It's strange how a few short seconds can lead you in a whole new direction,
It alters how you think and act and see your own reflection.
From a single moment on, my life was forever changed,
Like everything I previously knew had suddenly been rearranged.

No one will ever understand just how I felt that day,
But deep within this poem I shall try to convey.
I cannot even begin to illustrate the repulsive person I once knew.
I intend to simply express the horror that I went through.

I was abruptly pinned against the wall of a hard, rough concrete stairwell,
At two AM, in Hempstead, where not a soul was likely to dwell.
Suddenly I was captured, no possible way to escape.
Wondering if I deserved it, if it was truly my fate.

I tried to fly away, but my wings he had broke.
I was like an innocent cow, that he used to **** and poke.
My mind filled with confusion, and his filled with lust.
He took another part of me with each and every ******.

Tears like elegant pearls gracefully danced down my face,
I peered into his soul with a firm look of disgrace.
His cold touch like a vacuum, ******* out the life in me.
His ears were wide open, but he wouldn't hear my plea.

Standing there in the night, so scared, so exposed.
I was covered by a veil of darkness, like satin petals of a rose.
The glowing moon looked down at me, peaking through a massive blanket of stars.
I could touch it; it seemed so close, but it was really oh so far.

Worse than at the doctor; he injected me with filth and dirt.
His intention was deliberate; it was very clear and overt.
It is a bit funny that a piece of **** is all he'll ever be,
And the only thing that he accomplished doing in life-is me.

Sometimes late at night I simply can't fall sleep,
Thinking about how my innocence is no longer mine to keep.
What some can only imagine in their worst possible nightmare,
Is my gruesome reality that can't be undone nor repaired.

I may have the sweetest smile, glowing between my nose and chin.
But only I know the truth about the deep secrets held within.
I may have the prettiest eyes that have seen more than they should,
And have cried more delicate tears than anyone else ever could.

I may have the kindest heart, but that came with a cost.
It has felt the worst of pains, and experienced the greatest loss.
I cannot change the past, an event to which I succumbed.
But I can focus on the present, and change what is to come.

We are all so different, and yet so much the same.
Everyone, in some way or another, will experience a kind of pain.
Everybody has things they wish not to recall,
Into each life some rain must fall.

Scattered throughout our lives, like a friend that is one of a kind,
Dreary days will steadily approach, bad memories trailing behind.
These dark days are necessary, just as important as the rest,
For if we didn't have the worst, we couldn't recognize the best.

Sometimes the weather
Is a foe you can't beat.
The library just closed
"Due to excessive heat".

Some people say that mass shootings
Wouldn't happen if both sides had guns
They say that a vigilante crossfire
Can protect our nation's daughters and sons

To those people I will tell
A story told to me by my family
About a situation exactly like that
And what the true outcome would be

There was a woman, one of my cousins
From somewhere on my family tree
I've never met her, but my parents know her
And she is related to me

This young woman met a man
And eventually they were engaged
But what happened next definately was
Where things took a turn for the strange

See, my cousin decided to move four hours away
With her fiance once they were married
This would require her to change her job
And the responses to this were varied

In particular my cousin's boss
Had a rather bizarre objection
When she told him of this, he confessed
That, for her, he harbored an affection

My cousin, of course, moved anyways
Though she and her husband were very concerned
And they were shocked to find her boss stalking her
As into their lives he returned

So her husband went to the local sheriff
And told him what was happening
About how his wife's old boss followed them
To the point where it became maddening

The sheriff told him he would help
That he would look into what could be done
And he also said they'd be safer
If the man got himself a gun

So my cousin's husband did that
Learned how to fire a shot
Then one day the old boss met them
In an empty parking lot

The fighting escalated quickly
To tensions it had never reached before
The man pulled out his gun, and told his wife to run
Into the nearby Wal-Mart store

The boss had brought a gun as well
And this is the ending that I shall tell
A shot to the stomach and a shot to the head
By the end of the night, both men were dead

