city
To pursue my dreams as tall as skyscrapers
But with more freedom comes more precaution
And all the safety nets set around couldn’t catch me from the fall

Mom told me to not forget about the top lock of my door at night
Dad said to always tell a friend when I’m heading out
I’ve learned not to ride the subway alone after 5 pm
But I needed someone to tell me that I did the right thing

I navigated my nights through pavements and grids
I found myself in the Upper East side, the streets shifting beneath my feet
Bacardi dictating each of my steps, but making no difference when I danced
I was always told to never trust a back alley, but no one warned me about a dance floor

I stumble my way onto the street, change scattered all over 72nd
I count the pennies like I count sheep, usually I’m out by 30
Hailing a cab, with him right beside me
My head rests on his shoulder along with the thought of good intentions

His apartment had a remarkable view of the skyline, but I can’t look at it the same
The Empire State reminds me of bruises on my thighs and muffled screams
My night faded in and out from flickering kitchen lights and cold linoleum flooring
But the next morning clarity hit
Veiled with excuses
Confusion
Regret
Shame
They say the NYPD are the finest in the world
But I sit in this cold, stale building reflecting on the night before
My mascara still smeared and a rip in my tights

“Is this what you were wearing?”
“How much exactly did you have to drink”
“You agreed to go to his apartment though”
“How often do you go home with strangers?”

My throat is tight
Everything I say is taken and twisted
Eyes glaring at me with low-brows
And the smell of burnt coffee
Trust draining out my body as color drains from my face
I’m ripping through the safety nets, one by one

Unable to take their judgemental gaze, I look up at the ceiling
Answering questions
I think to myself, “Was this moment in a cold police station even worth the fight?”
Was this cry for help from one terrible night worth the trauma they’ve caused from doubt
It’s unbelievable that I would have to rationalize which event was worse

I just needed someone to tell me I did the right thing.

I can’t look at them
I still look up and answer questions
That time spent counting each tile on the ceiling until it was over,
when i should have been counting sheep,
hoping I can wake up and this was just a dream,
but I keep counting…

100, 200, 300..

Snow-so pure. So
fresh.
So childish.

Small, splattering, scarlet droplets
is all it takes to take away the
value of something so pure.
Making it something.
Damaged. matured.

Scarlet that looks smooth
as silk
Puts on a facade for something brutish,
Scandalous, even.

Fluffy white sheets are graceful with the way
on the house they lay.
Inside, the spacious skeleton is more demanding.
haunting. Echoes of yelling. Cursing. breaking.
Shattering-

is it my time?
scarlet painting her own face.

no. this is the
beginning.
Of a journey.
A quest.

a low, grumbling, gutteral
sound.
More scarlet.

For darkness she begged.
for eternal slumber she dreamt.
anything to wash away this scarlet mess.

I really don't know what to say,

other than the fact that I want to cut but this is a better outlet.

God.

I want it so bad. Why do I want to hurt?

My girl is asleep.

Why can't I focus on her.

Instead I have this burning desire to strike pain in my own veins.

I don't know if I'll make it tonight clean.

We will see.

the condominium i have stayed in
for almost two years now
stands at forty-five
stories high.
from the ground below
it looks like some skyscraper
a scrambled mess of uniformity
and abstraction.
i live on the thirty-sixth floor.
sometimes,
as i stare up its great height,
i find myself counting the windows,
trying to pinpoint my temporary home
from my blurry place on the earth below.
around this tower of concrete there is only air.
behind it the sky sits white and endless.

i live on the thirty-sixth floor.
i find myself thinking:
if i jump,
i'd never survive the fall.
maybe
it is one of those high-enough cliffs
that i'd feel myself falling
for an age
before the shatter.
a breathless,
screaming
thrill
before the end.

after looking my fill
i bring my gaze to the path in front of me again,
my mind returned to earth,
and walk,
steady.

i live on the thirty-sixth floor.
once, i opened the door
to the great open sky
and met the eyes
of the earth below.
the height brought with it
a vertigo i could not name.
from here,
the road below was perhaps as thick as a finger.
my heart pounded in time
with the shriek of traffic.
my feet lifted onto my toes
and i thought:
the fall would **** me,
easy.
i thought:
i am so small.
the idea is comforting
in the strangest way.

i step back,
my feet refinding floor tile,
hands fumbling for the handle,
and close the door.

Today I felt the need to bleed,
Strongest it's been for a while.
I clenched my jaw and pinched my fingers,
Turned grimace into smile.

I wanted to scratch myself to pieces,
Rake nails across my skin.
Or make myself throw up my dinner
Any pain would be a win.

I don't quite know what set it off,
Why I had such strong desire
To bite my fingers, pull my hair,
Or recklessly play with fire.

But something happened just today,
I wish that I knew why.
Because something happened just today,
That made me want to die.

And since it's been so long since Then
Since when these feelings were there
It shocked me to the core alright,
And suddenly I was scared.

I've lied to myself for far too long,
Saying I'm alright,
But in reality that isn't true,
In reality I'm done with this fight.

I don't want to keep living a fearful life,
But I fear all my strength is gone.
I've fought against myself so long,
That I just want to be done.

we all have our voices

there’s the one made of sunshine and joy
that speaks during the day
the one who laughs at jokes
and smiles and flirts at everyone
the childish one who must be reminded
that the world is not merely light

but then there’s the other
made of tears and night
who pipes up when you lay in bed
and whispers, “you aren’t good enough”
the sorrowful one wise beyond its years
who never fails to remind you
that this is what the world is like

She looked at me and pulled the scissors out of my hands. Her eyes drift towards my arms. She says she never trusted me with anything sharp.

I have serrated edges
I need someone to keep me away from high places
They read my diary pages and look at me like my guts are hanging out
She tells me I'm made of glass and she is getting tired of existing as an ambulance

Sometimes I go out too deep
I put so many holes in the ship I can't believe it didn't sink
A zipper on each wrist,
a body scratched like an old disk.
I needed a life vest
I needed bandages
I needed sutures
I needed stitches

I wound up stranded
in a doctors office
where they asks how bad
it hurt on a scale of 1-10

I came with
THE SADNESS WAZ HERE
etched into my limbs
I scar like tree bark

Maybe
I never get better
The nurses used scotch tape to put me back together