Holding hands around
                       a table
the rim of the toilet seat

Listening  to
                 mommom recite prayer
the voice in my head

Passing
                 food around the table
on second servings

If anyone has a right to be angry, it's me.
Everyone has a right to be angry, probably.
A few things I've found disagreeable with society:
that's my eating disorders, depression, and anxiety.

Also my family never noticed anything wrong
and continued to blame me if I couldn't go along
with any of their superficial acts of merriment
which hid deep flaws, there's no way I could act content.

Why did I feel like I didn't have a choice
but to hide everything and not let anyone hear my voice?
Because I was so afraid of being imperfect
and thought that because I was sad I was somehow incorrect.

So here's to all of you out there
who are trying to fight back your despair.
You have a right to feel the way you do
so get the help you need, and let yourself shine through.

These calories have made their way into my dreams
A place where I used to feel comfortable
Like anything could happen and I was, for the most part, optimistic
They've infected my subconscious and now
I'm not allowed to have that imaginary meal for fear
It may put on some imaginary weight.

I used to say you were the only thing that consumed my sleep
But I'd be lying if I say that this isn't an increasing occurrence, these numbers
These numbers, always in the forefront of my mind
Never leaving me alone for a moment to think
With infected sleep, there's no safe place for me
No place to run from these numbers, these *calories

Society sells beautiful lies,
Emphasis on the beautiful,
They sell you the definition of beauty in
small pictures,
small ads,
small sizes.
Spinning the world on a string,
They've got us all fooled.
Telling teens they don't need to eat,
"Skip the food today,
be beautiful tomorrow".
Selling the idea that beauty can replace sorrows.
Society sells the idea that beauty is empowerment.
Society sells the idea that if you are beautiful,
then you could have the world on a string.
These lies lead our leaders of tomorrow into disarray.
Sell us the idea that if we are beautiful
today will be better than yesterday.
But the empty promises lead us all astray,
Abandoned on street corners begging for scraps,
because we didn't think we felt empowerment.

Society sells small,
Society sells beauty,
Society sells small.
Small models,
Small manikins,
Small sizes.
Spinning the world on a string,
Society sells the idea that the size of your waist,
defines how beautiful you are.
Society sells the idea that beauty
is empowerment.
Society sells small.
Society sells the idea that if you are not small,
you are not empowered,
ugly,
waste of space.
Society sells small.
Society says beauty is empowerment.
These lies lead our leaders of tomorrow into disarray,
Too many teens today are to prone to facings their problems with razor blades,
Because today was not better than yesterday.
Then tomorrow won't be either.

Society sells small,
small pictures,
small ads,
small manikins.
Society sells protruding plastic ribs,
ribs sharp enough to cut paper.
Society sells the figures of the sick and dying.

Society sells small.
Small enough to be drop dead gorgeous,
Emphasis on the drop dead,
Society sells women who are severely underfed.
Society sells women suffering from malnutrition.
Since when did this become tradition?
Since when was fragile stature empowering?
Society sells skin and bones.
Society sells so small,
**women are literally dying to feel beautiful.

we are just a bunch of girls dieting because
starving is in,
emaciated is in,
you won't be loved if you're not thin.

knuckles rubbed raw by
teeth so sharp and blunt
a tongue rough and silent

violent retching
self-harm for a throat
already held by a noose

she promises
just

one more cookie
one last bite
one last calorie
one last breath
one

the toilet bowl is her best friend
and she hugs it close
when no one can hear