My mind wanders
In these still hours of the night
To the dark corners of fear
Past memories of pain, past love
Wishing for rain to fall and break the silence
It’s loud inside my head
I know at times I’m difficult
My anxiety will fill me with delusions
I know you care for me in ways
Ways you don’t dare speak of
Because then it would be real
And when it’s real then it will end
You say things like it is good until it’s not
But I wonder if I am good to you
I know our lives have different paths
Now they are similar but they can change
It will be different and you may be gone
I try to remind myself that now is what matters
And then the tears come
Because I don’t know if it does matter
Nothing matters
We all end up as dust in the end
Somehow I can’t help but wish for us
To last till we are dust of the past
And that maybe our memories can dance
In the rain
When we are gone and all we are is dust
And feel no pain

Insecure
Unable to rationalize
Feeling like every word
You say is half truth and some lies
Sigh
And I have to let it go
Nothing matters to you
So why do I care
I try not to
Nor do I dare
Say how I feel
Anymore
Nothing matters
Just trying not to fall again
But I keep tripping
Falling
Picking myself back up
Reminding myself not to care
But then you’re there...
and I, I just can’t help myself
To fall for you against my better judgement
And then the insecurities
All the lies I tell myself
Keep knocking me down
Dragging me around
But I do it for you, because you add to my happy
Why am I sad?
You’ll probably be mad when you find
What goes on in my mind
But it’s ok, because it doesn’t matter
Nothing does
Yet here I am writing words

it rains outside, the grey sky provides
a comfort here at home, the linen wraps around
my skin. i find solace in this melancholy
the tiredness controls every move i make

the rats are asleep in their cage
the warmth my body feels whenever we text
a conversation to last an eternity
and the distance feels like nothing

It seems like today
I have little to say
Nothing amusing or clever

No biting retort
Nor subtle bon mot
Or an idea to use as a lever

To open the crypt
Of my bottom lip
A relevant thought to deliver

The very concept
Makes me feel quite inept
Yet also sets me aquiver

No funny remark
Providing a spark
Which bursts into creative flame

So while others may hark
From lives shallow and stark
Remember that this is no game.

I can no longer convince you to be captivated
by late nights filled with nothing
I can not ****** you with my smooth talk
filled with songs of strange sweet something
I can no longer wheedle you with words
that entice you to want to stay
I can not tantalize you with temptation
so I must find somewhere else to play.

How does it feel?
When the song you hear,
Paints all the words you can't say.
What does it mean?
When your heart's all broken,
But the world keeps shoving you down.
Why does it hurt?
When I'm used to this,
And that I can't cry anymore.