I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you until I cry and until you cry. I'll kiss the tears off your face and hold you tighter and breathe in your scent and know I needed this. The scenes of our love will replay over and over again and I'll smile for the first time in years. I'll memorize every inch of you and see you every time I close my eyes and smile even harder. We'll gracefully dance, holding hands like they were always meant to be intwined with each other. We'll go out to dinner and I'll pay every single time because I would go bankrupt for you. we'll have cute little movie dates, and go home, cuddling every night. Even when you're asleep I'll say I love you because I know that that phrase finally belongs to someone, that it means something. We'll raise kids and tell them stories of the past and I'll smile hearing you read to our three year old daughter and our 7 year old son because I know now that it's worth something to live. We'll move into a house with a pool and swim with the kids and laugh, and never worry about fighting because we can't stand to hurt each other. We'll eat watermelon on a sunny summer afternoon and I'll giggle because you have it all over your face. You'll hold me close during thunderstorms and I'll stop you from shaking, and promise I'll protect you no matter the cost and I'll mean it. we'll look at the stars and I'll point to every one and tell a story and your eyes will twinkle in this beautiful light, and I'll fall in love with you all over again. We'll grow old together, visit grandkids and get lots of cats in our cozy forever home but still love to go on walks everyday because it makes you feel young and pretty, though you were always beautiful to me. I'll sit at the end of your hospital bed until you take your final breath and I won't cry but I'll be happy that I fulfilled your life as best as I could and that I protected you till the very end. I'll leave roses by your grave every birthday, and every Valentine's Day and I'll bring you presents for Christmas. I'll tell you how I'm doing and ask you how you are, if you're happy, I'll tell you how our grandkids are doing. I'll talk to you as if you never left.
But none of this happened.
I've become a drunken horrible mess and I cry every night not because you betrayed me but because I can't speak to you without shaking. You won't even speak to me and even if you do its just the same monotonous responses I'm sick of hearing. I don't even sleep anymore because every time I close my eyes I think of you, I see you smile and it hurts because I'll never have that smile back, the one I thought was mine. Our song comes on the radio and I quickly change it before the wounds can become ****** again. I keep living in this fantasy and I just can't accept that you don't love me anymore.
I don't love myself.
I don't think I ever will,knowing that you were the one story that was ended abruptly and never told again.
