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In a few months, I would become a mother
myself. Drove to her home, eager to spend
the day with my own mother. Tried to ignore
the deepening crevices in her face, arthritic

knuckles that still pounded dough to make
dumplings for others. Late afternoon, we perched
upon her kitchen stools, sipped chrysanthemum tea.
Her voice was quiet as she recalled leaving her dear mother

decades ago, toddler on hip, for a new life overseas. An unspoken goodbye that shimmered like silk between them. Sorrow distorted her face, the words strangled in her throat: Lao Lao, your grandma, had shuffled from room to room, stunned into silence, the roar of this impending

distance already drowning out my pleas for her to somehow understand. I was leaving her, perhaps forever. Her fingers had trembled as she gifted me a parcel containing two homemade qipao dresses and three tiny outfits for you –
a toddler who would grow up without ever knowing her grandma.

I watched my mom as she sat in her kitchen, shoulders slumped.
I could see how this loss broke something in her.  Still, I made
no move to embrace her. Apathy bloomed in my folded arms
and shifty eyes, a feeble attempt to shield myself

from her palpable pain. Didn’t realize that I would be steeped in it
a mere few months later. Didn’t quite know then how to measure the distance between these wounded souls spinning out, unsure
of which direction was ‘home’ and unable to turn back.

In this tale of three mothers, I now see the steadfast thread
of Your handiwork stitching together burdened hearts
spanning seas, lands, the spaces between. It was Your grace
that carried us — and only with You, did we each learn surrender.
I waited alone in the sterile room
for the surgery, too stunned to even

consider the word ‘goodbye’. Instead, my legs
shivered against the stirrups, as I prayed

hard for a miracle, for a giant "aha!
Just kidding!" moment from the expanding

universe that would never be large
enough to hold space for you. Pity

I received from the ones closest to me,
words murmured to soothe. Yes, I was

grateful — still, in the cloying silence
that crept in months later, I realized:

I alone was left to somehow trudge through
the thick muck of this loss. They expected me

to swim and rise above, and I did, all the while
hoping the currents would pull me under. How

could anyone else truly know what it's like
when your very own body becomes a thief

who turns         hateful           against you,
prolific cells with cold fury driving your demise

to ****** up the very thing
you wanted more than life itself?
Thanu 3d
Grief isn’t always loud.

Sometimes it sits beside you
like an old friend
who doesn’t need to talk
to be heard.

Sometimes,
grief is not about what happened.
It’s about what didn’t.

The goodbye you never said.
The hug you never got.
The feeling of walking into a room
and being known
without having to explain a thing.

You carry it
in the way you walk,
in the way your playlist has changed,
in the way you write poems
because there’s nowhere else
to put the ache.

But even this—
this quiet grief—
is a form of love.
A way of saying
“That life mattered.
That version of me still exists.
I remember.”

And remembering
is brave.
moving away against my own will... life is sour sometimes ^^
Red 4d
The first & last words I spoke to you were identical.
Regurgitation of primal instinct
Unwillingly born to my breath.

‘I love you’

I smiled with delayed recognition,

My pitifully soft instincts disembowelling mundane exchange,

‘I’m sorry’

I corrected with sick, pulsing insides. Face falling with vulnerable realisation.

Pathetic, prophetic irony.
You didn’t reciprocate at the beginning nor the end,
Yet I still dream of your mirage off in the distance, that mirror you wore in-between.

I see now,
With skin burning and eyes bleeding,
It always going to end this way.
Pity me the hopeful fool,

Crawling for water in the desert.
Oh, how could I let myself get so attached to a person whom has left my life entirely. Even though he is gone, I still search my window sill for any signs of him.
It is always the same disappointment.
None.
Sigh, I know it ***** I just posted it because I have free will
My screen lights up
Happy birthday
From some unknown friend

The impersonal well wishing from strangers
Has come around again

And then there’s you
Wishing love and success
That my dreams for the year come true

Unfortunately all my dreams
Come down and back to you

There’s some break in reality
Between the well wishing of dreams
And the truth that they were broken
All by the one and the same.
I can’t tell you how much I miss her
or I might begin to cry
it may just be the idea of her
and my memory is a lie
either way, there is a deep-rooted longing
the need for companionship and belonging
someone to share my love and passion
feel free to call me old fashioned
but I miss her whoever she was or could be
her that fulfilled all my needs
where have you gone the love of my life
I know the answer I know that you died
tell me how I fill that void
that hole where a heart once sat
now those feelings I try to avoid
now I only deal in facts
the fact is I talk to strangers
about everything but love
how can I tell them how much I crave her
about what really is and was
now I use my body to numb the pain
so many strangers
so many forgotten names
I can’t name her
or remember her voice
I can’t even say she loved me back
or that she really had a choice
so please please cut me some slack
if I step out of line
and if I look a little down
please ask again if I say I’m fine.
This is a deeply personal poem that's been sitting in my drafts since 2019 as I could not bring myself to post it, why now? Maybe its time.
Flickering stars of summer nights
Green grass fields bind them to earth.
Fly and join the immensity of stars in the sky
Burn as bright as those far off relatives.

I kept a star captive in a jar next to my heart
For months my steady companion.
Me the admirer and also the jailer
Licuriciul se sufocă, fără să știu

To see you go burns a hole in my heart
Yet watching your light fulfilled is peace.
I’ll be right here on or under the earth
Longing to see my firefly flicker next to me.
Excuse the possibly poor Romanian. I don’t speak it well but it was important for me that that line was in the language.
I sit alone
In the shell of what was
Contemplating how it was I got here

Head and heart vacated
Thoughts and emotions left to aimlessly swirl
A void devoid of direction and motion

When did I lose sight of the door
Was it always gone from the time I entered
And when did it reappear

What will I see when I open it again
Will those I knew still be there
Is the world the same place I left

And what of those I could hear while trapped
Those that left when I disappeared
How could I expect them to find me again
I found you when I was lost
Both of us young and full of fire
Not knowing what it meant to love
We were found in the wrong time

I found you when I was lost
Scared and alone trying to navigate change
Powerfully emotional and dangerous
We found pain

I found you when I was lost
Far to young for how deeply we loved
Gentle souls that didn’t know how to live
Then we found change

I found you when I was lost
You with experience and me fighting scars
Powerfully mismatched
We found abuse

I found you when I was lost
Kindness in spirit and soul
I could not keep up
We found stagnant air

I found you again
New circumstances and a new depth and fire
Like dry kindling we burned fast
We found time that cannot heal all

I found you when I was lost
A refreshing change of pace
A love fueled by summer air and peace
We found fall and winter and lost the path

I found me when I was lost
Grasping at the air
Clamoring to the surface
I found love, cycles, loss
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