Everything is fine I tell myself
Everything is fine
I take the blade and put it against my skin
I don't even want to do it anymore
Everyone will be disappointed
Everything is fine
Everything is fine
I tell myself as blood seeps out of my fresh cuts
Everything is ******* fine
I can't find my breath
I can't breathe
Everything is fine
I push harder and the blade hides itself in my skin
I stop and look at the damage I have  done
Warm red and cold water blend in as I'm leaning over the lake
Everything is fine

I have this feeling thats gnawing at my stomach, i know it all too well.
But i have a goal to reach and if that means falling into bad habits, watch me leap from the top of the mountain.
If it means bruising and my head spinning out of control, watch my skin turn blue as i turn and turn and turn.
If it means that my mothers worried look will return and my friends will start distancing themselves, watch me walk this road alone and in pain.
Because pain means suffering and suffering means loneliness and loneliness means that i need to reach my goal alone.
I only hope that this time i'll be capabel of using a parachute on my way down and stop myself from dissolving when i hit the ground.
The ground is my goal and oh god i hope i make it.

I lost weight again
Eating is getting harder and harder
I can't remember the last time I was hungry nor full
I want to stop eating completely
That's what my unhealthy side says
I want to stop eating and lose all the weight I put on in the hospital
I want my bones to show and I want to feel the way I did when I was skinny
This urge came suddenly
I don't know why or what to do about it
I want to be skinny again and there's no holding back this time

I feel ashamed as the fire went out already.
It took so long for it to lit.
For a while it hasn't been that steady.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be fit.

For only a day and I'm already beat.
I don't sleep very well.
I blame the the weather and the heat.
But I know it's not the reason I fell.

When I look in the mirror I am ashamed.
The extra that's still visible on me.
I want to be seen, be famed.
But what I see is not what I want to be.

Asleep and tired, from my own urge to be freed.
Empty inside, but it will be worth it, you'll see.
But I'm not stopping this until I see what I need.
Yet I miss the days my fire was easily lit by me.

It’s sick
But all I can think about
Is the pain

I think it’s an art
One that I have perfected
The ability
To ignore everything
But the pain

I don’t think
I could make room
for anything else

Because if I’m not cutting
I’m burning
If I’m not burning
I’m starving
If I’m not starving
I’m purging
If I’m not purging
I’m binging
If I’m not binging
I’m probably dead

And thus
All I can fit
In my brain
Are these thoughts
These morbid
Thoughts
Of pain

I’m scared to be hurt
And so I won’t give you a chance
To hurt me again
Even though it wasn’t your fault

The though
Of losing
Losing control
Losing a friend
Losing you
I can’t take it

So I will make sure
I am in control
Of the pain
I will slice my wrists
And count the calories
And maintain my
Complete
Dominance
Over my life

I’m scared of
Losing
Control

I’m scared of losing you

There's so much pain
I hate myself so much
And everyone I allow to be in my life will be poisoned by me
I try to protect them
But how can I do that while I'm the one they should be running from
All I cause is pain
There's so much pain
I hate myself so ******* much
I wish people knew how bad it really is
Because I put on a smile and they all think I'm fine
It's like screaming and no one can hear
I'm drowning
I'm what's wrong and there's nothing I can do about it
If I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting everyone around me
How can I solve this without ending my life?
I can't take this any longer
My lungs are filled to the brim
I can't breathe
I just need the pain to be gone
I am the pain
What do I have to change inside to survive, who do I have to become?
I've had enough
There's so much pain
I can't take the loneliness any longer
The isolation I gave myself
I hate myself so much
I need to be gone
I need to be gone
Help me please
I can't take it any more
I can't breathe
I can't ******* breathe

I can feel myself fading away
I've never been something special
But it's like I'm turning grey while the whole world is full of color
It's like I'm being pushed off
It's weird to explain
But I just feel like I am nothing
Like I can dissappear in a second and no one will notice
I want to end it myself before life does it for me
I'm so scared of living
The few years I had on this earth were **** to say the least
I'm nothing special
I'm nothing

'You're not good enough!' he said while he placed his hands around my neck
'you'll never be!'
I cried, he lied, I almost died that day
Full of bruises I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I fell off my bike the day before that
They believed it, they still think that's the truth
'You *****, never talk to another boy again or I'll **** you! ' he said while he slapped his hand against my cheek
I reacted mild, he got wild, I still was a child that day
Full of red marks I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I got in a playful fight with a friend
They believed it, they still think it's the truth
And this went on for a few months
I finally found the strength to get out
But it haunts me every day