Not that I miss you,
but I liked sleeping alone
until I met you.

this poem will be the last time i write about
the way you kissed me in your car last winter.
after this, I will never again admit
that I’ve masturbated thinking about you
for the past ten months.
it feels stupid now to say,
but when you drove for six hours
to surprise me at my show
I thought it was the start of a second chance.
I thought we were, finally, on the same page.
I don’t know why you did it
if you were going to kiss someone else on
new years eve, anyway.


it’s true that I was barely happy when we were together
so it’s hard to explain why, exactly,
I sobbed and heaved and dragged my sorry body
through a new year’s morning without you.
it’s true that the animal itching under my skin
has never known how to stop wanting.
it doesn’t care about all those bad dates you took me on
or how much I cried on the drives home,
it only cares about the feeling of your hands on my skin
and the soft fact of your mouth –
even though you never really listened to me,
even though I don’t think we’ve ever had
a single honest conversation.


i’ll probably be cursing you out for months
no matter how long you kiss someone else’s lips,
and i’ll just have to figure that out on my own.
i’m not sure what will happen when I can speak to you again.
when I can stand in front of you and look you in the eyes,
who knows what this mouth will say?
it knows too much
about the soft place on your neck
where you like to be kissed.
it knows too much about what it feels like
to have my back pressed against your bedroom wall.
it knows too much about the fact
that you only ever half-wanted me:
never quite enough to make me feel like i was seen,
never quite enough to know me.

Sweat trickles down her forehead and down the back of her neck
His chest glistens with sweat accumulated over the past two hours
Hands grasping at his broad shoulders towering over her
Breaths have become shorter and moans have become longer
Legs dangled over the leather car seats
Thighs spread as far apart as they allow her
He bites her bottom lip mixing pain with pleasure
Their hot breaths fogging up the windows
Bodies harmonizing perfectly with each others movements
Till they have drained each others energy
He lays his head on her bare stomach
Dozing off to the sound of her breathing reducing to normal
Her hands run through his hair
She wondered how she allowed herself to enable this behavior
After all he was only supposed to give her a ride home from work

If that will be that, then
breathe it while it lasts.

We could have grabbed
each others' hands and
stretched our existence,
turned time's fabric to
our bed and blanket,

but this is it, as I feel your
sweat and sweet breath I
prepare to feel the repeat
sequence, I repeat it

The empty smile
spreads cheek to
cheek

She's beside me in
splendid silence, I
whisper

my regret over driving
such high speeds, when
I know for a fact, the road
and its changeless dangers
to her saintly, sleeping form.

I'm sleepless.

a love no stronger
than the bottle's proof
yet strong enough
for the mind of a youth...

i woke up one morning
and left.
i needed to get out
so i booked a flight
and left.

that day
as i ran
you texted.
you wanted to see me that night.
i told you i booked a flight
and left.
you stopped texting.

i ran faster.

seat 10b
felt the loneliest.
i cradled my journal
and forced my eyes open;
if i fell asleep
i knew i'd surely
dream of you.

i didn't want to escape
into my dreams
because i knew
eventually
i'd wake up in a
nightmare.

i stared at the empty seat next to me
seat 10a
and imagined your form
uncomfortably cuddled up
in a cramped space.
you'd be sleeping
listening to Bowie.
i wouldn't be able to sleep,
i'd be staring at you.

this is why i booked a flight.
and left.

you're everywhere.
i'm drowning in your memory.  
you're my only dream,
but you're too much
of a nightmare.

im sitting
im waiting
for something big to happen

im praying
im hoping
that he comes to his senses

im thinking
im wishing
that he still loves me  


and

im trying to forget
that it may never be the same