i still remember the first time that someone thought my body was their property my first girlfriend pressed her hand into my throat, tightening her fingers like she wanted to leave her prints there but all that was left were bruises that i had to explain away to my mother a boy i just met grips my hair he shoves me to the ground i can still feel the branches pressing into my knees his calloused fingers wiping away my tears as he tells me to be a good girl i want to be a good girl i’m scared to not be a good girl but i know i’m not because good girl doesn’t shove her fingers down the back of her throat digging like if she can go deep enough she might find hidden treasure good girl doesn’t feel hands forcing their way up her shirt and think “he’s not going to stop so i might as well let him” good girl doesn’t feel ***** all the time good girl doesn’t have fingerprints engraved on her skin like tattoos good girl doesn’t feel phantom hands pushing their way up her skirt if she sits a certain way a good girl wouldn’t let that happen to her a good girl doesn’t let her body get rented out like a hotel room a good girl is no one’s property
Some nights I go down memory lane Where I don't like to be, I go there because flashbacks come back, To the point where I'm in tears I don't like to cry, But I can't help it. When I do end up crying, It's too late.
On a cold January day, I was abused Bad In school, In the bathroom, In the handicap stall, I was left there to cry,
When I told the police, It was too late, Way too late. They couldn't do anything because it was way too late.
Since then, The last 2 years, I've been bullied, Harassed, Physically and online
Not to the point where I wanted to do self-harm But I've thought about it, Several times.
Sometimes, in the shower I think of all the hands I have let touch me And have to scrub myself so hard my skin blisters, Use my nails like a blunt knife, try to tear into a new skin One they have never seen I'm reminded of all the ways I have said no with my body, All the times it was ignored, And turn the water so hot I feel **** singing in my blood. I hear all the ways I said no with my tongue, All the times it was ignored, Bite down on lips that never spoke loud enough I’d sever this useless muscle from my mouth If only I hadn’t already hidden the razors. But sometimes, in the shower I think of the times I have touched myself Ran fingers over a soft-skinned body That could not do more to save me And I remind myself that this precipice of hatred, The dancing cliff-edge of blaming myself Should not lead to scars and blood in the drain I think of all the ways the water has held me Has embraced me for hours and asked me to give nothing in return In these moments I know a body is just flesh This sinew and marrow carcass of me Is blameless for the reaching hands Of the ****** and rotten bodies of them It’s just a frightened body And I forgive it I forgive it
The day I realized my past loves were not love, I cried The day I realized my past loves were coercion, I forgot how to breathe The day I believed ****** coercion online was not real, I wanted to **** myself out of guilt The day I believed my experience wasn't "trauma-worthy", I stayed in bed wishing I could forget how to live The day I believed I deserved to be manipulated, I questioned why my loved ones stay The day I believed I can't trust men, I tried to push my boyfriend away The day I realized he would not just leave me, I told him how much I appreciated him The day I realized he will stand by me, I decided to love myself The day I realized sexting coercion is real, I promised myself I'd let myself feel The day I realized sexting coercion is ****** abuse, I promised to let myself heal The day I realized my past loves were not love, I learned to love myself
No! You can't stop me! You hurt me! You touched me! I trusted you and this is what I get in return? I will not care. I do not care anymore. I am stronger. You took that special thing from me. You made me promise not to tell, well I'm telling now. I'm breaking from your cage. I am free now.
My step father sexually abused me when I thought he loved me