the heat in the pit of my stomach
is so familiar,
tears run down my cheeks
when I try to suppress it

I'm slipping again,
and I am so tired,
that I can't fight it.
I feel more alone,
than ever before,
but I can't tell you that,
because I'm fighting a war,
that you can't help me win.
I don't have the energy,
to try and fill you in,
on this demon
that has been haunting me,
since I can't remember when.
I know how it hurts you,
to see me give in,
to the restricting of my diet,
just to be thin.
I'm fighting this battle,
deep within my skin,
but it's so hard to understand,
just where to begin.
I take one step forward,
then two back again.
This starving of my body,
it's the worst kind of sin.
This demon latches on,
then twists me to spin,
and it's so hard to see forward,
when you're in a complete tailspin.

1.  There is nothing romantic about the way our hair falls out or the way we hover over the open toilet like there's no other empty space in the house.
2. Do not think that it will be easier to love us because the love we aren’t giving ourselves will go to you.
3. You can trail your fingers along my rib cage, count every vertebrae in my back like marbles stacked high on top of each other. This is not beautiful, this is what dying looks like.
4. I’m sorry for the smell of my breath, but there’s no amount of toothpaste that could cover up the smell of myself rotting from the inside out.
5. “I thought you had to be skinny to have an eating disorder.”
5.   “You don’t look like you starve yourself.”
5.   I know that you wish you could hold me without worrying i’ll turn to dust if you squeeze too hard.
6.   I grew up being told that my body is a temple and I should treat it as such, but I don’t think this is right, see; temples can be destroyed but it always takes another person. I am doing this to myself.
7.   I can’t remember the last time I ate without feeling guilty.
7.   I can’t remember the last time I ate.
8.   One day, I will be nothing and you will be nothing, and i’m sorry that i’m already so close to being gone.
9.   I want to get better. I am trying to get better.
10. Do not think that loving us will be easier, because the love we do not give ourselves is gone, and we cannot love you more than we don’t love ourselves.

It hurts so much to eat
Then it hurts so much to stop
One or the other
Which will it be?

As of now I'm 150 pounds
This is considered "overweight"
I want to be skinny so bad
But only so others can see

In hopes that they'll help me...

i remember the fall
the wheezing hair-raising scream that pierced the air that followed
it was as if my lungs wanted to let the universe know i was about to embark on a trip down to the underworld but settled on a post to social media instead
“the person you are trying to reach is not available right now. they do not know when they’ll be back. but for now, leave a message with your name and contact info at the beep.”
i changed my profile pictures to an ambiguous shadow, shut down my feeds, and disappeared

i didn’t wake up in time
pulled the covers over my head and pretended i was dead
asleep

most nights while i was under, i dreamed vivid dreams that the diabolical freaks that ruthlessly engulfed me had disappeared like i
sometimes still do

most mirrors i looked into were as broken as i was
shards splintered off like the decaying pieces of my emaciated body
my heart was indignant and my brain would have argued back if it had had enough fuel to do so
i remember the charts and the scales the morning weigh ins the
pokingthepokingthepokingthepokingthepokingthepokingthepokingt­hepokingthepokingthepoking
the food diaries the room searches the itchy gowns the smells the eyes the eyes the eyes the envy the eyes
everywhere

i remember fall used to be my favorite season
.

It is still haunting me
Refusing to leave
Wanting me to give in
Yet I am too proud to do so
Which just tricks me into
Slavery of feeling like I should
Which rabbit hole will I fall down
This time?
What way am I willing to go?

"daddy, i'm so tired all the time.."
of course you are.. you barely eat...
"don't i?"
no you don't... you only just eat enough to survive
you eat less than your 5 year old sister.

"what?"
Yea...



- I don't know why... and i haven't thought about it.
I like my body trust me
But i don't want food
I am hungry, but i don't eat till the hunger has passed i only eat because i have to... if i didn't have to i wouldn't eat.
Eating bores me
Eating makes me feel nonproductive

I haven't thought about the fact that i eat less than my 5 year old sister... and i can't understand why daddy hasn't said anything before now..
And now i can't wait to get on the weight because  i wanna see if he's actually right, that i'm losing weight..
Trust me i'm not trying to... idk why i'm doing this...

I feel a sin progress in my stomach.
Normal people call it hunger.
I call it hell.

(e.k.j.)