I am sitting here
Almost two full years later
(One week until to be exact)
And I still can't get you out of my head
It's late night phone calls that flood my memory
Like 12:46 AM
And You saying things like
"Please go to sleep, it's so late,
And I don't want you hurting in the morning"
And
"If I say something really sweet--
Well I think it's sweet, at least--
Will you go to sleep"
Then
"I want to be your first kiss"
But B, that's just who you are
You're the divide and conquer kind
It's little lines like
"I owe a penny"
And a competitive
"Well, I owe 100 pennies"
That make me want to cry
It's references to songs
And wanting to end my self inflicted scarring
When in reality
You are a part of that collection
It's that 11 PM call
Where you "met" my mother
If we could even call it that
It's two days later
And the first "I love you"
And me almost crying as those words
Tumbled from your mouth
I believed it all
I believed in you
But then it became
"You're a great girl
But I don't think this will work"
I waited for two weeks
Before making a mistake and coming back
I didn't think it was a mistake
When you asked for a date
Of cuddling on your uncle's couch
Because you just got your license
And wanted me to be first in your car
It was supposed to be teriyaki and your favorite movie,
Hercules
And you wouldn't have cared if I sang along
With every single song
Because you loved the idea
Of a private screening
Not in a ****** way
But of course,
You were a sixteen year old boy
You wanted ***
I can't believe I actually thought about it
And the simple words that
Made me believe it could happen
"Of course I'm upset, Silly,
I didn't get to see my girl"
A few days later the silence came
Because you decided
You couldn't date me because I attended
The school of your past
But you decided to date her
A character of the past attending your school of the past
You even convinced her to runaway with you
When CPS pulled some ******* moves
With your abusive father and standby mother
I could've been that girl
I could've loved you forever
I remember December
When you told me you'd found God
And tried to help convert me
You were the only one I'd let call me
"Sammie"
I've always thought it weird that
You were allowed to flirt with me
But it couldn't be me flirting with you
Even with your migraine
And my offer to give
"All the pennies in the world to make it all better"
I learned that's because you'd leave
Three days later
I waited **** near a year
Before reaching out to you again
With a letter drafted
A total of
Twenty-eight times
Because of an English teacher
Encouraging thanks
You replied and I filled with hope
Only for you to ask me to stop talking to you
And your friends
Even though Matt is my friend, too
But before leaving again
I was aware of the biggest backstabbing
In all of history
You were back with the friend I was defending
That brought us together
That made fun of your invisible genitals
I cried mercilessly
And ran to the bathroom
Throwing my body against the wall
Almost breaking my fists
Then I cooled off
Walked to the floor where
Bailey and I were dining
She on a turkey sandwich
With cheese, mustard, and olives
Myself on a buffet of tears
When I saw a tall figure I somehow knew was you
Signing out
She thought I was delusional
But when she turned
All she could say was,
"Samm...that is him"
And I huffed up my chest
Stuck up my head
Dried my eyes
And bit my lip
I held it together for a
Full five seconds
After you walked out the door
And I ran faster than I'd ever run before
Faster than you'd ever run before
Even with football before your shoulder
And bashed a dent in that concrete wall
You tried to contact me
January of this year
We talked for a bit because I'm stupid
When it comes to the past
But then I called you a *******
And you left
I didn't talk to you until May afterward
Before Cole broke my heart
But B,
*******
Please stop haunting me
Please leave me alone

Once upon a time
In the fairest land
Of New Jersey
At a royal wedding
The now royal niece met
The hired photo booth runner
And his name was Nick
Now Nick did not know what was occurring
He thought she loved cameras
She went with her sister and grandmother
Then just her grandmother
Then only her sister
He friend would contact her
On the fanciest slide phone
And to avoid looking rude
She'd stand next to the table
Right near the booth
Finally with her brother
She talked and he talked
They laughed and joked
About how she should get him fired
For interacting with clients
As it was forbidden
He claimed he would travel
Across the country
To the kingdom
Of Washington
For her wedding in a year or so
She chuckled covertly
Revealing her age
Only to find he was twenty
He thought it was funny
And called her cute
So she gave her phone number away
When really she should've have gone
With her Instagram name
Near the end of the event
She invited him to the dance floor
For the most regal song of all
"Don't Stop Believing"
After those five minutes she assisted him
In the packing of his equipment
And they parted ways
Never to speak again
Both leaving
Dumbly happy
The End

I let them flow
on the page like someone crying through the night.

The words that leave me are the ones that come from the girl who can't say them herself.

The words that show on my paper are the ones that come from the boy who thinks it will mean he's weak if he lets them escape.

I let them flow
on the page unlike the words that get trapped in the cage of their minds.

I let them flow like it's do or die

-been

I ever loved one man
The one that I thought
was The One

He broke my heart
and crashed my soul
He leave me hanging,
To the pleace I've never known

Five years had past
But the hatred still with me,
The unaswered questions
Still, bothering me.

I know I'm young enough to say
But in my heart I know
His my ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

The words are like rope,
wrapped around her neck.
The stares are like blades,
that cut through her wrists.
The laughs are like needles,
that tear through her skin.

But none of that can compare to her mind that is like a gun, the trigger pulled fast and the bullet through her head...
You see that is what had happened.
What left her dead.

