[Cat's Cradle (2nd Draft)]
Nothing greater than memory's patient nature
favors or succumbs to braving danger.
Whole hearted, half mast; a cat's cradle
wavering against a wagered anger,
finding harbor in explained behavior.
Painful presence tapered, later safer,
not enough for neighbors
and layers of paper strangers;
flickers framework, fainter.
Yet love's determination;
sorrow's single, soulful, saviour.
Indefinite by language
but the purest light's purveyor.
Saint and angel, arms and anchor,
though like snow, still dissipates to vapor.
Vague, but real; remembering, remainder
in wake of torturous erasure.
Never lost as love lasts long,
lingering through life and labor;
wild hearts, though hesitant,
still taught and tempered, tamer.
As portraits and their painters,
special moments froze in graver day's reclaimer;
recollected and replayed,
as something simply savored.
the depths of what became here;
indulgence for abstainer-
dead but dear, dreams
shimmering for starlit aimer.
I had to put my cat Jynx to sleep in the afternoon on august 11th, 2017, five days before my 25th birthday and six before I wanted to celebrate his, unofficially (because the day after mine just do happens to be black cat appreciation day), but even after writing the following, still had three wonderful weeks with him in his best health and spirits before I finally did have to say goodbye.
"I hate that I'm already writing this before knowing for sure what has to happen like I'm assuming the worst, but at this point everything has pointed towards my having to put him down when I take him to the vet at noon tomorrow. Everyone I've talked to about it either says the same thing or won't risk saying anything contrary at the probability of false hope, it seems. And realistically, if it's what it seems to be and his kidneys are or have deteriorated, then all that can be done would be slowing it down and prolonging his suffering, which anything hopeful anyone has said either involves that, or seems like something else entirely. At this point he's been dehydrated, not eating or drinking much (and progressively less, though I've found a few ways to get him to do both), been lethargic and much less responsive, sleeping a lot but seems restless, hasn't been puking but definitely seems to be getting sicker and probably will be soon. Im not just prescribing to the worst possibility, I just couldn't bear to drag out something that'll just cause more pain for him than if it were able to be made easier, if still inevitable based on his condition when I bring him in.
But aside from the obvious sickness, hes still entirely himself enough to purr every time I talk to him and slowly close his eyes as cats also smile, stare at me in between sleeping when he opens his eyes before I've even noticed, picked his spot on the futon right next to where rose and I already were and didn't choose to withdraw, and finds some degree of comfort and trust in wanting to stay by my side in that.
But if anything were to make me believe in any conception of god, it would be my cat. He was the runt of his litter and always stayed somewhat skittish by nature, but after my stepmom moved in with her dog and cats, chose to stay with and love me, going so far as to constantly follow me around my parents house always, and as skittish as he's always been, had never acted or tried as though he wanted to flee or run away in any ways but found comfort in retreat and especially with me, anytime he'd been scared so far as hugging me when I held him. And for so long now, he'd become less afraid and more trusting and loving towards my friends, and eventually completely trusting. To see that sweet center in his eyes when he looks at me, or the adoration in how he looks at me.
And I could never articulate the degree of which he'd done the same for me. Having had him since I was 9, he was my friend before I'd ever even made any human friends, and no matter how lonely I'd been through all the years, months, days, hours, I was never really alone, and always had someone who loved and missed me the most when I was gone. Through the years of being a painfully lonely kid, to moving and being a socially isolated adult, he was the one constant friend through every manner of alienation and sadness, no matter the circumstance. He was one of the two reasons why I felt like I could never **** myself, and by extension why I no longer want to.
I couldn't be happier to have been able to make him feel as happy, loved, and comfortable as possible always, enough to have known he felt that way through expressing it constantly. I only want him to be at rest and know this in his last moments as himself, as the same sort of comfort he needs now more than ever and as a final respect for him as his caretaker, too. I don't mean to just prescribe to the worst, but he's by far the best friend I've ever had and the most pure sort of love I've ever known, and in this is by magnitudes both the worst and best sort of pain I've ever felt, pretty significantly. But if I have to put him down tomorrow or don't, this will be no less relevant and also a major deciding factor in the possibility of having to watch him deteriorate and decline slower instead, as a final respect and act of comfort for towards him."