we took turns toking,
holding the tent pole up
while the rain battered
the canvas

dawn crawled
over the great rocks;
a synovial silence
after the storm

still ******
we finally succumbed  
to sleep, for an eternal
minute  

until awakened by Huns
on horses, hoof beats ricocheting  
off the hard stones, echoing
in the canyons

worse than that thunder,
the eerie emanations riding
the backs of the staccato waves
from the beasts’ shod feet    

words flung from the riders’ tongues
slapping our ears, bedeviling our weary wits,
these time traveling tricksters, transporting    
us to a world at war

Hueco Tanks, Texas, July, 1969

My fear is endless,
No place is safe.
Technology and supreme warfare is safety
But too much safety is dangerous
Everything is threatened at every single second
I feel it
I feel the tension
I feel the rubber band stretching thin
Don't break, please, don't break
I walk down the sidewalk of a campus that should be be safe but I feel endangered and exposed and I know that
Anyone could be watching
Anyone could be waiting
Anything could be looming about to pounce and tear serenity to pieces

I just want to feel safe again, not like even the tiniest move could **** me.

All whispers, light and evil,
Derogatory, slaying the soul.
This is daylight -
This is night, the stars join in,
badgering the shying moon;
I wish I was the burning Sun
crying my bleach over fields and trees.
I can't surrender just yet -
But my weakness bleeds
through gulping swallows and choked up laughs
falling on petals, sliding away with the breeze.
I have no light or tunnel to spot it through;
And wouldn't know how to anyway.

Why do I sometimes feel so lost
When even at my kitchen table I no longer recognise the walls decorated in history.
Sometimes I curse the music that ricochets from amp to ear  
For it cannot drown out the sound of my own head
As we sit in an internal silent battle
The voice stirs its last cackle
Its witches brew of smouldering self doubt

When did I start to put so much pressure on myself?
Was it before or after I lost all confidence.
Am I the reason for my own demise
Or the only one who sees me for who I am
Why are some days different
Why.

We don't talk much anymore;
It's like a rift grew between us
Not overly large, but significant
Enough to make me feel cautious
About trying to bridge the gap.

Last time, you were angry with me
For trying to speak to you after so long
And I guess you made me nervous;
Every time I try to lay a brick,
I fall off the foundations of a bridge
Too weak to support all this anxiety

But how was I supposed to talk to you again
Without starting up a conversation?

That's why we're here, now―or maybe
It's all in my head. Who knows?
I don't know; I just feel it, this abyss
You're on the other side and I'm torn
Between looking to you and looking down

So maybe we're still best friends
Or maybe you think I'm a total ****
And honestly, I really was just busy
And sometimes just too depressed
And sometimes just too exhausted
But it's not like you made an effort either

I know we're still friends;
Maybe I'm projecting, maybe I'm paranoid
But I feel like you're angry with me
Or disappointed―not sure which'd be worse.

I still love you even if now you only like me.
Tell me I'm wrong; tell me I'm an idiot
Tell me we're as tight as we were two months ago
Or is it three now? You know I'm **** with time

Tell me I'm wrong.
It'll be the first time in my life where admitting it would be beautiful.

Jealousy is a beast eating at us all -
No amount of preparation, warning, level headedness
Can ready the mind for the heart's selfish paranoia

A feeling that can make a happy woman turn bitter
And a proud man resort to petty games of children

What's a sweet, young girl to do?
When the beast of nightmarish imagination
Takes a bite out of her once practical mind

She can put up a fight
Though it may not be worth it
Or let the monster take hold
Get on her knees, smile and take it

Imagine them together, jealousy says
Images beyond the power of repression
Images she's created herself in the back corner
Of her filthy, shameful mind.

Imagine what they did.

Red flags are waving
Red eyes are staring
Behind sheer curtains
When I exit the door, dreaming.
Radiating,
All around me
Scorching my skin.
It's hard to think clearly
When the storm begins.
Scabbed wings and itchy spine
I was flying, but now my teeth are starting to grind.
A familiar sequence
Clings to the back of my head
It's hard to breathe clearly
When paranoia befriends,
A real visualization
With no dead end.