mvp arena
s pearl st
albany, ny
8/30/22

(to summarize how
we got to this point

i was in the
darkest year of my life
and in my pragmatism
self-inconsideration
i gave myself
an out

the only way i could
survive was to
tell myself it was
going to be over soon)

i’m screaming
the words into
currents
of noise

i should be
happy
still hearing the ringing
in my ears and
seeing flashing lights
in my eyes

(9/25/16
was the day
it was going
to end for me

concurrently
i discovered
a genre designed
for kids like me

spent hours
in full blown panic
not at the disco but
twitching on the floor
trying to drown it out
with fall out boy
nights that didn’t end until
dawn picking apart
twenty one pilots theories
in razor free showers

and then
my chemical romance
was back from the dead
10th anniversary album with
new tracks
coming 9/23/16)

things have changed
i’ve changed
and yet still
traumatically
dramatically
the same

”what’s the worst that i could say?
things are better if i stay?
so long and good night
so long and good night”

(and i realized
there was something
out there to
look forward to

maybe
just maybe
i make it through
just for now)

”we’ll carry on
we’ll carry on”

i did
and i made it
all the way to here
found a way to
scrape myself through
every lonely night

but in that
moment the
crushing weight
of my own
insignificance
caught up to me

i should have been
happy
to have made it
to here

but the only thought
in my mind
was that
if i hadn't
made it to here
this moment
in this sea of
misfits and margins
in this sweaty stadium
four hours from home

if i hadn't
carried on
nobody
would
have
noticed
my absence

i'm reduced to
a face in the crowd
twenty dollar bills
in a merch line
a scream in a stranger's
snapchat story

and the world doesn't
need me
one more person
to add to the chaos

i should have cried
happy tears
but instead
i began to regret
what makes me
strong
what got me
to this point

would it be better
if i had ended it?
would it be easier?
does it even matter
either way?
because i'm
beginning to think
it really doesn't

and i know
i made it this far
i have his hand
around my back
and don't cry
alone at night anymore

but in the cosmic
scheme of significance
(which i want there
to be and i want
to be in)
i just don't
think
i don't
know
if it matters enough

what's the worst that i could say?
are things better if i stay?

"so shut your eyes
kiss me goodbye
and sleep
just sleep
the hardest part
is letting go of your dreams"

Wishing that I wasn't Patient 139

The one screaming the lyrics to I'm Not Okay

Sometimes hopes that someone understands me

Relating to Tess Stevens and her song Tourist

Crying to Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

Wondering if anyone has the time to listen to me whine

Trying to not do what Pete Wentz almost did in Hum Hallelujah

Thinking I'd just like to be only me and not also someone else every day

Asking myself why music is my novacane

Just wanting to know why most people don't care about me anymore

It's like every time I listen to music or watch YouTube I feel numb and I have gotten used to it

When it comes to my mental age I feel like the Clock Forgot It's Hands

In the end I'm the one who walks a lonely road the only one I have ever known

teenagers - My Chemical Romance

They're gonna clean up your looks
With all the lies in the books
To make a citizen out of you
Because they sleep with a gun
And keep an eye on you, son
So they can watch all the things you do
Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
'Cause they got methods of keepin' you clean
They gonna rip up your heads
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the ****** machine
They said all
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
The boys and girls in the clique
The awful names that they stick
You're never gonna fit in much, kid
But if you're troubled and hurt
What you got under your shirt
Will make them pay for the things that they did
They said all
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
Oh yeah
They said all
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
All together now
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me

I don't love you - MCR

Well, when you go
So never think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way
When after all this time that you still owe
You're still a good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Baby, get out while you can
When you go
And would you even turn to say
I don't love you like I did yesterday
Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay
And after all the blood that you still owe
Another time was just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Baby, get up while you can
When you go
And would you even turn to say
I don't love you like I did yesterday
Well, come on, come on
When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday"
I don't love you like I loved you yesterday
I don't love you like I loved you yesterday

They're gonna clean up your looks
With all the lies in the books
To make a citizen out of you
Because they sleep with a gun
And keep an eye on you, son
So they can watch all the things you do
Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
'Cause they got methods of keepin' you clean
They gonna rip up your heads
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the ****** machine
They said all
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
The boys and girls in the clique
The awful names that they stick
You're never gonna fit in much, kid
But if you're troubled and hurt
What you got under your shirt
Will make them pay for the things that they did
They said all
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
Oh yeah
They said all
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
All together now
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
Teenagers scare
The living **** out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me

Well they encourage your complete cooperation
Send you roses when they think you need to smile
I can't control myself because I don't know how,
And they love me for it honestly, I'll be here for a while
So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff
Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough
So give them blood, blood, blood
Grab a glass because there's going to be a flood
A celebrated man amongst the gurneys
They can fix me proper with a bit of luck
The doctors and the nurses they adore me so,
But it's really quite alarming cause I'm such an awful **** (oh thank you)
I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff,
I gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough
I gave you blood, blood, blood,
I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love

"Did you get what you deserve?
The ending of your life..."

our relationship was
filled with toxic chemicals
that
       s l o w l y but
                    s u r e l y
crept into
my body
          my head
                    my heart
the way your love
    did
         not

To you I am grateful
Unwavering and graceful
You have been my support
You alone hold my heart
By my side and never gone
Through all I have said and done
Unequalled in idolatry
My rapture, nirvana, and ecstasy
“You’re not in this alone”
You blare through headphones
“Follow your bliss”
The one I never have to miss
“Burns a hole through everyone
Who feels it” never alone
O Music
I thank you