The future has razor-sharp
edges, swiftly cutting
bright red wet and ugly scars.
The past is a blunt knife,
dull and rusty
and I'm being stabbed
and stabbed
and stabbed.
I am stuck in the
present down on my knees
swimming in blood and saliva
with dry tears streaming
down my face
unable to catch a breath
choking on misery
nails dug deep into
my skin
and I am screaming
but no one can hear
and I want to rip
my trachea out and chop
my lungs and eat my heart out
and pull out all
those miles of intestines;
I want to flay my skin
and lay it out for you to
see my scars.
I'm a grotesque of
days long gone
of days that reign
of days that soon will be.
I am the monster you created,
you Dr. Frankensteins,
I am your masterpiece,
I am what you made me
but you won't leave me be.

I know it's called "the present",
but God help me, it's simply not a gift.

i've always wondered why she couldn't see what i see
everyone talks of her impeccable beauty

yet she stares in the mirror for minutes upon hours
and looks at her reflection with disgust as she steps out of the shower

i dont understand, someone please explain
how someone so beautiful can carry so much pain

a person who is seemingly perfect in every way
feels so worthless every hour in every day

and i hope you will one day love yourself
and i hope you will stop placing yourself on the lowest shelf

i hope one day you will look at your reflection and say
"I like who I am in every single way"

There will always be someone else

someone better
someone thinner
someone smarter
someone prettier
someone taller
someone cuter
someone perfect

so at the end of the day I wonder why I have the audacity to think I'll ever be someone if there will always be someone else.

Sorry Mommy, I'm not the better daughter
I'm sorry, Daddy, I wasn't what you wanted
I'm sorry I'm not good enough yet
I'm sorry I for everything I never said
I'm sorry I'm a overweight, I'll fix it I swear
I'm sorry I'm cutting, but I need it to keep me sane
I'm sorry I smoke, but it's my replacement for air
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm crying
I'm sorry
There's no point to this
I've already ruined everything
I'm so, so, so sorry
Sorry.
Sorry.
I know it doesn't help.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I can't make up for what I've done.
But I am sorry.
I'm sorry I was born
I know you didn't expect me
I'm sorry I wasn't born a boy
I'm sorry I acted to much like you
I'm sorry I made you hate me
I'm sorry I'm annoying
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
Whatever you don't like about me
I'm sorry it's there
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I cry so much
I'm sorry I'm not pretty
I'm sorry I left
I'm sorry
Sorry.


I'm so sorry
I don't know what else to apologize for
I'm sorry you have to spend money on me
I'm sorry I don't know what to be sorry for
I'm sorry I said I hated you
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not useful yet
I'm sorry I don't make all A's
I'm sorry I don't get math
I'm sorry I don't like science
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry you don't love me.
I'm sorry I want you to.
I'm sorry
I'm so very sorry
I'm sorry I don't call you Mommy anymore
I'm sorry I don't call you Daddy anymore
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you have to be my parents
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I know it's not enough

Sorry.

And all at once I disappeared,
I knew it'd happen soon,
You feel empty for a while,
Until eventually you turn to nothing.
I've been nothing for a long time,
So the feeling never surprised me,
I just hoped I get to say goodbye first,
Maybe I can save it for another day.

And all at once I disappeared,
I don't mind as much as I expected,
I've been feeling like a ghost a while now,
It was only a matter of time.

And all at once I disappeared,
I hope I won't return.

Today my feet did not want to touch the ground
My face did not want to break away from my pillow,
My body did not want to move from its embrace with the mattress.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for the floor either.

Today I want to sleep for a very long time,
I don't want to have to wake up until I'm really not tired,
I don't want to have to face another day of fatigue.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for being awake either.

Today I don't want to eat anything,
I don't want to drink,
I don't want to have to wake up my digestive system.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my stomach either.

Today I'm not feeling up to changing,
I don't want to wear my outdoor clothes,
I don't want to tie my shoe laces.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my wardrobe either.

Today I want to be depressed,
I want to lie in bed and wallow,
I want to feel sorry for myself because I am not important.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for feeling good either.

Today I don't want to be me,
I don't want to ever be me again,
I won't want to have to look in the mirror.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my reflection either.

I can’t be the girl
that’s got it all together
managing all that life throws at her
and still keeping a smile on her face
I’m the girl with a panic attack around every corner
who manages to turn a small task
into a mental breakdown

I can’t be the girl
who’s happy just to be on this earth
smiling at your sweet words
even on the worst of days
I’m the girl that wakes up most days
wishing she never existed
because that would be better
than living as a complete failure

I can’t be the girl
who believes you when you say
“i love you”
accepting your compliments
and knowing she is beautiful
I’m the girl that sees every part of herself as a flaw
and can’t understand how you could love
someone completely worthless

I can’t be that girl.
I'm just me.