Anxiety rests heavy hands on my head
Molding my perception
With it's unrelenting pressure
I am left to wonder
Why I so acutely suffer
Do I deserve this?
For living in cognitive dissonance?

As I am in that state of sleepy in-between-ness late at night,
I always reflect on the day’s shortcomings and negativity
whether or not I fight off those default thoughts to find light.

My mind wanders through all the events and interactions
that seem to be tainted with heavy blue;
every day carries a shadow that I that I try to get rid of
because that darkness is something I don’t want to live through.

The monster that some people have named 'anxiety'
clutches around my lungs and heart.
It chokes me, shakes me, screams with hate:
"What the hell is wrong with you!?”
It’s a disease with the goal to tear me apart.

My wish is to rip these blue lenses from my eyes
to clearly see this life for what it really is:
a miracle, a gift, a priceless thing to be treasured -
but these blue lenses have been a part of me for months
And with them, the world is a familiar sight.

But it is not in my disposition to love or appreciate
anything that is associated with myself.
And thus I find myself stuck in this viciousness
of half-conscious loathing and self-deprecation.

If I asked you to close your eyes and picture everyone you loved, how long would it take for you to spot yourself?

I've not been able to find myself yet.

There is not a day, I don't wish to be seen
As a woman straight out of a dream.

Time once again for the mind’s late night talk show, and what better a time then under the moon’s late night chalk glow!
The time for the mind to run rampant with fear, depression, paranoia, sorrow, ailing feelings coupled with thoughts quite unclear
Run away little boy, from the shadow of a man, from the shadow of your desires, run away if you can
Hide under the blanket, the pillow, or a smile. No comforts can save you from yourself, a toxic dream factory most vile
Lose yourself in the light of your distracting mundane phone, it won’t stop the nightmares that plague you when alone
Toss and turn as the poison seeps and your heart weeps, the discomfort is delightful as you squirm while the fog creeps
Shrouded in the mist, paralyzed at the legs and tied down at the wrists, the romantic interlocking marks that a weak mind and horror kissed
May your terrors come to life, and your heart fear the worst. May you flinch at every strife as your soul is now cursed.
Once again the boogeyman comes to toy with your mettle, your courage being whittled down petal by petal
When he gets to the stem, he shakes you at your core, instilling the mayhem until you can take no more
Before you cried at the world because to the world you were small, now you are enveloped by dark where you are nothing at all
Insignificant to the empty void of black, an abyss with no break, chip, or crack
But why are you bent on the judgment of vacancy, why should nothing make you ashamed of complacency
Why have you given up on challenging your fear, why would you rather be anywhere but here
The nightmare isn’t the bloodied visages of the ghosts and the ghouls, nor is it the paranoia invading the minds of madness stricken fools
Single out all the devil’s playthings and the mind’s erroneous states, add in the bad luck which binds all of our fates
May I face all those dreadful barbarities in a convenient sum, for the weight of their abhorrence would fare better than living in the shadow of who I could become

Seas that have earned their sparkle from the sun, at its picturesque potential
perhaps something you know as your eyes
and a heavy overflowing jug of intelligence, wit, charm and understanding pours out at a waterslide's rate within your mouth
spikes of subtle sexiness
grow in your cheeks
topped with a tidal haircut
just so I can appreciate the rest
is what keeps me distracted
in the most interesting of classes
and gossip filled television shows
perhaps even xanax wouldn't be enough
I am yet to find the worst quality in me to cancel out the best in you.

zh (26/09/17)

Every time I wake up, I open my eyes.
I scan my room seeing it fills with my stuff;
my guitars, my desk, my mirror, my books...my pain..

Locked door, shut windows, absence of lights.

As I scan through this sad dark room with trapped air from
days ago gasping for freshness while I was fine with
carbon monoxide filling my room every single day.

I feel safe when I'm in my room.
I feel safer when I lock the door to my room.
And I feel even more safer when I turn off the ******* lights of my room.

I'm not alone.. No. I have people. People in my room.
They are shadows and darkness and they try to be my friends.
I rejected them. I rejected them since the first time I met them.
But when things are falling and my ground is shaky,
They come scrambling for me and tell me this is the time when they come in handy.

I hate myself. I punish myself.
I punish myself because I let them in.
I let them control me.

My room is like a dead party.
When I leave,
my room literally becomes empty.
When I storm back in,
They were waiting, stretching their ugly, rotten, dark, arms
to grab me and my poor ******* soul.
******* on my energy, my happiness, my only source of joy
out from my mind, my body and my soul making me feel
so ******* tired.

And when I am tired,
I lie.
I lie on my bed
Feeling half dead
as I bury my face on my pillow, sad.
I try to sleep..

But I can't. I can't ******* sleep not even a minute.
Not even a second. Not even when my brain begs for a little rest.
I am so sorry brain but I don't know how to make it stop.

And I wonder and keep on wondering,
My room needs help.. or maybe I need help?