i dreamed i saw the hand of God
carefully plotting out the life i never thought
was either fate or destiny
i'm not quite sure, but is that the word 'Hell' i see?

we'll pray meaninglessly
for things we'll never find
and try desperately
to understand God's mind

i'll praise the Father, Spirit, Lamb
for saving my soul, though it's destined to be ******
that man won't fight to light his days
because he heard that he's heaven-bound anyway

there was a
      lantern
              perched in
                  my hand
                      and i was
      too afraid to
                           light it
                    yet the horrors
    in the road
        wasn't what
                terrified me,
            it was the destination ahead.
                        the light i held
              sought the
  road to
       illuminate
                 and yet
                       i just know
             it wasn't
                   the road
       i was taking
                nor could it be
          the roads
                     i will be passing...
                                it will be the road
              i take when
                            i finally decide
                                                to take a u-turn.    
with one foot down and a weary knee
                      thinking about
        every afternoon
             going to the 'right' garage
                      after strolling in the
                   wrong neighborhood
                             staring blankly
                                  at all the cities
              all the towns
all the villages
     all the blocks  
          all the intersections
               all the streets
                         in all garages
        that could've possibly been 'right'
                   and one that could've
              possibly been home
    possibly been hope
                         i park at the house.
          all i see is a
                one
             way
                  street
               stretching
                         forever
                             in front   
                               of me...
                               and the ride back home
                      so far away------
                                               finally
                                                   i
                                              found
                                                the
                                            reason
                                             to
                                       light
                                    up
                    the
way.

Can you belive it?

Belive me when I say
I used to trust myself
In any way
This silver cord is shorter
Now I've all but lost my health

Poor forked forced set of mental blind
Heady terminal path soon to be mine
Grimy iron taste so sublime
Salt water spilling into overtime

(*****)

I hated that
Complete tripe
*******, ******* subjective

Yeah, I AM glad you died
Like, in a present for my future
It's all mine, you...

It is all mine.

Low end rent roach
Bring around the stage coach
Pick myself a lane

*******

Consumer Of Existence

Even if it’s all predestined
It’s you who choose.
So go, so do.
It does what it does
Despite your choices;
So many factors out and in you.

Even if it’s all predestined
You don’t know a thing,
So go, so do,
And carry on as usual.
You win, you lose,
You pay your dues,
Thinking that you have control
Though you have none at all.

A panorama of existence,
You consumer and disarmed.
They call it karma.

Consumer Of Existence 12.14.2016
Circling Round Reality;
Arlene Corwin

You've been vetted,
But I wouldn't
Bet on it,
The election is years away.
So, pound the pavement,
Rally supporters,
You'll need a prayer and a wish
Day by day.

A worst-case-scenario mentality
Breeds emotional nightmares of what-ifs
Methodically feeling the pain in each possibility
Preparing for Hell, knowing it is impractical, improbable, and unkind
Each reaction gauged
Smiles erupt in each better choice
A familiar road traveled often
Lead only by a history of pain
It ebbs and flows, bobs and weaves at will
This reality is organized, easy to understand

Random thought of an unlikely, unfathomable future
Vivid like a film
Unwavering, persistent
There is no controlling its outcome
Forced to watch the images forged in a broken mind
Tears burn flesh and a naked heart bleeds
Stop rolling, just...stop
No amount of pleading slows the images
The pain is overwhelming
Far beyond self-inflicted, torturous, methodical thoughts
Uncontrollable, inconsolable
True and real
So very real

There is but one way to stop that future
The one shown in visions of just deserts
The future that smolders through present joy
Preemptive pain is just not an option

I've seen the future my heart has built
The shards of a shattered soul
Offer no comfort

My worst-case-scenario was but a benign freckle on the elbow of a body invaded by metastatic melanoma

They say that when you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes in only a matter of seconds.

If that is true,
what if this is just our lives flashing before us?
What if we are just seeing this all happen again... as a memory?

Puritans believe in predestination...
I believe they know that happens and just think they are part of the flashback.

If that is true, can someone tell me why and/or how I am dying right now?

I don't want to die.
I know I have said it, thousands of times, that I'd rather die or be dead, but that isn't true.
I have said I want to **** myself before too.
To tell you the truth, I don't have the ***** to do it.
I can't **** myself.
I have had a knife in my hand trying to stab myself, but I got scared and put it away.

I found a gun once too... held it up to my head... put my finger on the trigger... dropped it.

I tried hanging myself too... that also ended in me not following through.

I can't do it... I won't do it.