It amazes me
that my grief for another
has been stronger
than that for my husband.

How can that be?
A fleeting love meaning more
than a marriage,
than a life together.

I realise that I already
grieved desperately, alone,
lost, confused
within the marriage.

In the dark of a still December evening,
I sit staring out of my window,
At all the other windows,
Staring back at me.

A thousand different lives as seen through a lit window,
Snapshots of alternate universes,
Confined by lace curtains,
And lit with fluorescent suns.

In the dark of a still December evening,
We're all just lights behind a window,
Indifferent to the other worlds,
Coexisting across the way.

The bright moon shining as we lay,
You in my arms, it's been the perfect day.
Pin drop silence everywhere
We are together, I am here.

I open my eyes and you've vanished,
Calling your name, I am panicked.
I can still feel you, my dear
We are not together, I am here.

The advice was
'Support him,
try to help him.
He needs sleep when he’s tired
(even if it’s all day).'
'Try to talk to him,
he’s hurting inside.
Help him,
he needs you.'

I believed that,
and I tried.
I tried until
I felt almost gone
My words disappeared!
A glass pane formed
between myself and the world.

I didn't know
I could go too far.
Give too much support.
No-one says that,
who would have thought?

I didn’t know
support can become a crutch.
He could settle,
no need to improve.
Who would have thought?

Depression is real.
It just doesn’t mean
that you are first always,
or that you don't need to try
or talk to your spouse.
That was just -
taking advantage.

When he left me
his soul was gone for me
and his body was still there.
His anger was new
his distance was new
and his lack of touch too
I was so confused.
I was pregnant, then a mum.
Untouched, the silence dumb.
Bereaved, intense loss
Husband won't touch me
there's only frost.
How do I even speak of this?
he's doing the chores
but there's such an abyss.
Two years more
and I realise
depression brought
this demise.
Fool, it took me too long
to understand what was wrong
but this knowledge never did
bring back his song.
He remained, gone.

And the dawn is bleak as you take your time,
flowers bleed heaven and your love is mine.
The Gods turn their backs, they're unappetized.
But my baby sparks fire, and sips from my wine.

Would you as well,
Take shape of their youthful mistakes?
The rolling of thunder,
As our crescent moon breaks?

Trace hill tops for a purpose
Scan histories for my name,
You stammer through apologizes,
Will I alone remain?

your burden to bury
in a casket of gray.
your heart is wary
since that autumn day.

your vow was spoken
under silver moon.
your promise, broken
unexpectedly, too soon.

your farewell has come
before a given chance.
til death do us part.
you may have the first dance.

-- r.s.

Will me now to leap the narrow valley
Between these moments apart
Though if you commanded my collapse
I'd treasure my last sight of you