if we close our eyes and i clasp
my hands together really tight, we can
pretend that i’m 7 again

so embarrassed to tell gram that i wet the bed
i smile and nod
through the wetness down my legs

nobody’s home to tuck me in
in a minute i’ll have to get up and take a shower, and then i’ll see
the blood.

every car that’s driving by slows down by our house
the drivers rubberneck into our family room
& peer over the kitchen counter to stare at my naked body,
a fender ****** on route 30

traffic will be backed up for miles

this accident has scars on its arms
this accident has shaky hands
this accident can’t look you in the eye when it says
i’m sorry

in 20 minutes, it’ll all be down the drain
i will send grace pictures
of me when i got my wisdom teeth out
and reassure her that the swelling won’t be that bad

after i clean the knife we can act
like nothing ever happened, until
the next time that i hurt someone
other than myself

Roughly one year,
twelve months,
three-hundred-eighty-three days,
nine-thousand-one-hundred-ninety-six hours,
five-hundred-fifty-one-thousand-seven-hundred-fifty-four minutes,
thirty-three-million-one-hundred-five-thousand-two-hundr­ed-fourty seconds…
It is in these shreds of time that many vile moments will unfold like the last shedding of a snake’s skin.
There is no vaccine for the venom that is soon to occur,
it must simply run its violent course.
It will thin my blood,
and exfoliate me from within so that my soul is raw.
It is neither the lightheartedness of friends,
nor the contempt for those I have wronged that will keep me alive,
as there is no hospital that can cure wounds of this nature.
Time has lost its medical license due to malpractice,
and I once again find myself practicing patience with snakes.

i went back at twenty-three,
to the school that survived me.
the rebel, the headache,
the girl who wouldn’t listen —
and thought of this building
as being trapped in a cage.

it felt like coming home.
my teacher grinning wide,
filling me with warmth,
hugging me from the side
during the memorial,
as if the teenagers on stage
weren’t reciting poems
about the war.

he kept leaning in,
whispering jokes
of old times.
shushing didn’t work –
i was secretly glowing
in their unexpected pride.

they called me the proof.
an example, that
the troubled can bloom.
but all i could think
was how they loved me
through my worst,
and still do.

when someone looks at me,
is my introduction what

they think theyd get?

theres gotta be more to me then this cell-
not just the clumps of cells i project,
but the prison within.

atleast windows are reliable,
no wonder about a double standard,
when both sides are see through and sane.

so many others have been locked in this same cell
it doesnt make me feel better as

im still here alone.

expect for the voices in my head
a imposter in my cell-
hovering in the corner,
the crack in the wall.

as i cry this imposter laughs at my vulnerability
my biggest hater.

my stomach twist says every flaw is right to be torn apart
a tornado building-

no flaw untouched.
the house that supports my head
aches already
i wish the tornado would take that too.

when the words dont come out of my mouth,

is what they see what they get?

i dissociated from myself a long time ago
my conscience is

floating.

hanging
from the rope i tied years ago
the real me wanted to summit to
the knife.

under my unicorn pillow,
not sharp but
cut to ease.

red cut the blue
and lines deepen with my smile
my wrist still stings even though
im clean.

im see through like long sleeves and slit wrists,
but more so like stained glass-
colorful and full of illusion.

clear windows are bland
but atleast theyre reliable.

I know you don’t forget me,
Don’t view my posts nor my moms.
But I did have fun Ashlee,
You helped me grow strong.

Your marriage goes well?
I’d do anything to chat.
Besides picking up my cell,
And calling you back.

Should have went out to lunch,
Two years ago,
But I thought we had much more
Time before you’d go.

Military housing,
Did you get to bring the cat?
Do you remember the kitten?
His small fur pattern hat?

You did my math,
While I did your reading.
Now we need help in those subjects,
Do the soldiers have meetings?

I’ll call you again,
Probably text before I do.
I can’t promise you when,
But I want it to be soon.