Can't go to heaven
One child is cold
Trigonometry
I'm far too old

Lies, Lies
"Listen!" She cries
Don't hang out with Satan

But Satan's a raven
Created by hands. Oh,
My body forever shaken

s.
   s o n o r a ,
n.
   n o t  r i g h t  n o w
a.
   a m  b u s y ,  c a n ' t  t a l k                  
p.
  please don't leave
d.
  d o n ' t  g e t  a t t a c h e d  s o  f a s t
r.
  rare is true attraction and rare is reciprocation. how quick you are to dismiss it
a.
  am I to go on with my life as if you are not a steadying force? you will let me stumble
g.
  g u e s s  ******>.
.
.
n.
  now is the end? love is irrational but you don't understand

she is a narcissist
you can find her at 9 o’clock on tuesday nights,
taking photos in front of a full length mirror,
trying to find a spark of beauty in a life that is more bland
than bread without butter, people without mouths, mouths without words
(words outside mouths)

words fall out of her mouth before she can stop them
they are not always hers
she stole them from the magazine she reads on sundays, the one that keeps her distracted
because monday is back to the real world
(school means enemies)


she doesn’t make enemies, she chooses them
she speaks to a boy once and has a bad impression
and for the next three years he somehow manages to make her angry
she hates how he looks, how he talks, how he walks
how he beats her in an election of popularity
he doesn’t know he’s her enemy, but she doesn’t care
(if sharing is caring, she will not even breathe the same air as him)


air isn’t hard to come by, everyone she doesn’t like has a head full of it
everyone she likes also has a head full of it
the difference is that half think she’s crazy, and the other half are crazy
she has pride in herself
(that’s what everyone else thinks)


she has daytime insomnia, except
instead of not falling asleep, she can’t stay awake
in a world of people who think shallow water is safer and
shallow minds are better
it drives her crazy to think of romantic love
(she wants it but i guess she can’t have it)


her life is divided by the color of lockers
the yellow lockers of her first middle school, the good years, when she was admired by everyone
she was smart and charismatic
and she was happy in only a way that a
bee that has never lost it’s stinger can be
(innocent children always change)


the red lockers of a second middle school, full of memories she hopes to forget
the building where she first learned hatred and hopelessness and how you can never take happiness for granted because there will always be someone to take it away
(she was angry at her parents for their uninspired decision to move)


the blue lockers of high school, the idea of which kept her going all through the red year where she almost let go of the thin, little, fraying string of a balloon, keeping her barely out of the reach of the sharp nails of the devil’s paradise
she ran into blue as she ran away from red’s angry arms, crying for help, crying to be saved,
and she was.
she saved herself.


in blue she found herself away from the miserable creatures red produced, and she could never put a pin quite on how it changed
but she fell in love with feeling clean, and she started to look pretty
she pulled herself together and woke up each day grateful for the blue lockers that lined the halls of her high school
(she worked hard to be narcissistic)


she believed she found euphoria
she trusts in herself now, but
only because she trusted everyone at the beginning
(and no one in the middle)


her life is divided by the color of lockers
when she sees photos of the blue of her new school,
she is reminded of the yellow where she was so happy and
the red where the walls of the school mirrored what she saw everytime she closed her eyes
her mind is a board game, divided
by emotional reasoning
(i read an article that said that’s dangerous)

Closed my eyes just once
You saddened and shifted away
We had each other at arm's length,
Pretended we were soulmates
“Conjoined twins,” they called us
Salty and sweet,
I twitched with glee

A fog of slithering blues
Crosses my mind in two
I didn't cry until goodbyes
The pressure, the late nights
Do you remember the hurt and heartbreaks?
How we thought we could get over our heartaches?
The lies we told each other of "I love you"
I hope you knew it would end like “I feel you”

Tears never in my eyes
Yours were filled with them
I don't know why
Shudders of each mild
I let you take the shine
The praises and the crimes
Felt like I admired you more,
But I feel sick just thinking about it now

My enchantments you stole
But I’m guilty too
I wasn’t my full whole
The magic I had wasn’t discovered before

I loved you before, like an enchantment we soothed
You loved me because I made you swear,
Let you chant my spells to may and might
The words we wrote in the red notebook,
A diary we promised not to show
Captured ink we had in it somehow

Used it to survive
Lies upon lies
Cried until midnight
Uncomfortable truths we might’ve hide

