“Good morning [redacted] high school!   Today we will be preforming our lockdown drill.”
“Please remember it is just a drill.”
Just a drill is what they say as if I’m not practicing what could very well
be the way I die
Just a drill this time but what about next?
You want me to hide in the corner
Quiet as a mouse
The lights turned out
Make it seem like we aren’t there
But we are
We are there
Being hunted
In a place we are meant to learn math
Not how to use a tourniquet
It is just a drill
But it wasn’t drill for other kid
The one who didn’t go home yesterday
The one whose mom is crying?
Maybe the first grader who can’t wear light up shoes
Because he might need to hide
I am not their target practice
If I don’t stand up for my rights
Who will
That’s the thing about my generation
We don’t know when to stand up
We’ve been taught to
Sit down
Be quiet
Paint yourself as the black sleep
It’s just a drill
Until it’s your child.

My partner is fun,
I’m sure he’s “the one”,
His body’s a work of art!
He thinks like I do,
And loves me so true,
And I love him with all of my heart.

My partner says he
Has PTSD,
And needs to be just on his own.
“It’s just a bad day,”
I hear him say,
“We always can talk on the phone.”

The close times we spend
Being “more than a friend”
Are few and far between.
My partner needs time
To get over the crime
Of abuse he endured as a teen.

The bad days won’t last,
They come from his past;
He’s getting some help for his pain.
I give him support
And write a report,
To help win his Right to Remain.

The lockdown has hit,
My partner feels ****,
And won’t let me visit at all.
I stay home alone,
And support him by phone,
But he often won’t answer my call.

My partner is sick,
He sends me a pic –
In his darkness he’s done himself harm.
I call 999,
But he tells them he’s fine –
He says there’s no cause for alarm.

I worry so much,
And long for his touch,
As months pass me by I just pray.
My friends wonder why
I stand by my guy,
But I know him better than they.

Time has moved on,
The lockdown has gone,
My partner’s now feeling quite well!
At last we can meet
Not just in the street;
He’s coming back out of his shell!

Before long I learn
My partner will earn
A wage as a carer in York.
But why go so far?
It seems so bizarre
To move far away for such work.

As I help him to pack,
He says he’ll be back
As soon as he finds a job here.
But something is wrong –
It’s taking too long,
And again I’m missing my dear.

To my deepest dismay,
My partner’s away,
Our contact is fading once more.
I call him and plea,
But he breaks up with me,
And says to me, “You deserve more.”

How much was a lie?
Is he even bi?
The red flags were all there to see!
With hindsight I’m wise,
And now realise:
The one who needs counselling’s me.

My mind filled with doubt,
I may never work out
The truth and the lies and the cause.
Two years since we met,
It’s time to forget
My partner who never was.

The world has never been
so quiet or loud,
So slow yet fast,
So full yet empty,

And even at the risk of
Life or death,
We still snicker
under
our breaths

And whisper like it’s gossip—

Joking about the heat,
How stuffy the air gets,
How squeaky our shoes are,
How creaky the tables are—

Quiet murmurs that loudly echo
In the suffocating silence

Like rats sneaking away,

Or ants tracing the lines

That have been ingrained into
The floor after years and years
Of torment,

Or the tiles in the ceiling

That have been
dented
and marred,
Dusted and wiped.

Even in the darkness there’s small
Beams of lights
from phones
Turning
on and

computers being typed on.

The decorations are hushed,
The colours are faded,
Not as bright as they used to be,
Couldn’t be.

The wind burns with
foreboding
And the sun with
impatience,

It doesn’t end even
When it’s over,

For everyone is
still

Running.

(a throwback poem from High school)

I'm the most popular girl in my homeroom.
Of course, that's my own bedroom -
cause we're on COVID lockdown, zoom.

My bedroom is the math class, which doubles as the gym,
it triples as the theater - you should see the shows I'm in.

They're only in my mirror, so my cats get free admission.
My sudden popularity's due, to a matter of attrition.

If I play my cards right, I can probably be prom queen
I'll hold the ceremony in the garden, so the travesty goes unseen.

I don't remember the moment that we met...
T’was the year of that brief breath of freedom but
we're both aware of the story that ensued:
the dreaded lockdown that sent us to despair.
But it was over the phone that we would still
speak on together and on and on we went.
Three 'ours; these hours would pass through time until
the norm remembered by us had now been bent
and twisted into something tot'lly new:
a calming thing.
A strange yet charming thing that broke the norm we grew to be accustomed to.
And though, in lieu of all I thought I knew,
I come to think
of how this change so scared me that I threw it all away, and hence lost you.

I still remember the moment when it would come to end...
I wonder now what had God left me to be.

Forgive me Father for we were too blind to lead our hearts, misled by our fragile thoughts and irreconcilable differences.
Forgive me Father for the misinterpretation created in in my head by dilemma and submerged in trauma;
I was blind to trust and numb to disregard  our own fresh wounds rubbed in salts in guise of words.
W o r d s
Cuts like a knife, straight to the heart and insidious
Like an uninvited guest, it stays till you're completely exhausted.
Drowned myself in vulnerability to trust the stranger
Unsure of the grave repercussion and danger.
Forgive us Father for losing ourselves in pain and game
For we were too naive to comprehend
Until we embarked on suffering till the end.

The nights are silent,

the ferries out of service --


everyone in bed.