Walk into the room
Mind swirling
Hands like ice
Do they like me
Shouldn’t assume
Can’t breathe
Shake in the knees
Crawling in my own skin
Want to speak
Where do I begin
Deep breath
Throat tight
Words don’t come out right
Teeth clenching
Heart wrenching
Tongue tied
Mouth dry
Cover it up
Don’t let it show
Put on a brave face
Hope they don’t know
Relief when the moment has passed
Although surely it won’t be the last

I am afraid of everyone I know.
I did not evolve with any of you.
It’s a party but I’m
a deer in the headlights,
and I'm trying to have fun,
but I am scared of everyone there.
I got very drunk,
and told a friend that
I didn't trust anybody.
Why did I tell him?
Everyone’s out to get me.
Hm, no, that’s not how it feels;
everyone could be out to get me one day,
and every word out of my mouth
is another knife in their arsenal, or my stomach,
because I am a revolting mass of skin and sinew
and everything is something to hold against me.
I think one day I will be
the ****** that will not leave the house.
It’s like the original “Little Mermaid”,
every step on dry land-
every step out of my home-
is another step of agony,
and one day, when I have had enough
of this miserable existence,
I will turn on the stove
and dissolve into the sea.

I guess I should start by saying it's always been a part of me
Although I never really noticed it until it had been pointed out to me
Countless times, that question was repeated:
"Why are you like this?"
"Why are you like this?"

I kept yelling back "I don't know!"
But the message never seemed to go through
Confused and frustrated, I curled up into my shell
I walked alone in my quiet hell

Because that's what they wanted, right?
That's what they expected?
I guess I grew to comply
But inside I felt rejected
I thought they wanted the pain to eat me alive

And now, here I am
Just trying to find myself again
But I fear they'll gossip if I leave my cage
But with that mindset, nothing will change

I will never be saved.

Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Cradling beliefs with no foundation in reality.
Alone in a mind of oil
Staining all who brave my touch

Familiar faces soaked in anxiety
They stare with memories I long to forget

These glossy eyes that fear closing... moving.... shifting.... seeing...
Worlds will fall
Perceptions will alter

These words are caught in my throat
Festering

How do I say hello?
How do I keep the conversation going? Are they staring at me because they know I'm not normal. Can they see my disfigured soul hiding beneath this skin?
This deformed skin....
Do they notice that I am an imposter?
Do they see how I react alien to how they do? How I second guess each expression.

Words fall from my eyes without allowance.
The connection isn't there.

I Stare down
I drown them with every glance.
Words falling.
Flooding.
Making oceans of unspoken phrases.
Needs.
They breathe me in.
All the words I've never spoken.

They drown in my illusions.
And run away like mad men.
To a world I cant seem to be a part of.

Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Oil drowns me, and dilutes my words.
Taking away who I am.
My words are my life.
But I cannot speak them.

No one will ever know.
And I will never tell them.
I am Drowning in illness.
________

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Say something out loud
Speak for others to hear you
But don’t be too quiet

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Speak, speak, speak
My mouth will not move
You’ll have to do it for me

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Stop, stop, stop
I’m too quiet
And I fear
The people in the crowd