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When your tears feel like blood
Falling down your face
Burning in place
When your heart feels like
Pain
aching every beat
Breaking
       Faking
  Shaking

When you can't remember
Why you're alive
Why you would want to be
Everything is gloomy
Everything is nothing

When the snow falls and it's magical
Then melts the next day
Grey sludge
Gross and out of place

When you beg for someone
To be your friend
Someone to let you play pretend
Let you laugh
Let you know it'll be ok
Let you feel for once
What you used to on a lovely autumn day

I'm alone
I'm always so alone
I'm sick
Chronically
Mentally
Unforgivablely
Who did I hurt
To deserve this

I can't even pretend anymore
Life can be better
People care
People love me
No,
I'm alone
I'm *****
I'm pathetic
And weak
I'm almost thirty

My life is empty
I'm barren
I'm godless
I'm hopeless
And diseased

I beg for you again
Please, won't you be my friend
Look at me
Oh God please
Don't look at me
I'm weak
I'm so weak
I'm begging
I can't stop begging
Why can't I heal
Why must I break
Why must I sit alone
And bleed
From my face
Everyday
Alone
In every way
No laughter
No joy
No dancing
Just
Destroyed

My life is a hospital bed
I'm the disease
Everyone else is lead
I'm poisoned by them
But I want more
I lay not on the bed
But the floor
Put the medication in my IV
save me
Oh I beg so deeply
Save me from this life
I want to die
I wish to live
What more can I ******* give

The doctors never listen
They only demand
Money money
Then let you know firsthand
You don't matter
You are nothing
Shut up and go away

And so I listened
And I stayed
In my hell
Where the snow
Only last but a day
I'm so tired of living life just to go to another doctors appointment or have another surgery
Rachel Rae Dec 2024
Ill
I wept, and wept, and wept
As I had done only once before
When I first learned that
All my power was borrowed
That my hands were too small
To hold anything of significance
That the universe didn't care about my favorite season
That my name held no meaning

Why would you let me go on the way I did?
Gracing stages,
Planting rose beds,
Finding secrets in the way the light
Streamed through the windowpane, and
Futures in the pink of my flesh,
Why would you let me dance
Without rest?
Why would you let me peak through
The peephole lens?

If there was nothing in the end
Falling Awake Oct 2024
Hunting the marrow of my brain,        
Raptor talons feast through flesh,
Shredding tissue with each tear–
my neurons scream.

And as pain pulses in violence,
I’m swallowed by a cloud–
The external muffles, then drains,
Leaving only the talons.
Lila May 2024
People stopped asking how I was
Stopped caring about my pain
Stopped caring when I fell to the floor
Stopped pitying me
Stopped hanging out with me
People got tired of me being sick
They acted like i wasn’t tired of it too
Moonbeam Jan 2024
My body betrayed me in ways I never thought possible
I can’t eat, I can’t emote, I can’t exist
Not without itching, tingling, wheezing, gasping for air
I’m rapidly losing control over my life
My world was already so small—and now it’s getting smaller
The list of foods I can’t eat is growing as my will to keep going…shrinks
Why must struggles beget even more struggles?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy?
Exist in a beautifully carefree manner?
My spirit screams to express but my body says no
You’re not allowed
All I can do is tearfully write my feelings on a page while I agonize at all I have lost and will lose
I am missing out on the human experience I crave
I just want to be well
I want to breathe easy
I want to be healed
Yet I am here, in my bubble, alone
Forever
This is a poem about MCAS. I’m becoming allergic to life more each day. I have to leave behind so much. I have to miss out on so much. It’s so painful to live this existence.
onlylovepoetry Jul 2023
(be-tween and be-twixt)

———-


the most precious but precarious item
in our possess, value far above rubies,
this love overflows, but it drowns me
from within, for it has no home for
pleasured sharing and goes wasted, excreted
in tears and exhalations without destination

condition incurable, and the doctor advises,
projects, a life span rangebound from
be-tween
and
be-twixt,

imperative that this love be
disbursed, pressure relieved,
fluid and gases shared,
send it forth,  
Doc behests,
nay,
begs,
you’re a decent human,
tell your tales,
follow your motto,
write those love poems,
always leave them laughing,
and give them love in smiles
all-the-whiles
bringing joyous relief to your clogged arteries,
all this the bare minimum,
for you must moreover grasp and clasp
your body to another, for this
the best transfer transfusion
of all your needed love needs

go be needed, be great, be lessened,
be all three
and never walk alone,
with just hope in your heart,
for the heart, automatically refills,
and this the best, medical opinion…
for all those with too many love poems
requiring expulsion and extrusion
rayma Oct 2022
to some, i am a person worthy of righteous protection,
the blind spot beneath the tree where
dandelions sometimes get trampled.
i am never enough yet always too much—the
drive-by friend you can wait to see.
on the inside lies a multiverse of
goods and bads, talents and failures.
sometimes i’m pretty, sometimes i’m not,
but i am always something to behold.

and to you?
the one who changes the focus like an optometrist,
“one…or two?”
until my multiverse unites.
a good writer, a good singer, a good friend;
the little things others don’t find funny that always make you laugh;
the validation i’ve been searching for,
an honesty that lets me trust myself a little more.

to you i hope to be an eternity,
a couple of shambling girls united against a world
that doesn’t always have space for people like us.
for verity, my partner in crime, the other half of a shared brain cell, united in one chronically ill dynamic duo
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