a feeling of numbness

suffering from a disease

too invisible for the eyes to see

a parasitic disease

in which its host

is unable to escape

the confines of this mind

no matter how hard they try

a precious body with a functioning heart and brain

but unable to use them to your gain

a body that never experiences happiness

an abnormal brain given by a God

who apparently conducts experiments on his children

a lingering heaviness in my mind

impossible to be removed

urges that I don't want

every day, hour, minute, second

always in a battle with your own mind

nobody there for you to confide

in


for i just want to be normal.

they can steal your mind
if you're not doing anything with it
make the thoughts inside your head
voices we all deny we can hear

Storms raging in my stomach
Tidal waves in my mind
Drowning in my sorrows
Will I ever survive?
I'm gasping for air with the winds ragin' 'round. Nothing makes sense because I can't hear a sound.
All I want is silence. All I want is peace.
I want all this to end, to escape my mind to make the noises cease.
Please Lord make this stop, make it hard for my thoughts to find me
......

Here I am sitting on my bedroom floor with a razor in my hand wondering if 155 days sober is enough to deter me from cutting again.

I have been so proud of myself for all of those days,
even when I was at one week and I didn’t think it was enough,
and even when I wanted to hurt myself so bad that I thought I might throw up.

I don’t want those days to have been for nothing,
but I can’t help but think of that time last summer when I was in a constant state of anxiety for 7 days straight during which I tried every trick to calm myself down,
and nothing worked, so I resorted to self harm.

Now my stress and anxiety have been building up for about a month,
and I am so exhausted that I actually did throw up,
and I can’t get up in the morning because I am so paralyzed by all my thoughts,
and I start thinking to myself
“What could be so bad about one little cut?”

𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹, 𝗜 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝘂𝗰𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱.
𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘨𝘰 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 uʍop 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦.
𝘓𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 VØłĐ, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘪𝘮𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘬𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥.
𝘛𝘩𝘦 ₴₮₳₮ł₵ 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬,
🆆🆁🅰🆃🅷🅵🆄🅻 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘺.
𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦, 𝘢 𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬-
𝘋𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘴.
𝘈𝘴 𝘐 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘺.
𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘺𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘴,
𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴.
𝘈𝘴 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘐 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘴𝘦.
𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘴- 𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦.

𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 h͎e͎a͎r͎t͎ -𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘵 - 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 s͓̽h͓̽i͓̽n͓̽y͓̽ 𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴
𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘺, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘺 f̷a̷n̷t̷a̷s̷y̷ 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘯, 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯.
𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘶𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘢 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘴𝘦.
𝘞𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘵  𝕕 𝕚 𝕤 𝕒 𝕡 𝕡 𝕖 𝕒 𝕣, 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯.


6/28/2022 - Mandii Morbid ©

Others judge me for being lazy when they cannot see the invisible walls created by my anxiety
I do not choose to panic every time I leave the solitude of my own room
I do not choose to shut down every time I make even the smallest mistake
I do not choose to put off taking care of my basic necessities until after the last second just so I can avoid talking to people
There are not enough words in the world to describe how much I wish I could leave the prison that my anxiety has created around me, but I seemed to have lost the key