i thought i was getting better

a better sister
a better friend
a better human
a better weight
a better student
a better daughter
a better mental health
but it was just a lie

wasnt it?

Go to sleep
you broken thing
you tired, tired
sack of tissue
say your prayers tonight
get up tomorrow
and be ready
to be broken all over again
Amen.

The rice cooker broke
because I turned it on
with no rice inside to cook
And its empty clay
couldn't take the heat all alone
So it just cracked, all spiderweb
Almost pretty.  Useless.
And I hated myself for that.
I felt pretty useless for that.

What's funny,
I think it's funny,
I want to think it's funny,
is that it's been years
but I remember, and I still,
and I am still pretty useless for that.

Once Upon A Time
Pressure cooking was exciting
It was Hot,
It was Tense,
Leading tone to tonic
Tugging me towards...

But I'm bored with that now.
I'm bored of stress.
      (but I'm stressed when I'm bored.)

I'll just go to sleep.

And in the morning

I'll remember to add rice.

Everything hurts
the only thing keeping me going most of the time
is the pills prescribed to me

I don't want to do this anymore

im tired

I'm Exhausted
Always watching what i say
so as to not upset the people around me
making them feel better before i do
Being there for everyone else

If i talk to them about how i feel
it just makes them feel worse
talking them off the edge
while I'm hanging from it
is the hardest thing I've ever had to do

That time we walked around for no reason.

Talking.
Outer.
Wooden door.
Brain rush.
Molecule.
Closing eyes.
What's her name.
**** I forgot her name.


Garrett Johnson.