And how will i feel when you leave in three months
Perhaps to another town, state, country even
I wouldn’t know
We never talk

Its sad that ive wasted the last two years
Right next to you
But blind

Its sad that it was only a couple weeks ago
When i first saw
When i saw you walk down the hall
And thought to myself
Oh my

And its sad that i will go my whole life without ever talking to you
Without ever getting to know
Whats behind that guarded smile
Or that instagram profile

Perhaps we’ll meet a decade from now
You will see me
And you will think to yourself
Oh my

And i will finally get to know
You

Peter, your ghost doesn't linger
Not as much anymore, you've got others to adore
And I searched for you again for a while
Almost forgot, you left me at the Nile

In the dark pit of my past life denial
I swore it felt like I was under trial
Made me feel I knew darkness before you
But I knew it all because of you.

And in the memory you don't recall
I know I was left behind and you did nothing at all
Just as it used to be
And just as you showed yourself to me.

And maybe I'm reaching for the unseen
But you showed me what you mean
In the dark pit of my faded memories
It triggered my miseries.

And I won't admit to a thing
Like the writers who let lamps burn
I thought of you in secret and then in his bed I would turn
I did blame myself for it all

And I still curse and ***** as I dig my own pitfall
When it's all set and done
Their bones will rot and I'll watch myself return
To do it all in the name of the fire I swore to watch burn.

Your self sabotage is a transient orchestration
in soft pursuit of a potent vexation,
juggling vices as a decade old
one trick pony
circling pastures to meet itself
in the middle of an argument;

You’ll dawdle in the toy aisle,
linger in the doorway,
and parse the wounds of
a family member standing afield;

It could end when you let it,
yet the turmoils have you rattled
like a baby shower gift
presented in glass,
refracting sandy memories
that turned to pleas by a
roadside marquee;

Lone hotel escapades
with uncertainties
set sights on useful
youthful hastenings
brigaded into shoe boxes,
skipped lunches,
and a forgotten birthday
and ripple harm into a harmful world
while we reel at the
second hand trauma
which announces your presence;

The countless open-minded scars
that set you apart
can consume all but echoes,
reminiscent of muddy punk tunes
appearing out of thick air
and plucked with the vengeance
of a forsaken child
who never had enough candles to
blow out,
who conceded happiness to pollinate
fall out,
who branched into nothing to escape
burn out
and who stitched longings into trials
that all end with the conviction
of a jealous ghost

Locked into place.
Orwell’s boot on our face.
The human tragedy.
The human disgrace.
We slept with the enemy;
accepted his embrace.
“Aren’t things better now?”
they say; and it can’t be denied–
some things are better.
But is the difference so wide?
“Isn’t it enough, what I do for you?
Do I have to be perfect, too?”
No one is perfect. And I have gratitude.
But I’m waiting, still waiting
for one thing from you:
Admit what’s been done,
by your kind (and yes, you)
Don’t pretend to be blind.
Admit what we gave.
And what you received.
Admit what you took.
And how we weren’t believed.
When you bear this witness,
When you testify
We’ll be friends forever,
You and I.

So it was awkward?
So you dipped?

I still think you are the most beautiful person in the world
and it would simply be the bomb
If we could try again.

The days go by so slowly, but the weeks fly right on by
Echoes of you everywhere, and all my heart knows is to cry
The emptiness without you is almost too much to bear
With a pain this intense, my best and only tool is prayer

It takes all that I have in the morning to just get out of bed
I keep thinking of all the regrets and other things not said
They say that time heals all wounds, but I do not think this one will
The world just keeps on spinning, when it feels like it should be still

Every night I go to sleep, thinking I will see you tomorrow
Then reality hits me when I awake, and I struggle with the sorrow
This was not supposed to happen, and certainly not this way
But if I were to see you again, what would I even say?

We stayed so distant because we both needed our own space
Yet all I feel are hurt and regret, now that you're in another place
Are you looking down on me, watching me from above?
If all I feel is grief, does that mean I feel your love?

I have so many questions, the main one being, "Why?"
Why did you have to leave us, and why could we not say goodbye?
Did you think that you were sparing me, to take away my begs and pleas?
I still want more time, and for us to make new memories

The house feels so empty now, without your presence around
I listen for your voice, and your heart in every sound
Can you come stay with us, and sit with me for a while?
I would do almost anything, if I could get to see you smile

These are the words that came to mind, and they don't feel like enough
But it is too hard to think that clearly when dealing with something this tough
I keep expecting you to come back, to say it was all just a scheme
That it was some secret plot, or even just a dream

You would walk up from your office and sit down in your seat
I would hug you tightly and just listen to your heart beat
I would yell at you for leaving us, and bury my head in your chest
You would say that you just needed time, because you were so stressed

But since that is not reality, no, just my wishful thinking
Instead I look to the night sky, and notice the stars that are twinkling
I will pick one of those, and choose to believe it is you
Because as much as I am hurting, I am sure you miss us too

So I will do my best to be a man, and soldier on without you
For no matter what anyone else may think, I will always talk about you
I will never stop hurting, this just means we had a lot of love
I cannot wait to embrace you, when we join you up above

Mom and I will be okay, you do not need to worry
The love of God is with us, the author of our story
For although this chapter hurts, and there are tear stains on the page
I will remember you in every sentence, and with the coming of every age

For to have had a father in this world, it truly was a blessing
You are no longer in pain; there is no more hurt or stressing
We may have had our differences, but I was lucky to call you dad
I see it all too clearly now: you were the best I could have had