I know a bit about math.
You add one to another and get two
divide two and get two separate ones.
Do you think that 1 wanted to be divided?
What if it was happy under the aid of the other one?
What if they were meant for each other?

You multiply x by y.
X and y don't go together,
it's by nature.
But it's by choice that they still collide together,
and x and y suddenly seem indifferent.

You divide x by y.
After bonding for so long,
after understanding each of their incompatibility issues
and trying to mend them to better fit,
they're finally divided.
One is now without the other,
the other is without that one,
and they are both separate variables in a cold world.
It's by nature that they remain separate,
but it's by choice that they still remember.

Now that I am high, I don't ever plan on coming down.
From what I am told highs don't last forever.
If this feeling ever fades I don't know what I'll do.
I couldn't begin to imagine another night of sobriety.
A night spent away from what I've come to know as normal.
Something done randomly, something that's become habit.
Given time.
I don't think I could go back to the way I once was.
Something held close. Revealing the fact that nothing is as perfect as we could imagine it.
The moments I feel myself floating with closed eyes.
Picturing myself falling in love.
Now that I am high I feel that I am free-falling.
Finally jumping from the ledge I've known for so long.
A sudden pause from anything momentary.
The everlasting effect of something I've never felt. Being high.
Most highs don't last forever from what I've been told.
Always chasing something to compensate what was once felt.
My first reaction was to jump from the ledge of the couch and hit the floor face first.
Which was what I did. Not entirely my plan but it worked.
Choosing to stay here and seek nothing outside of what I already felt.
Leaving my sobriety anywhere but here.
A kind of reserve stashed away for safe keeping.
Not in the sense of smoking or anything that could be ingested
I suppose I took a piece of your heart and hid it where only I could find it.
But only when I jump from the ledge of the couch and end up face first on the floor.
Somewhere I know you can't find it.
I guess this high could be considered love.
A funny thing, love.
Four simple letters that could create so much devastation,
or bliss.
Love a whirlwind of emotion that takes everything then tosses it up without care how it lands.
A crazy thing, being sober in the midst of love.
Four simple letters packaged and distributed as something sweet, delicious.
Most commonly referred to as munchies.
Devouring everything in sight.
A buffet of need wrapped airtight in urgency.
Next time I sit on the floor I think I'll invite you.
But only for another piece of your heart.
Verballing from the ledge of the couch.
Only to land face first on the floor once again.
Love such a crazy thing

as kids we used to go out in
the cold holding pretzels
between our fingers and pretend
our frozen breath was smoke

(funny how
kids grow up)

we rang in this new year
with a half gallon of last
year's apple cider just turnt
enough to bite and fizz

half glasses of
questionable mango juice
mixed with a stranger's
thick cream ***

and a full season of
mash but after
this year i know
suicide is not painless

(it burns and stings
chokes and screams
leaves friends
crying at five a.m.)

stood on some kitchen steps
cat-scratched hands red
from hot dishwater and icy air
stomping cold feet

(the plan is to get me addicted
for just a couple years while you
*** them off me until i prove
i'm strong enough to quit)

and you held out the zippo
lighter you got for christmas
i handed you a cigarette
and you held it between your
fingers and tapped away the
ashes like richard dawson would

(there's something poetic about
historical self destruction)

it burned my lungs
enough that i coughed
but then again it
felt right

natural
like we had been
practicing for this
new year all our lives.

I promise to mislead, deceive, and begial
You can continue to live your life in denial
Pretending everything's great
As your lies you spin and create

I'm the one that comforts you in the dead of night
Not your so called friends that are so up tight

I calm your nerves
I'm what you deserve
I chase the memories away
I make everything seem ok

But somedays I make them stay
I make everything in disarray
You know on those days you just need more of me
On your back I'll always be
With the darkness always closing in, always there
I'll by the only one who truly cares
You are my favorite ******
                        
                      Sincerely
             Your Loving Money

Thank you for dinner, sorry I can't stay
sorry I was born, sorry I can't pay
Sorry I was around
when you'd have me gone
Sorry I got quiet
when you went to turn me up
The road ahead for me
the road behind for you
Should have packed and left you at night
so I could finally pass death into the daylight
Awarded for the conscious service I provide:
Nothing
Nothin?
Nothing but crutches with smudges
catching must in the closet touching
another box in its depressing square
Pictures, I burn them
Dish? I break that.
I'm just another broke ***** barefoot in a haystack
Your clothes get acid
Heart? I sever the artery.
I'm just another childhood ruined with adult bad

I took a walk to see.
All the queens down market street turning just for a fix .
The ******* of the day doesn't matter when you only live for the score.

Greetings from the gutter.
Go wash yourself clean as I embrace it's decay.
Least I know my place art is never a safe bet sweetheart does  his touch still make you cringe?

Meet me at the bar and we will get lost together.
Goodnight to the fakes I have little more to give.
Goodnight to you all it's ran it's course shall we just let it die?

To the designer junkies who's prison resembles a palace I prefer the chaos of my own reality keep your distance for your ******* need not apply.

The cutter scars I  prefer to some airbrushed queen your flaws are your perfection were all ****** up so embrace the truths and ignore there lies.

Goodnight my friends my buzz has began to fade .
Life is a bruise beautiful in it's story .
Never hide the flaws for art is the biggest train wreck of them all.

Cheers

"Hey! I miss you like crazy! On that night you left I ****** cried myself to sleep and it continued for a couple days. Everyday I wonder... how is he doing and I had a dream about you the other night and you had your afro.. ha! And I asked you "hey how you been?" And you said "I'm doing good I even have a job now." And when a certain someone heard my dream, they told me "yeah I don't know if he's exactly doing that he's using". When I heard that, my heart stopped.. it was unbelievable. I started crying. And I hardly ate breakfast. Diego, I know you probably aren't going to listen to me but you don't have to do that. Like you said "I have many skills and talents". Well use those! Not ****. You can actually do something. You're 18. There's many things out there for you to do. If there's nobody there to talk to you .. call the Phoenix house and ask for me. No matter how far apart we are, I will still be there for you. To be honest I got a bit disappointed when I heard but just remember what you learned here. Who worry and care about you! Use your artistic skills! Don't let no drug take you away from that. Hopefully you call soon... I miss you I love you. And I will always be your sister... don't forget  - laura "
I'm sorry Diego. I had to tell her. She was very concerned and since I knew.. I just had too, it was eating me up. But I miss you. Its okay , you can always find that start again. I believe in you. - ash