-been

Farewell Govan -
bathed in a baking sun
littered with betting shops
and no win/no fee criminal lawyers
and a myriad of pubs caked in years of libation
steeped in history of industry and shipbuilding
blackened smoked walls etched with gangland symbols:
tooled-up local carnivores who ride shotgun on a BMX
swapping discrete envelopes for indiscreet wads of cash.

Farewell Govan -
you fractured my ribs once in a moment of mistaken identity
I didn't heed the advice to not walk through the park at night
I didn't hear the pitter-patter of adolescent feet
speeding my way in brand new trainers across the grass
but I did feel the clunk of something solid on my head
as the ground rushed up to meet me in a concrete embrace
and watched as 4 bags of overladen shopping spewed out
lying face up spread-eagle in Lilliput fashion
and a mobile torch-app in my face with the repeating words
“Ima tellin’ you man its naw him, its naw him”
I reassured them frantically that I was definitely not him!
as the hooded troupe picked up what was left of my shopping
and even gifted me a couple of cans of super strength lager,
a cube of dubious council estate hash
and an usher to leave immediately
(and think myself lucky).

Farewell Govan -
you got me blazing on cheap beer at the local pub
which had recreated a holiday beach scene
with a hand-written sign that read: Better than Ibiza!
awash with carefree children
and pit-bull terriers wearing bespoke Barbour dog jackets
and brand spanking new Adidas white trainers
purchased from Tam out of a nondescript blue plastic bag
who always passes the day's pleasantries
while topping up his pension
chatting with auld Billy who was in the war (don’t you know)
via the Merchant Navy
and the version of how he was gunner on an oil boat in Vietnam
via the umpteenth pint that afternoon.

Farewell Govan -
your late night shadows harbour an underlying tension
masked with comic humour only if you can understand the lingo
words that are distasteful anywhere else are in fact a term of endearment here
I shall miss the odious vernacular and doth my cap to your spirit
the Salt of the Earth and the Lifeblood of the Community
with at least 40% proof liquids mixed with Irn Bru
purchased at the 24/7 corner store along with a can of processed peas;
one of your five a day.

Farewell Govan -
I go to the sunny side of the Clyde
where it rains just as much
but you don’t get mugged for carrying an umbrella
or asked for the time from a watch-wearing tattooed sailor
and joy-of-joys there will be actual fruit & veg shops
where I don’t have to explain what fresh coriander is
and what you use it for, other than on a pizza;
I was offered dried bottled parsley instead.

Farewell Govan.

She was fifteen and messy haired, a sweet girl you would call "honey" without a tone of patronage, fuzzy pink sweater and braces and eyes that folded when she smiled, so much so we called her Squints McGee.
But what could so easily be hidden behind eyes crinkled with laughter and warm purple slippers were the names others whispered as she walked by, snakes that slithered out of slit lips and silent stealthy glares,
NAMES THEY CALL MY BEST FRIEND
****
*****
*****
Easy
Names that hurt me as I walked beside her, protecting her as a younger sister, my beautiful best friend. Begging others "don't judge her, you don't understand, just get to know her"
Parked outside the football field on January or was it November ish evening- fingers nervously tapping out confessions on the dashboard, honest melting eyes, she told me everything. What he promised her, what he stole from her, unwrapping her like a Christmas present, greedily, gift paper in strips on the living room floor.

I was seventeen and tall, with brown hair and hips that led boys in Whataburger late at night to make sounds as I walked by. I wore combat boots and wrote poetry on my phone and was known as the worst driver in my high school. But what could so easily be masked behind thick glasses lenses and chunky earrings was the ****** war raging in my brain
NAMES HE CALLED ME THAT NIGHT
****
*****
*****
Easy
And laying backstage at theatre rehearsal, I told her. Whispered I loved him and he was the one, he just made a mistake. He would come back, I was sure of it. But at home I dug razors into my thoughts and screamed emptiness into my pillow.

If he loved me, why did he hurt me? Break my body into pieces and choose the parts he wanted, squeeze my trust between his fingers, paint my mind with his anger and his drug addiction.

If he loved her, why did he hurt her? Kidnap her innocence and stamp her with a fragile mark, make her body a punchline to his friends, publish her secrets to the football team.

Because of him the word love will forever be associated with pain, the act of *** tainted with punishment, the idea of a companion smeared with abandonment.

Because of you I had a panic attack in my shower on Christmas Eve, naked and shaking on the cold tile floor, where blood looks oddly orange and my hair swirls into lines that look like a map to my messy mind.

And when my mother found me. And I told her the truth. Two years from the day she picked me up from the park late at night and begged me to tell her if I was hurt and I lied.

She told me the same thing had happened to her once too.