I’m angered by the way that I am,
Though, I am not angered at myself,
I hate the man that I see in the mirror,
Though, I do not hate the man who sees that reflection,
I despise the person that I am,
Though, I do not despise the person of whom I’ve become,
I fault the illness that controls my mind,
Though, I do not fault my mind for being sick,
I’ll always hold this grudge against you for making me this way,
So why—given all of this pain and hate—do I still hope you’ll love me someday?

Brendon S. Sawyer
2020

Sometimes you just have to have some medicine.
Sometimes you just need a Friend to hold you while you cry.
Sometimes you need medicine for your pain.
Sometimes Medicine wouldn't fix your problems.
Sometimes your friends you think are friends are not friends and they use you.
Sometimes Medicine will help you but not for long though.
Somethings don't need to have medicine.
Somethings are needed for medicine.
Medicine will not always cure your illnesses.
But real friends can cure a lot of your problems in life.

Yes i have questions.
Good one's at that.
The kind of questions that i feel
need answering to.
The one's i think about each and every day.
The one's i would never say.
You thought you understood.
When really you didn't.
You thought you did everything you could. When infact you didn't.

No.

When it mattered you stayed hidden.
Of course you were there...
To kick me when i was down....
Of course you were there...
Maby i'm not being fair.
After all i'm only seeing it from my
point of view.
I'm not pointing fingers at you or you.
There's no one to blame here.
It just hurt that's all... when i started
to see clear.

At the age of 16....
To find that in my hour of need...
there was no F* near.

I Just don't get it.
I don't think i ever will.
I'm sick of going over the same stuff.
In my head that is...
Most thing's i have forgiven.
Many thing's i have forgotten.
But you don't really care.
I know this by now, yeah...
(i convince myself)
I don't let it get me down.
For you i will never frown...or
will let you see my smile upside down.

- Can you see the "F* YOU"
      in my Smile today? -

Do you see this empathy i have?
The sincerity i have?
The forgiveness i have chosen to give?
For not just my mistakes but yours.
I'm willing to forgive.  
Sorry, that was a lie!
I can't forgive.
Not for 'how not bothered you are of
how little you have seen.
But maybe the fact you have never wanted
to even get to know me.
Never really knowed me.
I suppose i can never understand/get over
just how quickly you disowned me.
Maby you could at least help me see your point of view... whatever it may be.

    - It will help me to at least get a
               glimpse of me-

There was once a spot,
some would say he was charcoal
others would say it's got to be coal.
then you would have the, no its dark grey.

But we'll let you decide that for now.

The spot was on the page all alone,
   he filled up quite a portion of the page.
But it's not fun being alone, so he thought
instead of a spot ill become many dots.

So slowly what was one became two, three
smaller and smaller did spot become.
After quite a time, the spot was no more but
dots sprinkled over the page, they all looked
at each other the many but still alone.

So they decided to connect slowly the large dots
shrank as they lined from one to 100.
It took a while but now they were connected.
still their individual selves but now not alone.

But the funny thing is, that when we connect
things, we see more than before.
They didn't realize that from a spot to a dot
then united. They Painted a picture, you
may ask of what could a giant spot becomes.

Well ill tell you, it had a waggy tail, four legs,
and one of the cutest barks. He ran around
the page, some dots shock loose.
landing in the middle spread out but
close enough not to be alone.

They wondered for a while what they were till
they went "Woof, Oh my gosh were a dog,
a puppy to be exact. And with that they came
up with a name, they did a vote that was only fair.
All wanted one, but you have one always
                             wanting something esle.

Well the vote was in the many had thought and
pondered, now they knew who they were going to be.
Drum roll please....
      Rat-a-tat rat-a-tat ratta-tatta-tat-tat.
And there name was to be Spot the dog,
   except the one on our ear.

He shall be known as bob.

After he had a zoomy, scuffing the edges of the
page, he settled down, ok after he'd chased his
tail just this once more.

So the story goes from one to the many,
to be more than they'd ever wished before.
We have Spot the dog and Bob the spot.
    And if your careful and don't make a sound.
You can peek through the door and see spot
running around the page, chasing his tail
and barking in the excitement that he's now more.

To life, to love, to loss, to absent friends,
to every emptiness we cannot fill:
November’s started.  Let’s hope this one ends.

Everybody knows, yet each pretends
that one can shape the world around one’s will.
To life, to love, to loss, to absent friends,

A wall imprisons all that it defends.
I’ll watch you from my tower on the hill.
November’s started.  Let’s hope this one ends.

We all know what the prophecy portends:
a crow, a wedding ring, a poison pill.
To life, to love, to loss, to absent friends.

The breathing labours, and the heart descends;
a final rattle before all is still.
November’s started.  Let’s hope this one ends.

You must accept, though no one comprehends,
the knowledge all great tragedies instil.
To life, to love, to loss, to absent friends:
November’s started.  Let’s hope this one ends.