I'm tired.
Tired of the constancy,
the constancy of judgment.
Tired of hiding,
hiding who I really am.
Tired of trying to stay strong.

I'm tired.
Tired of pretending,
pretending to be happy when all I want to do is cry.
Tired of not being able to let go,
let go of all the pain and emotions that consume me.
Tired of feeling worthless.

I'm tired.
Tired of being put down,
put down by the people I felt closest to.
Tired of dreaming,
dreaming of a life I will never have.
Tired of not being good enough.

I'm tired.
Tired of remembering,
remembering how I used to be so happy.
Tired of the blame,
the blame I put on myself daily.
Tired of the anger.

I'm tired.
Tired of crying,
crying in the shower so nobody can hear.
Tired of the fear,
the fear of being judged, hurt, and alone.
Tired of failing.

I'm tired.
Tired of holding on when all I want to do is give up.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of being me.

does it hurt you that we don't talk anymore?
that I am now a passing stranger on the street?
it doesn't hurt me.... because you did that enough.
deep inside I know I will never love again
will never be able to give my heart away to another stranger
you were what was supposed to be the better part of me
and now I can't even imaging feeling another ones touch.
I really hoped I never had to know this feeling
you told me you loved me under the moon with the stars so bright not so long ago
and I believed you.
I thought the sun would shine again....
but I will never love again.

"let someone in" their voice rang though my head.
flashbacks of how my soul died replayed over and over and over again through the fog of my memory.
they meant it so innocently, but he was so innocent when I let him in.
my arms were wide open, I told him to make himself comfortable when he entered the depths of my heart.
and god, did he.
his shoes were muddy but I didn't even notice, his smile distracting me.
he opened my books on the shelf of memories, leaving them scattered all over the place.... his smooth beautiful lies consuming my mind to a point where I didn't care what he did.
I let him trapse through my deepest secrets, my most intense thoughts, while he sat there and smiled saying how he loved me.
why did I have to believe him?
he laced his words with so much truth it made my head spin,
he was bringing parts of me alive that had died so many years ago and I thought he'd stay.... but I also thought he loved me.
but before I could even blink he had ran out the door.
the door which used to have a wall built around it with a lock.
a wall that he broke down, and lock he somehow managed to get through.  
he was a storm that had ripped through my whole being, leaving me even more damaged than before.
but it's okay.... I'll just 'let someone in' again.

you’re always there
yet too far to touch

i know you’ll never
kiss me.
please just say that you
miss me.

I seen a picture of me back to the time
when my hair was teal
my hair is raging red now.
I seen the smile on my face and wondered
what back then could have replaced my melanin
with shades of pink.
It was a picture taken by my sister
while I called you.
I seen a screen recording of one our FaceTime calls.
This time I wasn't so focused on you
but the lightness in my voice
I speak too harshly for some now.
and the look on my face.
I smile less more now.
I know her, but she doesn't know me.
I know things she'll never know.
She wouldn't believe me if I said we don't talk anymore
I seen a picture I took of you.
It's been a while since I've seen those eyes.
I push back my teal hair to reveal the rose on my cheeks.
I smile.
I smile and actually mean it.
I'm still that girl, I'll always be that girl.
I'll spend a lifetime trying to find something other than you
that will make her come out again.
I miss you, me.

hey,  how long has it been?
since i picked up a paper and pen?
a lot of things had already happened,
i'm not the same since then.

i felt so many feelings,
experienced a lot of things.
and it actually made me think,
maybe this is what it feels to exist and live.

i decided to write again,
to share my thoughts
to improve
to go back to my first friend,

to poetry.

Laughter sticks to my teeth,
Like taffy.
You are a carnival
Of affections;
And
I have not enjoyed sunshine in so long.