i'm not sure what it is, but tonight i'm thinking about people i used to know.
my childhood best friend, i hear she's awful now but i still love her no matter what, even though i haven't seen her in years. the boy who told me he was in love with me and gave me a crescent-moon thumbnail scar that i still carry today, having not seen him in four years. I look at my left hand and think of our friendship. My grandmother, long past ashes now, with her secret candy drawer, teaching me how to knit and giving me incorrect interpretations of country music. the boy that moved briefly into my drama class, downloaded one of my favourite albums to my phone and took my heart with him when he left. i think of him when i hear those songs, still some of my favourites. ny third grade teacher who told me about idioms and made me write my ks a specific way. my handwriting still looks like your name, sir. the boy who would fix my hair when it got messy, who moved on to cooler friends, and acts like he never touched my face for the sake of it. i still have his number. the girl who i loved books with for years, until we began to read different things and ran out of things to talk about. The boy i dated that sat on the floor of the mall with me and talked to me about all his favourite tv shows and held my head in his lap and never read the book i got him for chirstmas and now only calls me by my last name. the boy who i bought hotwheels in an airport with. i haven't peeled the complementary sticker off my headphones yet, so i haven't stopped thinking of him. on nights like these i miss them. i remember them tenderly. i still feel their phantom arms around me, and it is emptier than a lack of sensation. my heart is a bus stop, more empty for having been full.

Sweat attack
I'm Solo Dolo
On re-lax mode
Who's asking?
Lack of plastic evidence
Let that hot modern medicine
Do the rest
No where to go
No hope in tact
Blabbing til I couldn't
hardly  move my mouth
If it was allowed
I'm sure
That this tongue could
Move mountains

Sometimes,
all that's left of a friend is the wallet they bought you for your birthday, in the bittersweet smile that appears on your face when you remember that moment.

Sometimes,
they are only in the stories you tell. Their name escapes your lips before you even realize they were there.

Sometimes,
they are in the little moments of regret.
The dull pain between so very few heartbeats before they're gone again.

Sometimes,
they are in shelves of shops,
in "they would like it" thoughts before you realize you can't even remember the last time you've met.

Sometimes,
they are in the moments when you can.

But now they only exist in old photobooks, in fading memories.

In dreams, their faces side by side complete strangers.

They are everywhere.

But really, they are nowhere.

I never know where I am
in relation to you.

i wade through the grass mud on my shoes

You're here, and then
your eyes close off to me.

the light flits through the trees

It happens more and more often,
and yet I can't slip away.

i follow the light through thicket and clay

I think about us
so much, I can't sleep.

the light gets away and the mud is deep

You're gone when I blink.

*i sink

I remember the feeling
Of walking into clouds that were bleeding
That’s the kind of love I always needed
The kind that comes and goes
You followed me all over
Watering me until I grew older
But what I finally realized about you
Was a memory that never grows

If you knew me once
I’m not that way anymore
You always lived in the past
But that’s not what tomorrows for

I remember the meaning
Of chasing clouds that were leaving
That’s the kind of love I always hated
The kind that comes and goes
You made me follow you all over
Denying me because I was older
But what I finally realized about you
Was a future that never knows

If you knew me once
I’m not that way anymore
You always talked about tomorrow
But that’s not what you wanted me for