I yearn for that ability,
to feel human without ease.
No binder grasping at your ribs as your breathe,
no **** being stuffed into your pants.
No having to see if your hips stick out in those jeans
or if your chest looks weird in that shirt,
just being human.
Sometimes I think I never will,
because feeling human is a privilege
and the different don't get them.

All I want to do is stick my **** in a *****
deep and warm, juices gush around me
I want to make her moan and squeal
a slippery squeeze I wanna feel
push in my ***** and spill against her wall
she gasps and ****, we’re spent, I fall

but I don’t have a *****. ):

I almost don’t want to voice my opinion
because I like staying in the back of the mix
but it’s hard to do.
Straight from the mind, the mouth,
of a transgendered person,
this is honesty.
I know that there are a lot of people going on about the bathroom laws right now.
It’s ridiculous we even have to get to laws for bathrooms.
They’re for
elimination,
but it generally doesn’t stay at that.
Gossip, vomiting, crying, ****, ******, etc. Things you’ll most likely, in this century, find in the walls of bathrooms.
People are posting the meme, about the ******. Trying to mix it in with these laws.
A ******,
who is a man,
and someone who is transgender, don’t fall into the same category, and even if it’s made to better the judgement of hate and redirect the criticism of keeping transgender people in a specific bathroom,
don’t compare.
Because he is a male, he is a ******.
We are not the same.
Now, recently, people are posting about the mass shooting and connecting the two.
Saying how the last thing they want to hear about is how dangerous a transgender person is in bathroom now.
And they’re correct, because it’s always the last thing on my mind. I hate myself, so you don’t have to.
I have enough hate in me for myself so everyone can leave me be, knowing its strong enough.
I don’t want to be me, I don’t want to be like I am and I live with that everyday. I haven’t been able to make peace with myself and love myself, yet.
But I hope I can eventually.
I just wanted to put this out there, so people can see this side of things. From someone who is transgender.
The last thing on my mind in the bathroom is: you.
I do not want contact with anyone in there.
I fear you. I am scared to be there.
I feel threatened. I feel in danger, not you.
You should be ashamed to feel such resentment towards someone you don’t even know, because I am in the one in danger, not you.
I feel ashamed I am afraid of you and that is embarrassing to say,
but I am.
So don’t dare make it about your safety, because you are the last thing on my mind,
I promise you that.
Being misgendered, being *****, being beaten, being murdered, slandered, assaulted, accused, uncertain, hated, dehumanised, alone.
Fear.
These are what I am thinking about when all I have to do is ***, but all I wanted to have to do was get groceries.
Or get McDonald’s, get cat food, my car fixed, an outfit, take my husband lunch, take my daughter to the park, etc.
I have a family I love, very much.
So yeah, you are the last thing on my mind when I just have to use the bathroom, and don’t even want to need to use one in public because I am so afraid for my safety and wondering if this time, is going to be the last time I walk in one and don’t get to go home to my family because of who I am.
I am sure people have reasons to fear what they won’t know or understand,
but understand this.
I know you have your own fears and your own needs and expectations, but so do I.
Don’t fear me, in the bathroom, because my fear is actually greater than yours,
I promise you that.
And honestly, that is the last on my mind, anyway.
**I just have to ***.

My whole life Iitried to live in the body I was given
The body I am in
Growing up I never “saw the signs”
I never knew that there was anything else I could possibily be
I never knew that I was going to change
Or that there was anything else
Something. Someone better that I could be
Someone who is more comfortable in their skin
I had no idea that the reflection I saw staring back at me everyday in the mirror was not me at all
Ive noticed that ive felt different from how I was taught to feel
Ive found out a lot of things in my life so far
But I never thought I would find myself being envius of boy
Not because I disliked them but because I wanted to be like them
I found myself not wanting boys
But wanting to dress like them
Not wanting boys
But wanting to walk like them
Not wanting boys
But wanting to have my hair short like theirs
To have a “boys” hair cut
I found myself not wanting a boyfriend
But wanting to be someones boyfriend
I found myself realizing that so many girls have that muscular physique
I thought it was normal because other girls looked like that

So maybe I can too?
I tried to fit myself in the categories I saw others in
Girls. Boys like girls. Girls like girls too
I like girls. Im a girl that likes girls
But I do not want to be a muscular girl
I shouldn’t be in this body
So why am I?
Why does my mom strictly tell me not to pick flannels when were in the store
Have conversations with my stepdad saying
She wants to be….
But how can she…
If shes not even..
How can she?
She doesn’t like showing skin she tells him
Im too angry to listen to rest
But then he says
Im not saying its right but its her
HE SAID IM NOT SAYING ITS RIGHT
HE SAID IM NOT SAYING ITS RIGHT
WHAT IS RIGHT!?
I was certainly a fool
He never did accept me huh?
That. Is .Right.
But in my eyes im struggling with confusion
The illusion of my body and what I have now
Is the not the reflection of the real. Me
I found myself listening to other peoples stories and comparing myself to them
I should feel the same way because you have to feel the same as everyone else to be trans
But I didn’t. So I brushed the feelings away
Let them fade.
Blind to similarities
Frustrated because I had no idea who, or what I was
I looked at so many peoples stories
And the one thing I didn’t take from them all until the end was
They were all different
NEVER WERE THEY IDENTICAL
SIMILAR
NOT IDENTICAL
SIMILAR
NOT IDENTICAL
WHO
Am
I
Who am I if I am not the same
I am different
I am not supposed to have the same realizations as everyone else
The entire time I was looking around for answers from other people
Truly I knew exactly where the answer was
But. The feeling of trepidation was all my mind knew for the first few weeks of searching
I found myself thinking some more
This house is only bringing me down
Can I just get out of here?
I found  myself wondering  why she loved to prevent me from doing things I loved
The same ones that praise you
Are the same ones that hate you
I am me. Alittle bit different than most.
But im me
I found myself, while writing this poem

Mirror Mirror on the wall

                                                     *******!

Why do you show me these things?
Every flaw
Every piece of me I wish I never had?

Showing me this, or that
That makes me the woman I NEVER WAS
That makes me want to give up
Question myself
Hate myself
Die

All you are


Is a false reflection noitcelfer eslaf a sI


My eyes, deceiving me
                Trained
                               By the voices
                                                       Of a thousand doubters

Mirror Mirror on the wall

                                             I REJECT YOU!


I vow to see myself
                                Not in the reflection of ingrained hatred

                                        *But through the eyes of someone who loves me

I don’t know if I want T in my veins,
can it break these ******* chains?
Will it make these bleeding scars heal?
Will it make me feel?

Feel okay, feel better,
feel like I swear I’m not under the
weather.
Feel like maybe this is the way I’m
meant to live.

But maybe this just isn’t for me.
Maybe this life is a bundle of lies,
a bundle of feelings on *******
and electrocuting itself
like a pile of live wires in the rain.

Maybe by following my heart,
I’m actually doing the wrong thing
but the wrong thing isn’t the wrong thing
like the right thing isn’t the right.

The right and wrong do not exist
and my therapist
is running out of ways to tell me that
it’s okay
that it’s okay to feel this way.

That it’s okay to inject a synthetic hormone
into my bloodstream,
my muscle mass,
to make my mental self image
match my outward projection of self.

And in a harmless act,
one of my best friends tells me:
you know, Dani it’s funny.
I wear push up bras,
and you wear
binders.

But at the end of the day,
this body is still my ******* cage.