When I speak of youth,
I do not mean the wrinkles under my eyes.

I refer to all the moments
That are so far away-
The scents that I can barely taste.
It’s all foggy now;
My skin is baggy now


How come they never told me
How quickly
You are no longer
Young
The world you were presented
Is no longer the real one
&all the cards you opened on Christmas
Are covered in script
From hands that are long gone
When I speak of youth
I speak of sunshine in the afternoon
The whole world feeling brand new
I speak of 90s movies in the living room
My moms hair
Spilling out of a clip
A Virginia slim
Hanging off her lips
She sits on the porch
With her legs crossed
I lay in the grass
After a bad round off
I look up through the branches
&see a cloud that looks like mountains
My brother screams heads up
As a football pegs me for a landing
I sit up and cry
My mom gets the ice
My brother says to breathe
That itll be alright
I blink the tears from my eyes
And when I open them
You’re a thousand miles away
I’ve got a 30 year old face
And my son looks just like you
But in a different way
It’s been years since I knew you were okay
I miss you everyday

And still I look back
On the bad days
The ones with the fights
And the yelling
Cant forget the tears

And still I look back
On the good days
The ones with the love
And the affection
Can't forget the feeling

And still I look back
Before I met you
And my heart wasn't broken
Can't forget how you changed me

And still I look back
But do you?

Is it better to have what you want
Or what you need?
This question bothers me every night
Why can't what I need be what I want,
And why can't I want what I need?

Now that I want you
I don't really need you
I need the air that I breathe
But I didn't want it
Until I had you

So maybe I need you after all

I knew
Friday night TV light
Trailer kids
Bottle-rocket sizzle
Quick gravel crunches
Giggles behind a fender.
 
Day-night amalgams
Video poker and ****** fog
Sidewalk thermal vent nap-takers
Torch lighter hisses
Boulders sublimated to smoke

Toe-curling sigh
And crying at the dawn.
 
I want to know
Tree house daydreams
Kitchen curtain springtime
AC hum in iced-tea twilight
Spinning
Zoysia grass between babies' toes
You laughing, and I:
 
The mad man, white beard laughing,
Praying in the shrubs
For the breeze to move the curtain
So that he may see.

I look for you
in the background of
photos of our mutual friends.

For some reason I want
to see you and know
that you are okay,
despite the fact that
you hurt me so bad.

I guess we can’t choose who hurts us,
but we can choose who we love.

I know I am unworthy & undeserving,
Beneath you, love;
And yet, with shame,
I feel the same as I have always
This heart - of yours.
It is kindred, and full of lust.
Hopelessly infatuated,
Though I know we were all wrong.
I can't help it,
And I assure you it isn't obsession
For I have known that,
This is not it.

Just painfully unrequited,
For all my faults.