I have just taken the first breath of fresh air after being held underwater for so long that I thought for sure I was going to die.
I could’ve sworn I’d already gotten out of the water a long time ago,
I remember fighting for so long to swim out,
But no, I remember now.

Just as I had caught sight of the shore there was a man there rushing to help me out.
Thank god because I was exhausted after fighting so hard for so long,
I do not know if I could’ve gotten out without help, and I told him as much.
He offered me such kindness that it seemed easy to put my trust in him,
And so I did.

I looked over my shoulder one last time to take in the place I had run from and prepared to say my final goodbyes to it,
After all there had been good memories made here too,
Before I had been pushed in,
Although those seemed like forever ago now.

I take a deep breath and start to turn my head forward once again,
But all of a sudden my legs are no longer there on the ground holding me up.
I do not know what is going on but the water surrounding me threatening to enter my lungs feels so familiar,
I almost let it consume me.

I did not even realize I was being held under until he loosened his grip for what was only a moment,
But that was all it took for me to take that first breath and run.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he is a little ***** and rough around the edges, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he was bad with money, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he isn't as educated as I am and sometimes he gets mad at me for that, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he pulled my hair that one time, but it felt like home, and mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he treated me like ****, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he doesn't really love me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he gets pushy with ***, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know none of my friends or family like him, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he will leave me faster than he came, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he uses me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he won't be enough for me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know we love in different ways, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he draws too much attention to himself and I hate attention, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know I know, I know.

I know mama, I know.

Yes, yes mama I know.

Yes, I know

I know.

I know!

I know mama!

Yes, I know!

Don't you think I know?

Mama, I know!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

You won't listen.

Mama! HE HELD ME!



Well mama, I did it.

Mama, I got him to calm down

Well mama, I did it.

Mama, I got him to treat me right.

Well mama, did it.

Mama, he chose me.

Well mama, now I am unhappy.

i laid on the bed completely defeated
with tears in my eyes and a handprint that left my skin heated.
i said no, and i meant it.
but you begged, you just couldn't accept it.
after you ****** me and used me at your disposal
you turned away from me and the phone screen lit up your face
so i turned my back on you and cried into stained sheets.
i never looked at my body the same
after you branded my body with your all-too-common name.

When you were feeding me pesticides, you asked if you were poison.

No, of course not.

How can you be poison when the fruit is so sweet?


When your control over me spread like cancer, you asked if you were a disease.

No, of course not.

There is nothing alarming about you, nothing to widen my eyes at with worry.


When I choked on my tears, you asked if you were a flood ready to drown us both.

No, of course not.

You are nothing like the unyielding water, scratching at the rock until it was as smooth as them.


When your short fuse scotched me, you asked if you were a fire destined to burn down the world.

No, of course not.

You are warm and safe, but not dangerous-
I mouthed silently at night.


When I was lying on the floor, barely clinging to consciousness, you asked if you were death.

No, of course not.

Death is merciful.
Death is inescapable.


When I was dreaming of you, you asked again if you are all of those horrible things.

Yes.

Yes you were.

I smile as tears roll down my cheeks
The blissful moments I can’t seem to recall
Perfect memories become demons gnawing at their own echo
Passionate hugs tightened to a strangling embrace
The electricity in his eyes filled with cold determination
The racing of a heart in love, infused with anxiety
The touch of skin, rubber
Numb and painless
And the beautiful memories continue to haunt me

I beg you

reach out your tongue

and caress me with your words.

Soothe me with your hum.

I want to be enfolded in

the licks of

your love.

 

But your tongue sits

heavy in your mouth

stuck between

contempt and

apathy.

 

Only ever touching me with

it's brutal lashing.

I wish I didn't love

the sight of blood.

We press our bodies together
Forcing separate atoms to form one
Of a new breed,
But it will never be achieved
We don’t bond
Just periodically breathe.