Loneliness is a bad state of mind
Forced friendship, a suffocating cage of many forced lies
Trying to survive, but no escape or olive branches to take

The winters came,
Took the heat, left only gloves
Shared them like kindle to flame
Until the last day

The buses felt too bare
The classes too full to compare
Hence, the last day came by again
But this time it left a sting of sentiment and graves

Autographs of many of my peers
Still left in the brown notebook with a cat sticker
Like a crystal ball of predictions and wishes
Compliments and confessions from many misses

Small beads of light pour out the cracks
Hadn’t noticed until you left
It's like the child in me all over again
Scared but so happy it hurts to think it left
Like the final days of spring and autumn all the less
Lovely with warmth
Summer rains with popcorn

These cursed and beautiful memories of May
New classes and a new smell of paper and play
Excellence of spellbinding we made on those wooden chairs
The charts of never-ending competitions and magical festive air

A spell was cast on us
On those silver spring days

Spells and citruses
Fourth or sixth?
Decades or years?
Lasting scent of teenage years
I can't remember the last time I felt like a deer

Smiles so fake, but pure as the sunny day
Push and pulls from that street we crossed
How each of us had each other's backs
Remember the spell of a frozen time
Made us close like sea to tide
Worlds apart, dangerous in each other's lives
A few sacrifices I faced,
The misery we both faced
Grew us close,
But drew us apart

A suffocating thought, a heaving guilt in its wake
Denials of trust between us
Spells of fear and daydreams between us
Poems we wrote with such grace,
Forgotten in the ink, with such disgrace

Recalls of each memory
A pain in the chest, cardiac arrest
The envious gazes of passersby,
Summer rays blinding us from their slithering sorrows
A blissful movement we made,
A frozen picture in our brains
Silence after all the noise
Reminds me of us
The smiles and tears,
The upset on our faces,
The notes and letters slide away
A bittersweet smile on our face

Honour students we were
Oh, such dreams we lived
Stressed about a test one day,
Laughed about not studying the next
Magical were those days
The late day or the first day?
We met on Thursday
We split on Thursday
Signatures still linger on the school shirt
Markers scattered on the tiled floor, stepped on by many high schoolers
Joy and sadness in our eyes,
Silent goodbyes from afar with just a glance

We never actually said farewell
We were too good to be true
A secret we hid till the last day of truth
Now look where we are
An uncanny whisper of the past
The memories burn a hole in my scalp
The whimsical whistle of the period’s class
Shut the doors far too many times
You said you hated romance,
But touched me with a fever I caught

Slid the notebook to me with a smile,
Gave me snacks while sitting on the last bench
Loved the thunder outside the windowsill
“The favorite days of our prison,” we say until

Kind words from many,
Betrayal by so many
Left a few teardrops in the sky
They never fell with the rain or the midnight sky

As the months pass by
And the memories grow
I ask myself,
“How do i make these last?”
The memories,
The time we had together,
Why must it all end so soon?
Our final days in high school are
Finally among us
What if once you leave
I never see you again?
How do I move on knowing
You’re never coming back?
The endless memories we made
Will just slowly fade away.

You have no worries yet, they've only just begun.
I know you're scared, worried, anxious.
But I promise you'll be fine.
Yes its bad as they say
High schoolers do ****.
But they have to grow up one day.
Keep your chin up.
Don't be shy.
Stand tall, take pride.
Do an after school activity
Join a club, go to games
Make friends you'll spend life with.
Trust me, it pays.
Don't pretend to be something you aren't
Never stop learning
Do your work, but don't let it consume you.
Ask. For. Help.
They want you to pass.
I'm proud of you.
Don't do drugs, or alcohol.
Seniors don't want to be friends with you, and avoid dating people older than you in highschool.
Don't have ***. Trust me.
Study hard but don't over work.
You may have been cool, but no one likes someone that's rude and cool people are only cool in highschool. Better to be nice.
Money isn't a problem for now, get that job junior year.
Take advantage of extra credit.
Have fun with your first year.
Drama isn't cool or cute, stay out of it.
Don't bother with lockers, just keep a book bag.
Take notes.
Stay away from fights.
You won't be stuck forever.
People will make fun of you because your younger, but ignore them. They were young once too.
Write future you letters, they'll be cringe and funny to laugh at later :)
Most importantly, your grades do matter, but so does your mental health.
Its OK to take breaks and ask for help.
Stay safe freshies.