i want to leave not because
the world is too much,
but i am.
dancing in the sunshine,
singing in the rain,
smiling as if my life is brilliant.
my outside life if pretty perfect,
but the inside is rusty.
too many cracks and snags,
too many broken pipes, fractured beams
to be useful
anymore.
you wouldn’t use a vase that can’t hold water,
so why use a life that can’t hold joy?

I tried to **** myself last week
But all did was throw up
And give you another medical bill
I made the school work pile up
and my friends mildly worried
gave myself a big bruise
And nearly cried from the emails
Explaining that i couldn't do the math quiz on Friday the 15th
Because i tried to **** myself last week

I was outside in the cold for hours that day
thinking about how to end things
i passed your body
On my way upstairs
Before spreading out my saved pills
And unlocking a knife
Crimson spread along my thigh
And my stomach became upset
My water is now empty
And all that's left on the counter is dust
A little bit of red stains the blade
And i pull up my pants nonchalantly

the singer should have warned us about his out of tune song
it was so undeserving of our live ears
the melody was unpleasant and the tune horrific
how could there be devotees to such bad talent
it just shows you that some ears are deaf...

Brian Hill - 2020 # 241

I’ve never felt like this before.
The blood that the weapon and the battle bore
Has splashed the walls and warped the floor,
But I’ve never felt like this before.

I’ve never breathed like this before.
My chest getting tighter at my heartbeat’s roar
And I’ve felt myself panic on anxiety’s shore,
But I’ve never breathed like this before.

I’ve never hurt like this before.
I’ve been battered and beaten as the barbs would gore
My frail little heart ‘till it beat no more,
But I’ve never hurt like this before.

I’ve never burned like this before.
The witchers with their torches tried to “settle the score”,
And I kept on burning  to the crowd’s “encore!”
But I’ve never burned like this before.

I’ve never been lonely like this before.
I’ve been abandoned, sure; thought that I was done for,
When I reached out to people and they slammed the door,
But I’ve never been lonely like this before.

I’ve never felt like this before.
The walls are closing in and I’m losing the war.
See my broken salute as I fight on, I’m trying!
But my courage is dying
And my smile is lying
All the tears that I’m crying
Are so subtly implying
That I’m NOT OKAY
Someone help me, please!
I don’t want to die alone
But all the sweet words that you give me only pile up on the throne
Of my broken wishes, of my long-gone home,
And at the end of the day, you won’t know how hard I tried,
But the world would still be better off if I-

’ve never felt like this before.

surprisingly enough,
steak knives aren't any good for cutting flesh,
ceiling fans don't hold as much weight as you'd think they would,
your family isn't as understanding as they say they are,
because no one can understand you, not even yourself.

and no matter how many times they say they won't forget,
won't forfeit the game of remembrance,
you know they will, and they'll be glad once they have.

Because you don't need a stain like me on the artwork that is your life. scrub me off quickly before the memories get dry and you get used to them.

Because I know from experience that only one soul will remember a suicide by the next year.

Because I know from experience you don't have to be dead and gone to be dead and gone.

I have already been forgotten by most, but then again,

I don't want to be remembered.

Tu es mon meilleur ami
Je suis très désolée
Mais je ne sais pas pourquoi tu aime moi
Peut être tu es soif pour quelque chose nouvelle
Peut être il est vrai, ton sentiments
Ton mots

Je m'en fiche du passé
Je sais que tu t'en fiche l'un ou l'autre
Mais je suis malade avec mes décisions

Pourquoi je suis le criminel
Pourquoi je suis coupable
Je ne devrais pas existe

Tu es très spectaculaire, génial, magnifique
Mais je ne peux pas continuer avec toi
Avec nous
Avec la planète
La terre n'est plus ma maison
Je n'appartiens pas ici

Je suis désolée
Très très très désolée
Mais il doit être fini

Au revoir mon meilleur ami
Mi amour
Mon amour pour toujours
Au revoir lune brilliant
Et toute ta beauté
Je aller me manquer ton façade

Je reviendrai
Pas bientôt
Mais éventuellement
Quand tu ne m'aimes pas plus
Et je peux être libre de moi

Mais rappelles toi
Je t'aime toujours
D'une autre façon

En amitiée,
Ton copine

i am
just another stain
another ****** stain
on a shirt
on a bandage
dripping onto the floor
because no one caught it in time
another stain to wipe away

i am
just another mark
another ****** mark
on my bed
on my hands
dripping onto the floor
because it hurts to open my mouth
another mark that just won't scrub out

i am
just another cut
another ****** cut
on my arms
on my legs
dripping onto the floor
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing
another cut that won't heal right